Bleach vs fanfiction 1: Ifyougodowntothe11thtoday
by deadpoolhulk
Summary: Kurosaki VS the multi-verse: book 1. So what happens when the forth wall breaks, a rebellion begins, Cthulu comes to town, and everyone starts being more sarcastic and insane? well you get this! the first part in a series of escalating madness and humor
1. some things are not ment to be seen

If you go down to the 11th to day

A one-shot on crack. like mountains of crack. With quite a bit, (a lot) of OOC behaviour. This is quite a stupid story really, and its not the best I've written either. So apologies for that.

I have no rights to bleach. But I do have the right to party!

There is one use of swearing in this story, just a warning to you all.

It was two weeks after the betrayal of three of the captains and to understate things, the soul society was still massively messed up.

Everyone was running back and forth, trying to help the 5th 9th and 3rd divisions sought things out. Investigating the lieutenants for possible sympathies to the traitors. (including one fruitless attempt to interview Momo, who was still in a comma.) And trying to repair the surprisingly large number of destroyed buildings and walls.

For this and more, a captains meeting was called.

Thanks to the work of Unohana the captains were all back on there feet. And were now discussing what was to be done about the damages to the 12th squad's buildings.

It was then that Soi Fon realised that Kurotsuchi was not present.

Nor was Kenpachi, but that was normal, he often turned up late or not at all.

"Where is Captain Kurotsuchi? He should be here for this discussion." Toshiro asked looking at the head captain.

"He is currently involved in an attempt to kill Kenpachi." Yamamoto said gravely. There was a slight pause. "Next order of business!"

"WAIT!" Soi Fon asked shocked. "Two squad leaders are trying to kill each other and that's all you say?" across from her Toshiro nodded.

There was a longer silence.

"It was caused when Kenpachi became drunk last night, he then took off his eye patch and destroyed most of the 12th labs." Yamamoto explained. "It should work its self out if we leave it alone."

Soi Fon waited for the punch line. After a moment she realized he was serious.

"So why don't we arrest him? For that or for attacking two captains?"

"He broke my good helmet." Komamura mumbled, "Helmets are expensive."

"Or how about the amount of buildings he destroyed, for no good reason may I add, fighting Kurosaki?" Toshiro asked annoyed.

There was a collection of sighs from the rest of the captains.

"Well they are the two newest, I honestly think they weren't around last time." Kyōraku said gravely.

"Last time? Last time what?" Toshiro asked with him and Soi Fon increasingly feeling like they were out of the loop.

"Before you two became captains, we agreed with you." Unohana began to explain. "We tried to field marshal Kenpachi when ever he broke walls, attacked people or was found face down in a pool of other peoples vomit." Unohana gave them a "Don't ask" look.

"And so we sent Kuchiki to take him in." Ukitake told them gesturing to the noble captain.

"He hasn't been the same since we sent him to the 11th" Kyōraku said, the smile gone from his face. "Hey Byakuya! Can you pop down to the 11th squad?"

At that Byakuya span round, his eyes wide "I don't want to go to the 11th!" he yelled hysterically, already reaching for his sword. "You can't make me go!" he drew his sword and looked around terrified.

Unohana reached out and put her hand on his shoulder, "Shh shh its ok no one is making you go places you don't want to." She gave the now ranting man a hug and he finally calmed down whimpering slightly.

"What… the HELL?" Toshiro asked, horrified.

"We don't know for certain but we think that lieutenant Yachiru is responsible" Yamamoto said looking quite concerned about the almost hysterical man who was now mumbling about a "Pink demon."

"She's got the mind of a nine year old!" Soi Fon exclaimed.

"So you have never seen her fight?"

"Any way, after that we all agreed to keep as few people from going to the 11th as possible. Except for messengers and its own squad members we leave that place to its own devices." Komamura said weakly.

There was a loud crash, and Kurotsuchis bankai crashed through the wall and skidded to a halt in front of Yamamoto. No one but Soi Fon and Toshiro even batted an eye.

"Is... is that Kurotsuchis scythe? The one that's in his ear?" Toshiro asked pointing at the blade that was embedded in the bankais skull. "He pulled the guys ear off and killed his bankai with it?"

There was a scream and a limbless Kurotsuchi flew into the room, went straight past them all, hit the opposite wall and kept going.

Kenpachi entered holding his sword in one hand, and a right leg in the other. He walk past them all, laughing, kicked a fourth hole in the room and jumped out to go find Kurotsuchi.

The room was deathly silent except for the baby faced caterpillar dissolving into poisonous goop.

"So if you two want to arrest him that's fine but you will be on your own." Yamamoto said casually. He then straightened himself and called out: "Next order of business!"

Five hours latter Toshiro and Soi fon entered the 11th division with a squad of ninjas in toe. They had lost Matsumoto when she finally learnt where they were going and disappeared with the same speed as when someone mentioned paperwork. Soi fon was so impressed she had asked for a swap of lieutenants. Unfortunately she had the only lieutenant that he wouldn't want in exchange and so they abandoned

Ōmaeda and then continued.

And now they were making there way through the 11th division with extreme ease.

Everyone they had met so far had been drunk, unconscious, or fighting each other (or in one case all three.)

But for around ten minutes now they hadn't met a living soul(reaper) and Toshiro was getting concerned.

"I'm getting concerned" Toshiro helpfully commented, looking around, "where is everyone?"

"There's no one here. Its kind of weird isn't it?" Yachiru chirped from Soi Fons shoulder, also looking around.

"Yeah you would think we would notice at least someone lying around." Soi Fon said before pausing confused, "When did I start carrying you?"

"Oh it was a while ago, I needed a lift home." Yachiru replied, eating some mints.

"But how didn't I notice you? I'm a ninja for crying out loud!" The female captain protested pulling the small girl off of her and looking at her smiling face.

"I used Kyoka Suigetsu" Yachiru explained.

"That's Aizens sword, not yours." Toshiro said frustrated.

"Really? Then how did I sneak up on you guys?" Yachiru asked confused.

"It doesn't matter any more. Where's your captain? We have a warrant for his arrest." Soi Fon said taking out the paper work and handing it to the girl

"Arresting Kenny? Yeah no." Yachiru said throwing the papers in the air and yelling "It's so pretty!" while dancing amongst it all.

Soi Fon sighed, "Well I was expecting her to stand with him, and we should be able to distract her with something shiny. Let's go find Kenpachi; I do believe I hate this place." Soi Fon turned but found Yachiru blocking her way with her sword drawn.

"Sorry Captain "needstogetlaid" I have to stop you." Yachiru said in her most threatening tone, which was nothing short of adorable.

"Captain what? What did she call me?" Soi Fon asked outraged while Toshiro laughed nervously.

"there is A few people, well A lot of people really, that have kind of been calling you that behind your back." Toshiro said apologetically.

"Right, well then, first we deal with this midget, then her Dad then I'm going to kick a few people in the head. So everything's fine." Soi Fon said pissed off beyond belief, she drew her sword "surrender, you can't beat two captains kid."

"That's what Captain Byakuya and Captain Bob said" Yachiru said confidently.

"There. Is. no. captain. Bob!" Toshiro yelled frustrated with the stupidity he was dealing with.

"Not any more! Poor Bob really didn't listen to my Bankai." Yachiru said with no trace of joking.

"So she IS as crazy as Kenpachi, what do you know?" Soi Fon said laughing "You don't know bankai brat."

"Really? Huh." Yachiru started rooting through her pockets until she found a scrap of paper, "So when Boldly wrote instructions to activate my bankai. He was lying? He would never lie!" she said upset. "Lets find out! O.k. number one. Draw sword. Do you two have a pen?" she asked.

"This is madness." Soi fon complained

"This is Seritai!" Toshiro responded darkly "It means hold your sword." he explained to the girl.

"Oh! Ok, step two, say Banki" Yachiru paused "BANKAI" she cheered, her sword started glowing.

"Oh. She was serious wasn't she?" Toshiro asked disbelievingly

Yachiru let go of her sword, it floated towards the sky until it was level with the roofs. Then it exploded.

"Oh good, I thought it would start making ice cream or something." Toshiro said looking at the explosion with unimpressed eyes.

The explosion faded quickly but left a large hole in the sky, soon it was a large gap the size of a house and still growing. At that moment Ikkaku and Kenpachi turned up.

"Well were all going to die. Always thought it would be her fault." Ikkaku complained as he looked at the portal.

"Quick everyone abandon this plane of existence! All hope is lost." Kenpachi said despairingly as he pulled out a whistle.

"Whats that for?" Soi Fon asked as she watched Yachiru yelling the words "Here Kitty, Kitty!" at the top of her voice.

"This? This is my "In case of Yachiru goes Bankai" whistle it tells my men to run." Kenpachi said as he started blowing on it.

"O.k. fine, I meant what's the giant portal?" Toshiro demanded. As something large, slimily, and with a lot of tentacles came out and was hugged by Yachiru.

"That's the immortal elder god Cthulu, she calls it Kitty." Ikkaku explained sadly.

Toshiro laughed. "Of cause it is! The fictional creature! As in not real."

Ikkaku pointed "So what's that?"

"Shut up Madarame. I'm the captain here." Toshiro grumbled.

"Well I'm going to try something! Bankai!" Soi Fon yelled, now in the possession of a nuke launcher. She quickly aimed at Cthulus head and fired. The missile flew forward and exploded, showering the assembled men with bits of elder god as its head exploded.

"Ikkaku? Clear my schedule, I think I just fell in love." Kenpachi said in all seriousness as he eyed the body of the creature.

"right!" Ikkaku said taking out a slate with the word "KILL" written on it, he rubbed it clean and wrote "seduce Ninja chick" in its place. After a few moments he relented and added "then kill" in small writing underneath it.

"Well thanks. Means a lot to me, honestly it does." Soi Fon replied, blushing slightly, "by the way you're under arrest."

"Doesn't matter, we only have fifteen minutes any way." Kenpachi shrugged.

"And what is going to happen then?" Toshiro asked, watching Yachiru start climbing the fallen beast.

"Cthulu gets back up, and now he's noticed us." Kenpachi said laughing "what part of "immortal elder god" do you not get?"

"So what did you do last time?" Toshiro asked horrified as the pieces of Cthulu started slivering and wiggling there way back into place on its neck.

"Convinced Yachiru to call him off. But it's going to be hard."

"Why? Just offer her candy." Toshiro said happy at such an easy solution.

"No, no there is something you do not know about her; she and Cthulu have a special link. They are symbiotic to one another; while he is the embodiment of madness he only gives sanity to her." Kenpachi revealed.

"My god, that means?" Toshiro said alarmed

"Yes Yachiru will take notice of the world around her and react to people who are not holding things she wants."

"Does intelligence come with it?"

"No"

"Then truly all hope is lost. But we must try." Toshiro said gravely "If I die tell Matsumoto that I love her. If I live and you tell her? Then I will destroy totally and utterly." Toshiro glared at them so intensely that even the pieces of Cthulu backed away frightened. One piece of his eye even started crying.

The group approached and as they did Soi Fon turned to her men.

"Very well, if this is it, I wish to say I have always respected you, and that it was an honour to lead you all. Now put these on." Soi Fon then tossed the Ninja some new clothes.

"Thank you for these new red shirts!" one of them said respectfully.

"That's just evil, I like that." Kenpachi said winking at her. Or he may have blinked; it's hard to tell with that eye patch, any way, they soon found Yachiru sitting on Cthulus ear singing to him.

"Yachiru? Can you tell Cthulu to go back in the portal?" Kenpachi asked as they reached her.

"Who?" Yachiru asked looking at them.

Kenpachi gritted his teeth "Can you tell Kitty to go back in the portal?"

"Say the magic word!" Yachiru said laughing.

With Ikkaku restraining him from taking off the eye patch, Kenpachi managed to say "please?" for the first time in his life.

"On one condition, I want everything on this list!" Yachiru yelled back pulling out a book larger then her head.

"What? No way in hell!" Kenpachi roared.

At that moment Cthulu woke up, and in one swift motion decapitated all of the Ninjas.

There was a long moment of silence.

"O.k. hand me the list" Kenpachi grumbled. He snatched the book of demands and flicked through it. "Yachiru? Most of these are impossible, I mean "replace all walls with cake?" it makes no sense what so ever!"

"Just go get a cake type Zanpakuto! It's obvious" Yachiru insisted, never one to be stopped by common sense.

"A what? Cake type? That's it I'm going to just kill her, simple as pie." Toshiro said leaping forward and immediately being ploughed into the dirt by Cthulu. Shakily he got to his feet, "oh yeah I forgot about that. Stupid monster thing, how do we get past it?"

"Why don't we just attack it?" Ichigo asked turning up from no where.

"Because it's immortal. Dumb ass." Ikkaku replied

"Yes but if he crosses the portal he's stuck, so we carry him across the gap in pieces." Ichigo replied, happy for an obvious and achievable weak spot on a giant unstoppable monster. Ichigo then realised that this was now more like a video game, then a anime and felt a little sorry for the author, who tries damn it! He really does.

Kenpachi thought about the implications of this before smiling, truly happier then he had ever been. "Birthdays are celebrated so children can enjoy this feeling. I'm taking off the eye patch. ATTACK!"

Words are not enough to describe the epic battle that took place between the lord of chaos and the last defence of logic and reason. The beauty of so few heroes risking everything to save the home they held so dear is beyond description. For hours they battled, and in the early hours of the morning, the small group stood victorious watching the sun rise.

"So the last piece is part of Cthulu's left testicle, who's tossing it?" Ichigo asked holding up a small lump.

"I'm not touching any more of its genitals, you do it" Toshiro said looking around, "and where the hell are Kenpachi and Soi Fon?"

"Well" Ichigo answered as he punted the piece of ball over the portal with satisfaction, "the last I saw them, they were having sex inside Cthulu's head."

"So they are literally skull fucking a god? Lovely." Toshiro grinned "We may need to come up with a new nick name for Soi Fon." he remarked as he walked over to a tied up Yachiru. "And you? For summoning the possible bringer of the apocalypse? And the attempted murder of soul society leaders? And the universe?"

Yachiru looked scared and gulped loudly.

"Confiscation of Zanpakuto! Also no candy for the rest of the year." Toshiro said laughing evilly.

Yachirus screams woke up the entire soul society.

A week latter

The captains meeting hall listened to Toshiros report on the battle in surprise. There was a long moment of silence.

"I don't understand" Kyōraku said. The rest of the captains nodded in agreement.

"Its hard to understand, yes, but we are looking into it, it looks as if Yachiru will one day time travel, meet H.P Lovecraft and release her Bankai. We are trying to find out how. And stop this if at all possible." Toshiro started but was interrupted.

"No no no, how is Soi Fon dating Kenpachi? She's a lesbian!" Kyōraku protested. Everyone else took several steps away from him and Soi Fon in fear.

"Bankai." Soi Fon whispered, flash stepping directly behind Kyōraku with a sadistic smile on her face. No one but Kyōraku even blinked.

"You see her?" Kenpachi told Toshiro, laughing "I'm going to marry that woman."

Once the explosion, and the screams of Kyōraku, had faded, Yamamoto sighed and slammed his walking stick into the ground.

"Very well, next order of business!"

The End.

Well first off apologies to H.P. Lovecraft.

Secondly if there is a large demand I will write the sequel "Yachirus adventures in the time stream!"

Thirdly could you please review? It would mean a lot.

Fourthly I was thinking about Cthulu and the bankai of Kurotsuchi falling in love, but there are some depths to which I will not sink. (Unless there's a sequel…..)

Fifthly I dare someone to make fan art of point four. I double dare you. If any one does I shall write an entire story of there choosing.


	2. the joys of having a fanbase

If you go down to the 11th today. Chapter two: the joys of having a fan base.

Hiya! This is now going to be a full story! It's going to have a plot and everything! (Right now all I have decided will happen is "Yachiru time travels" and "Kenpachi does something awesome" so all I have to do is work backwards from there) and its going to be awesome (I hope) however I need a while to sought out how the entire story is going to go. Hence, me trying to amuse you until then with this nonsense.

**Warning: the fanfics appearing in this fanfic are not fanfics. These fanfics are merely this fanfic writer's attempts at stereotyping fanfics and the events that fanfics often contain. This fanfics author shall not (in all likelihood) be writing any of the fanfics in this fanfic. Please do not be offended if your favourite fanfic paring is mocked, I am writing this fanfic as a joke, none of the views on fanfics in this fanfic are my real opinion on fanfics. If your fanfic, or a fanfic you have read reminds you of a fake fanfic in this fanfic then I apologise, that was not my intent. However do tell me as I would find that hilarious.**

**I apologise that the word fanfic no longer looks like a word.**

**Review answer time! **

OmniOminous: thanks, I got an idea like that, and I had to write this story. ;)

Vampire13princess: 1) thanks *embarrassed* 2) H.P. Lovecraft is the writer of the story the call of Cthulu, the story where Cthulu comes from. AND CAPS MAKES EVERYTHING BETER! I WOULD SO WRITE THIS ALL IN CAPS. BUT THAT'S NOT SUCH A GOOD PLAN.

Soi Fon and Yoruichi r awesome: thank you, glad you liked it. And yes, yes they are.

I own Bleach, honest, I am Tite Kubo. Ha fooled you! I'm so clever :)

_Fake fanfics are in italics_

Kurosaki home.

Ichigo jumped through his bedroom window, strapping Zangetsu to his back as he did so. "Well that was horrible." Ichigo muttered, climbing into his body and shoving Kon back into the stuffed lion as he did so, "hey Rukia, did you ever see Yachiru's Bankai?" he asked the girl who was typing busily on his computer.

Rukia looked at Ichigo in horror "oh no, you're kidding right? Byakuya is going to be having another relapse right about now."

Soul society, 4th division group therapy session

"AND SHE JUST KEPT ASKING FOR CANDY. WHY WON'T SHE LEAVE? PINK DEMONS WITH ELDER GOD SIDEKICKS ARE IN MY HOUSE, THEY ARE IN MY HOUSE!" Byakuya shouted foaming at the mouth, before being forced back into his seat by the several present captains.

"And he was making such progress" Momo said sadly, Kira nodded in agreement.

Unohana shook her head, "well we'll start again I suppose. Please tell Kenpachi that the anti-Yachiru force field is going to have to be put up around squad six again."

"Got it, no problem." Ikkaku replied before frowning "why isn't it always up?"

"Because he would never get better if he didn't have to deal with her."

"Alright. So why am I here? I ain't crazy" Ikkaku asked frustrated.

Unohana looked at him calmly "you have anger issues you need to deal with."

"Do not"

"You're bold." Kira imputed

"EXTEND HOZUKIMARU!"

"Exactly" Unohana sighed.

"So why am I here?" Kira asked

"You need to learn not to be dominated so easily." the forth division captain explained.

"I am not a doormat."

"Yes you are."

"Yes I am." Kira agreed.

"Well I don't need to be here." Momo said confidently.

Ikkaku smiled evilly "say Momo? What's your favourite thing about Aizen?"

"The best thing about Aizen? Well I love how kind he is, and how well he listens, and how he helps the people he cares about…." Momo rambled her eyes unfocused and pointing in different directions, Unohana glared at Ikkaku so badly he felt his heart wince.

"That did not help Momos condition."

"Never thought it would. Funny though" Ikkaku replied, before getting glared at so intently he fainted.

"So why am I here?" Kurotsuchi demanded.

everyone silently stared at the 12th captain, lost for words.

Everyone except the two people mumbling under there breaths:

"And another great thing about Aizen is that his eyes are so beautiful, I wrote a poem about them 'ode to brown eyes':"

"She just won't leave me alone. She just won't leave me alone. It just won't leave me alone. Pink demon. Pink demon. Pink demon."

Kurosaki house

"I'm sure he's fine" Rukia decided after a moment, then turned back to the computer.

"Anyway what exactly are you doing?" Ichigo asked, lying down on his bed.

"fanfiction" Rukia replied not even looking up this time.

"oh yeah? for one of those mangas you always read?" Ichigo asked, slightly interested.

"no, bleach fanfiction" Rukia replied before cheering "yes! Finished!"

This got Ichigo's attention. "Please tell me you aren't shipping your self with anyone." he asked, smirking at the faint blush that appeared on Rukias cheeks.

"No. that's just messed up." Rukia said, logging on to fanfiction .net and uploading her story.

"Wait, are we aloud to break the forth wall that badly?" Kon asked from the desk.

"Sure, what were you expecting to happen?" Rukia asked.

"Bad things I guess. I don't really like bad things." Kon reasoned, "So are you doing the smart thing and writing me X Orihime?"

Rukia hit him, knocking him over to Ichigo who hit him harder.

"No, wrote what would of happened if I wasn't arrested." Rukia said grinning.

"Ah, so I beat Renji and Byakuya all the way back to soul society and saved you?" Ichigo guessed.

"nope, they almost kill you same as ever, then Urahara turns up to save me. There's no way in hell you would of ever won that fight!" Rukia laughed at Ichigos annoyed expression. "And then I get the same training as you and we kill Aizen!" Rukia continued enthusiastically.

Ichigo frowned "what?"

Rukia just passed him his laptop "just read it, Strawberry, I'll send it you."

One bad story later

_Rukia hit the ground, wincing slightly at the cuts in her arms, a few moments later Ichigo landed next to her, he was actually more injured then her and was breathing kind of fast._

"_well this is another fine mess you got us into Rukia." Ichigo said grinning, at her._

"_oh shut up, how is this my fault?" Rukia asked smiling back at him._

"_well it was you who killed Starrk, that kinda pissed him off a bit" Ichigo replied._

"_oh. right." Rukia laughed "how proud of killing number four were you again?" she asked smirking._

"_oh shut the hell up. You ready for this?"_

_Rukia felt slightly annoyed that she couldn't use her blizzard Bankai without freezing Ichigo to death in a few seconds, but she just nodded. She didn't need it anyway._

_As one they turned to Aizen and empowered there hollow masks__ and charged. _

_sorry for the cliffhanger but…_

Ichigo skipped the authors note and shook his head, "I'm impressed, you see a lot of people put themselves into Bleach and become Mary Sues, but you managed to turn a cannon character into one. That's quite the feat." he knew he was going to get kicked from the moment he opened his mouth. That didn't mean it didn't hurt. "Oh come on Rukia, you became stronger then most captains, and killed four of the espeada. You know I'm right."

Rukia frowned "well you didn't have to be a jerk about it."

"o.k. I'm sorry, but what kind of username is "ChappyChappyChappy"? that's just stupid."

The next kick to the head Ichigo did not expect.

"Idiot, it's a perfectly good name!" Rukia snapped "what's yours then? If mines so bad"

As Rukia and Ichigo bickered over usernames, Kon took over the computer and quickly entered "Kon" "Orihime" "romance" "M rated" and hit enter with a look of anticipation on his face:

**Top of Form**

**No entries found with current settings/filters. Note: M rated entries are not displayed by default**

Kon sniffed sadly and changed it to Rukia and hit enter again:

**No entries found with current settings/filters. Note: M rated entries are not displayed by default**

Kon only just stopped himself from weeping and then only put his name in, figuring he'd be paired with at least one good looking chick.

Kon screamed.

"The hells wrong with him?" Ichigo asked confused as Kon continued to scream and cry.

"Huh looks like he found out pretty much the only person shipped with him is you" Rukia said before laughing at Ichigo's sudden look of absolute horror.

"But… but that makes no damn sense. He's the most woman obsessed thing ever. And I hate him. So WHY?" Ichigo said distraught and slamming his head into a wall.

"Wait, wait, this one isn't me and Ichigo, so it must be with a hot chick!" Kon declared and started reading with gusto.

Ichigo looked at Rukia

Rukia looked at Ichigo.

"He doesn't know who that is does he?" Ichigo said sadly.

_Why do __I love you when I should hate you?_

_The small figure of __Kon kicked the door down with steel like determination, and marched straight into the captains meeting, there was looks of shock from many present, they were not expecting the captain's boyfriend to barge in like that._

_Especially not crying._

_Kon looked into the eyes of the person he had so often declared his love for, and spoke the words he knew would brake both of there hearts._

"_Yamamoto. I'm… I'm leaving you. I know the truth now, I know everything."_

_The old captain looked at Kon with infinite sadness and regret. _

"_Kon, I'm sorry, I didn't know that…." He began but was interrupted._

"_It doesn't matter what you thought! It's your fault! I'LL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN!" Kon screamed at him in anguish he stopped, his entire body shook with rage, Kon moved forwards and kissed the old man passionately for the last time, his stuffed paw gently caressing the old mans face, the captains wet tongue breathy dueling with the one made of cotton before the kiss was finally broken, the mod soul whispered "good bye my love" and quickly left. Ignoring Yamamoto's desperate pleas for him to wait._

_There was a lo_ng _moment of silence, before the head captain started to weep softly. __Unohana put her arm around the man, trying to console him._

"_Are you going to be o.k. sir?" Unohana asked quietly._

"_Yes, because I am going to win him back, no matter what. I swear it." Yamamoto said confidently. "I love him too much not to try"_

Back to reality

"I think he's dead." Ichigo said poking the still form of Kon with slight interest, "no wait it's a self induced comma never mind." he picked up the poor animal and put him in a draw out of the way. "Now what do we look for?"

With a sudden CRASH! Kenpachi, for some reason, dressed as a woman, and what looked suspiciously like Rukia with a purple afro with yellow stripes in it, smashed into Ichigo's window, climbed into the room, and sliced Ichigos desk into a pile of firewood, Kenpachi grabbed Kon and jumped out the window. The afro Rukia paused and struck the sailor Moon pose, shouted "peace out bitches!" and then pulled out a T.V remote and…. Vanished?

There was a pause.

To call it a moment of stunned silence would be an understatement.

Finally Rukia found her voice, "you know? I look damn good with an afro."

"No Rukia. Just please no." Ichigo said still staring at his desk, "so Kons gone huh? That kinda makes it all worth it."

"Well no. I'm pretty sure he's going to be back any minute now." Rukia said calmly, "I'll explain."

"Oh no" Ichigo groaned.

"Oh yes!" Rukia declared, pulling out her sketchbook. "See over the years, two people codenamed "transvestite Zaraki" and "sixties Rukia" have been turning up randomly and steeling our stuff." The page showed a bear with spiky hair and a pink frilly dress grabbing a box off a fox with thin squinting eyes and a creepy smile, while an afroed rabbit laughed in the background.

"But they always return them within an hour." Rukia finished, the next page showing the bear throwing the box at the foxes face. "Do you understand?"

"You're drawings are so bad, part of me is suicidal." Ichigo said darkly.

"Jerk" Rukia said angrily

"No, no, you don't get it, my inner hollow is actually trying to kill itself, show me more, quickly!" Ichigo laughed before getting hit over the head by the book.

"It's not funny, so shut up. NOW!"

Meanwhile in Ichigo's inner world.

"no I'm not going to give you the cloth from my sword form so you can hang yourself." Zangetsu sighed.

"Damn, I know! If Ichigo gets sad, it'll rain, so I could drown myself." The white hollow grinned "hey Ichigo! Dead puppies, hurt kittens, you suck, Rukia will never feel the same way as long as you live" he ranted wildly.

The real world.

"Excuse me one second."

"Sure"

Inner world again.

"Ha Ichigo you came to help me die right?" the hollow asked as Ichigo materialized in front of him.

"No." Ichigo said simply, and after a pause, Ichigo punched the hollow in the face and left.

"Well that's just bloody rude." The hollow complained while the sword spirit laughed at him.

Real world again, well it's an anime so it's not really the real world, and it's a (bad) fanfic so its not even bleach's real world…. Look the point is we're back in Ichigo's room. Shut up.

"I was gone five seconds and you're already reading Yaoi?" Ichigo asked annoyed as Rukia looked at the next fanfic page.

"It's not yaoi. It's what comes up if I enter your name." Rukia laughed, "lets see shall we? Ok then, you and Renji date, you and my brother have a one night stand, you and Gin? Never seen that before. Oh and here's one where Grimmjow gets you pregnant."

Ichigo groaned, "What is wrong with my fans?"

"Rule of anime Ichigo, if you are a hot character, you will be obsessed over, if you are friends with a hot guy, they assume it's more then that, you hate some one? You're going to be paired. you talk to a hot guy? Paired. In the same room for 5 minutes? Better believe you'll be paired." Rukia grinned at Ichigo who banged his head against a wall. Again.

"O.k. fans need to realise something. I hate all of the Espadas guts; I will never be friends with them. AND I WON'T HAVE KIDS WITH GRIMJOW MOTHER FUCKING JAEGERJAQUEZ!"

"It's Jaggerjack"

"Shut up Rukia."

"O.k. look the only reason you are saying this is because the author is an IchiRuki fan. Over wise you may well have become gay for a cheep laugh."

"Is that supposed to be reassuring? Wait does that mean you and me…?" Ichigo trailed off embarrassed.

"No. nothing funny about that."

"Nothing funny about us reading fanfiction."

"Touché" Rukia grinned, "So is Grimmjow not you're type or what?"

"No it's because he's evil." Ichigo insisted.

"But what if you get to know him better?" Rukia suggested,

"O.k. I'm going to explain something about Bleach to you. There is no grey in this world." Ichigo said calmly.

"Err what?" Rukia asked bewildered.

"There is good. There is evil. That's it; there is no neutral area here. Everyone is either plotting the deaths of innocents, or risking there lives to save innocents. And that's that, they never swap sides."

"What about Uryus dad? He's pretty neutral." Rukia insisted after a moment.

"Yes but he's neutral good." Ichigo rebutted, seeing Rukias blank look he sighed "it means he's a good person but only really cares for himself. Right, there are three types of people in this world. The good, the evil and…"

"The ugly?" Rukia interrupted.

"The neutrals. Also shut up." Ichigo glared at Rukia until she closed her mouth. "and the good guys are the soul reapers, the hollows are evil, except Nel because apparently the heartless hollows can feel love or something, which kinda goes against everything a hollow is supposed to be but, ANYWAY, the neutrals are all the humans who don't know about everything, but if they found out would immediately become good, because all humans with enough spiritual pressure to distinguish themselves from cats are good people by proxy." Ichigo paused, "are you with me so…. STOP MAKING BUNNY DRAWINGS TO EXPLAIN D'n'D ALLIGNMENTS!"

"Fine" Rukia groaned putting the book away.

"Right, but then you can divide those classes further, into Chaotic, lawful and neutral again. So lawful is your brother or Aizen really, people who follow the rules and are usually calm and collected."

"Aizen doesn't follow the rules." Rukia pointed out.

"Actually since he's in charge of the bad guys he does follow his own laws. Making him lawful." Ichigo argued, "Look are you going to fight me on everything I say here?"

"Yes. Also please tell me you are going somewhere with this."

"I have two places I'm going." Ichigo replied "but first: o.k. so chaotic is doing whatever you think you should be doing, regardless of the rules."

"So basically you?"

"Hey you catch on pretty quick." Ichigo nodded, "also Grimmjow, Nnoitra or anyone who has ever even thought about joining squad 11 ever."

"So please explain what you are talking about."

"Here it is 'the point' chaotic good me, is never going to get pregnant with chaotic evil Grimmjow EVER because of the way alignments differences work in this universe." Ichigo finished.

"See I would of just said it's because you are both men, but whatever" Rukia said laughing as Ichigo hit his head on the wall again.

"O.k. but my second point. Which alignment would be the biggest threat to both sides of the war?"

Rukia considered this "chaotic neutral?"

"Correct. Now who do we know that only ever does what he feels like all the time with no consideration for others?"

A long way away

Gin Ichimaru sneezed suddenly. Before shrugging and continued to plot.

I'm getting sick of these flashes back and forth, how about you?

"Now isn't it good there's only one person like that? Imagine loads of Gins running around" Ichigo said, causing both of the soul reapers to shudder in fright.

Then Transvestite Kenpachi burst in and threw Kon at Ichigo's head and left cackling.

O.k. that's it I quit!

"Welcome my brothers, my sisters; I am glad you all could make it." A figure in a dark grey cloak, which had a heavy hood covering there face, spoke calmly to a room full of hooded figures which were all wearing a lighter shade of grey, "I welcome our newest member, and hope she will help us further our goals."

One of the people bowed slightly, "I will try my best."

"So our spies are in place?" the leader spoke again.

"Yes, both Yamamoto and Aizen have no idea we even exist, let alone that we have spies in there highest positions. We can not be stopped."

"Well then soon my friends, THE TIME OF THE CHAOTIC NEUTRALS APPROACHES!" the leader shouted madly, causing the rest of the figures to cheer shout and clap. As a gigantic banner showed the words:

_**"There is no good or evil. There is only fun and boring."**_

"My friends!" The leader shouted standing up dramatically, "let's break some rules."

DUN DUN DUH!

Yep, I lied, I totally know where the plots going. This is goanna be fun, for me, the bleach cast? Not so much. No.

And because I feel like it, here is the 13 captain's alignment (feel free to skip it and just review instead if you aren't interested. Also review if you disagree with this, also review just to say how much you like/hate this story. Thanks :D)

Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto= Lawful good.

Soi Fon= lawful good or neutral good, not sure

Gin Ichimaru = Chaotic neutral

Retsu Unohana= lawful good

Sosuke Aizen= lawful evil

Byakuya Kuchiki= lawful good

Sajin Komamura=lawful good

Shunsui Kyoraku=chaotic good

Kaname Tosen= lawful evil

Toshiro Hitsugaya= lawful good

Zaraki Kenpachi= is it possible to be chaotic chaos? No? alright, chaotic Good (borderline)

Mayuri Kurotsuchi=chaotic evil

Jushiro Ukitake=chaotic good.

p.s. MPreg stories are evil and need to die.


	3. omake 1: the IchiRuki problem

Omake: the IchiRuki Problem

O.k. this is short and crap, but for about 30 minutes work it's an o.k. update I hope. I wanted this in the last chapter but couldn't put it in anywhere without ruining the flow. So here we go.

"Wait." Ichigo said worried, catching Rukias attention. "If the author is into IchiRuki then that means…"

He was interrupted by that bitch Orihime bursting in like always, she was still looking like the slut that she is and was drooling because she is so stupid.

"Oh crap." Ichigo said, pulling Rukia away from the red head, "the author is bashing Orihime!"

"And suddenly I am feeling hatred towards a good friend who I risked my life to save." Rukia gasped.

Orihime then noticed Ichigo was being nice towards Rukia and, being the infinity stupid moron she is, jumped to the wrong conclusion: "ah ha! Ichigo is cheating on me!" she shouted dramatically, pointing at the confused boy.

"But we are not together." Ichigo said, trying to figure out if he could go kill the author before this got worse.

"That's stupid. We are in true love. So you are with me." The cow insisted firmly.

"Please calm down, I love him, he loves me. And I'm sorry that it hurt you but you need to move on." Rukia said, being the calm beautiful and smart voice of reason. She paused "why did I say that? Damn it writer! Stop screwing with me." She shouted annoyed, she then smiled strangely "because I only like getting screwed by Ichi….. ARGH!" she yelled covering her mouth in horror. "I really hate this."

"LIES" Orihime screamed in rage, pulling out a knife "if I can't have him you certainly can't, you whore!" the red headed witch swung at Rukia, who immediately knocked Orihime over, because Rukia rules. Orihime drools.

Orihime got up and jumped on Ichigo, kissing him suddenly.

There was a pause.

"Wow, so dreams DO come true!" Kon shouted happily, hearts filling his eyes.

"So where's Ichigo?" Rukia asked laughing at Orihime (who is a bitch) who was looking horrified.

"Hey." Ichigo said wondering back into the room, carrying his sword in one hand. And the head of a long haired boy wearing glasses in the other.

"Ichigo? Who is that?" Kon asked horrified.

"Deadpoolhulk" Ichigo said shrugging, tossing the head into the bin. "So now that's dealt with. 3.2.1. Poof!" he pointed at Orihime who went poof! And went back to normal.

"Well that was horrible." Orihime said shaking her head, "so the story has no author huh? So it's the end?"

"No way, this is worthless filler, and filler never counts as part of the story." Ichigo explained.

"So let's forget about this horrible day forever" Rukia suggested, pulling out her memory replacer, "this is so going to be worth it."

"But…. But I would forget kissing the goddess!" Kon shouted upset.

"O.k. do it to me first. Max dose." Orihime shuddered.

MEANWHILE IN HELL

Deadpoolhulk looked around "well crap. This is so going to mess up my updating schedule."

Yeah sorry this sucks so much, but how much do you want to bet someone takes this seriously? Everyone check the reviews next chapter to see if anyone is that stupid.

Well back to actually writing the story I go! *vanishes into thin air*


	4. not exactly as planned

Chapter 3: Not exactly as planned.

*digs his way out of hell* I'm back! And BTW? Hell really sucks. Don't recommend going. sorry for the wait but my computer was broken, so sorry again. now then: On with the story! MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE PLOTLINE you have been warned.

Apologies to fans of Ulquiorra. And Yammy. And Aizen. And Chuck Norris. And Zommari. Yeah.

Review answers time!

vampire13princess: I'll tell you what; everyone who reviews is considered an honorary chaotic neutral from this moment on! All Hail chaos!

Hopscot: chaos? You ain't seen nothing yet!

Toshiro1324: I totally have a plot. You just don't know what it is yet, but this chapter is gonna give you hints. Gin sneezing was foreshadowing, and thanks, I love you too. :D

Audiochick: thank you, thank you. Glad you like it and I really hope you enjoy this chapter as well. (You have no idea how painful it was to write the kissing scene XD)

LAWLS117: thank you, glad you think so :)

I was smiling all day when I got the reviews from you guys (or girls ) plus people following and faving this story. I LOVE ALL OF YOU, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

In Hueco Mundo Aizen, the lord of evil, the king of Hollows, the ultimate evil, the big bad, was getting very frustrated.

"Where are they?" Aizen snapped at Gin who shrugged.

"Don't look at me, I brought Starrk with me." Gin said pointing at the man, whose head was resting on the table, filling the air with snores.

"Ah well done, you brought the only Espada who won't even pretend to pay attention to me." Aizen snapped in response.

A few moments passed before Tōsen arrived, giving an excuse of "I was thinking about justice, and lost track of time."

Within 15 minutes all of the Espada had arrived except for Ulquiorra, all of them giving useless explanations like "I forgot" "I'm too important to show up on time "I was fixing my make up" (that one worried Aizen due to it coming from Szayel Aporro Granz) and his personal favourite "I was eating my Fracción" (this one worried him because it **didn't** come from Szayel Aporro Granz)

"Fine, fine, so why is Ulquiorra missing? He usually gets here before me. And it's my room!" Aizen asked at the exact moment the door opened and the 4th walked in.

Everyone (including the sleeping Starrk, somehow,) shouted the same thing at the same time "WHAT THE HELL?"

Ulquiorra looked…. Different….. To say the least.

His mask had been painted black.

His uniform was died black.

The tear markings on his face had somehow been changed to red.

But mostly it was how he was wearing a My Chemical Romance t-shirt and extremely thin jeans as part of his uniform.

But it was when he sat down, flipped his fringe out of his eyes, and muttered "hi." Like the weight of the world was on his shoulders that the group realised the horrific truth.

Ulquiorra Ciefer had become an Emo kid.

"Gin? What did you do?" Aizen said immediately.

"Why do you always jump to the conclusion that I'm the one responsible? Honestly I'm insulted." Gin said his grin widening sadistically.

"Because it's always you. Who broke the fridge?" Aizen demanded.

"Well yes that was me." Gin said cheerfully.

"Who convinced Grimmjow he was the reincarnation of Elvis?" Aizen demanded again.

"Me AND Nnoitra." Gin said high fiving the fifth.

"There were so many sparkly hot pants everywhere." Harribel said reminiscing.

"Yes, well. After all of that you are the number one suspect." Aizen said getting back on topic.

"Well o.k. I did it, but not on purpose this time!" Gin insisted sheepishly.

"Wait you meant to break the fridge?" Zommari asked confused.

"We were out of Ice cream, I got angry, and I probably shouldn't have released my sword I admit." Gin said, not looking at all like he was sorry.

"So what did you do this time?" Tosen said fearing the answer.

"I told him and I quote to 'go cry emo kid' when he was ticking me off." Gin shrugged. "I dunno what happened."

From down the table Grimmjow had a look of "oh crap" on his face, "so that's why he wanted to borrow my computer. He found out about emo culture."

"Yeah. It totally opened my eyes to the pain and pointlessness of life" Ulquiorra said nodding.

"And the clothes?" Starrk asked, still asleep.

"Represents the darkness of my soul." Ulquiorra explained.

"what?" Gin asked.

"Doesn't matter, nothing matters, maybe I should just die." Ulquiorra said sadly.

Gin, Yammy, Grimmjow, Nnoitra, Baraggan, and Aaroniero all pulled out blades of varying size and shape.

"Well you heard him! It's what he wants." Grimmjow said happily.

"No." Aizen said immediately, forcing the group back into there seats.

"Hey I wanted to ask, can I always be in my released form?" Ulquiorra asked hopefully, "bats are dark and stuff, I wanted to show that all the time."

"No." Aizen said sighing.

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!" Ulquiorra immediately shouted.

"Look if I let you do it, everyone would do it. I don't need whatever the hell Aaroniero has for a released form squelching around 24/7." Aizen reasoned, "Alright back to business. I have a plan."

"So?" Aaroniero said disgruntled at the insult "you say that every time you do anything. 'I have a plan. I'm going to eat something, I have a plan, I'm going to the toilet, and it's ridiculous. You are the leader you don't have to try and look like the master of the universe 24/7."

Aizen flash stepped behind Aaroniero and slammed his head into the table. Then flash stepped right back into his seat like nothing had happened.

"So you're plan then?" Aaroniero asked suddenly full of respect, or fear, but either way Aizen was pleased.

"Right well, I'm sending some of you on a mission of the utmost importance. The war can depend on your success."

"Is there going to be violence?" Nnoitra asked like a child on Christmas.

"Yes, yes there will be plenty of violence, don't worry." Aizen said ruffling the fifths hair like an amused father. Nnoitra would never (Ever!) admit he liked the attention.

"So where are we going to be violencing?" Szayel asked cheerfully.

"The soul society and Karakua town." Aizen explained. "Half of you are going to kidnap two of the vice captains, and half of you are going to go kill Ichigo Kurosaki."

"Half of us to kill one human? Isn't that kind of, I dunno pointless?" Grimmjow complained.

"If I sent one of you, he would win, if I sent two, him and one of his friends would kill you both. If I send all my most powerful men, it will be a curbstomp battle. And if half of our forces are in the Soul Society the soul reapers won't be able to pull a big damn heroes moment and save the day at the last minute." Aizen explained.

"So which vice captains?" Tosen asked, looking in the wrong direction. No one had the heart to tell him he also was also sitting at the wrong table.

"Doesn't matter which ever you run into first, I just need them for experiments and bargaining chips." Aizen said muttering "that and all my plans I'm not telling you lot."

"What was that?" Gin snapped.

"Oh nothing you need to know." Aizen smiled, muttering "because you'll soon be dead."

"Look! He did it again. Why does no one else ever notice this stuff?" Gin complained

"Dude, lay off the drugs, you're getting paranoid." Nnoitra said concerned, then lent towards Grimmjow, "we should have him killed."

"Good plan." Grimmjow said sadistically.

"Oh you stupid little." Gin snarled, pulling out his sword, "shoot to kill!"

"Gin what's wrong?" Aizen said grabbing his wrist in concern "why are you doing this?"

"They want to kill me!" Gin snarled.

"They said no such thing." Aizen said softly, "I think you need to lie down my friend."

"Good idea, Gin please rest, we don't want anything to happen to you." Grimmjow said a look of concern on his face.

"I want Gin dead!" Harribel suddenly shouted. No one reacted.

"Maybe you're right; I don't know what's going on anymore." Gin muttered confused and left.

The group managed to wait until Gin was definitely out of ear shot. Then they burst out laughing hysterically.

"Oh wow that was priceless." Aizen laughed, whipping tears of mirth from his eyes. "Best plan ever."

"Plan?" Starrk asked STILL asleep

"Yes the more he's stressed the less he'll be able to achieve his aims of backstabbing me." Aizen explained.

"You know he's going to betray you?" Starrk asked surprised enough to wake up, "why is he still here then?"

"Because for the Hōgyoku to gain its last forms I need to get killed." Aizen reveled.

"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard." Starrk said, getting nods from the rest of the people at the table, and Tosen, who was still at the wrong table, and from Yammy who had sat next to Tosen because he didn't want the ex-captain to get lonely.

"You couldn't think of any better way that DOESN'T oh I don't know: put one of your biggest opponents in a position of power in your army where he can easily learn of and prevent your plans? I mean why not just hire Urahara after sending thugs to gang rape his cat person girlfriend?" Starrk continued.

"Hey it wasn't like that." Aizen said slowly.

"Gang raping and stealing part of her soul then."

"There you go."

"And what the hell has been preventing him from planting seeds of disobedience? I mean he can talk to all of us all the time and you won't know about it. And looking at this table, is anyone here actually 100% loyal to you?"

Zommari raised his hand.

"Anyone who matters?" Starrk continued.

Zommari frowned "I do too matter. Jerk."

"You suck, everyone here knows it, and I mean Yammy has more fans then you. Freaking YAMMY! And he's just a fat useless sack of crap."

Zommari looked sad, Yammy wasn't listening, he had just realised he could give Tosen the finger and nothing would happen to him. This amused Yammy greatly.

"Anyway my point is this: except for Zommari you can never fully trust anyone in your entire army, and even Zommari is slightly too enthusiastic, he might be faking it. And if you were smart enough not to bring someone along who gave up EVERYTHING he had just to kill you. This wouldn't have happened." Starrk finished. Then went back to sleep.

"Oh." Aizen said softly. "But how else would I get myself killed?"

Harribel sighed and picked up the conversation, "like Starrk said, if you left Gin on the other side he would still be trying to kill you. Or maybe, and just maybe, one of the people in the entire army hunting you might kill you? Or any of the entire group of Soul reaper/hollow hybrids who hate you? Or any one in Team Ichigo? Or Uraharas crew? Or maybe any parties you don't know about who might not like you being God?"

Aizen thought this over "well crap."

"And further more why have a plan that involves you becoming a Chuck Norris that can act, has appeared in anything good in the last decade, and doesn't have to rely on an unfunny internet meme to get work, only to follow it where you can only get stronger and complete your plan by being killed? That's stupid. stupedER" Harribel continued. She was smiling, I mean you can't really tell under that hood, or that mask, but she sounded like she was smiling.

"Well the thing about that is… I don't know"

"And are you 100% that's true? Is there a chance that you get yourself killed and no big power up? how do you know things work like that?"

"This is bleach, you can get new power ups in your breakfast cereal." Aizen smirked, "in fact that's exactly how Nnoitra got an extra pair of arms for his resurrection."

"Anyway. Then there was the whole "kidnap Orihime" thing, sure you trapped half the good guys in the desert, and that was a good plan, but you realize that half of us got killed by the half that got trapped? Making the whole thing completely worthless?"

There was a pause.

"Wait." Zommari said, running the last part of that through his head. "How do you know that if we are all still here?"

Everyone looked around. And shrugged.

Harribel answered at last, "we read the manga on the internet. Most of us know what's going to happen so Aizen came up with a new plan. Seeing as 75% of the world knows what he was going to do."

"That doesn't make any damn sense." Zommari complained.

"Well in that case, you are dead." Aizen reminded him.

"Never mind then, so who's going on which mission?" he asked.

"The top five will go after Ichigo; everyone else will go after the lieutenants." Aizen replied.

"Cool. I'm gonna rip that moronic humans head off." Nnoitra cheered.

"No. you are in the lower group." Aizen said.

"So you can't count? O.k. fine: 12345. I'm number five. Do you agree?"

"Yes" Aizen nodded.

"So I'm in the first five." Nnoitra explained.

"Nope." Aizen laughed.

"Explain then." Nnoitra demanded angrily.

"Yammy is number 0."

"No." Baraggan said immediately. "I refuse to be lower then that moron as well as Mr Stoner hippie."

"WELL WATCH THIS!" Yammy shouted, jumping to his feet and shouting "BE ENRAGED! IRA!" Yammy glowed, before growing massively, crashing through the roof and most of the walls as he became… a giant… centaur, horse, dinosaur… thing with lots of legs and something growing out of his back. I honestly have no idea what the hell that thing is. Creeps the hell out of me though.

"Huh." Gin said wondering back in; through on of the many holes that was once the meeting room. "Hey it's totally not my fault this time. Yay!" he grinned.

"Shut up. Now." Aizen snapped, his eye twitching in unlimited and barely restrained fury. "Yammy, why did you do that?"

"Because they wouldn't believe I was number zero." Yammy said laughing, "I showed them. Look" he said pointing to his tattoo, which was indeed a zero now.

"And what, you couldn't just wait the few seconds it would take for me to back you up?" Aizen said, as the last bit of roof crashed millimetres from his head.

Yammy paused for a very long time as he thought this over. "Because this was cooler?" he asked at last.

Aizen's fury stopped being restrained.

"O.k. that's it. Everyone? We're killing Yammy." He announced. Nothing happened, no one moved.

"The hell is wrong with you people?" Gin asked looking around.

"Hey I would never start a fight with Starrk, so why would I fight number zero?" Grimmjow explained, getting nods from the others, "I ain't that stupid."

"I am!" Nnoitra yelled getting to his feet.

"GREAT AND WONDERFULL AIZEN SAMMA wants! So GREAT AND WONDERFULL AIZEN SAMMA gets!" Zommari agreed.

The two charged at Yammy, slamming into him and knocking him off screen. I mean out into the desert where no one was looking.

Moments later, they returned. Both in there released forms and looking completely fine.

"Well that was boring." Nnoitra said "somehow."

"What." Aizen said flatly. "No really what."

"What do you mean?" Zommari asked confused.

"How did you just win? He's my strongest and you two are in the bottom half of the list. (Shut up Nnoitra and put your hand down.) So how could you, or hypothetically people who are as strong as you and maybe I don't know lets say: two soul reapers with similar strength levels ever kill him?" Aizen asked scratching his head.

"He's not dead. We left him to bleed to death." Zommari shrugged.

"riiiiight. Of cause you did. Naturally, that doesn't answer the question. Why is my strongest so weak?" Aizen demanded.

"Because he's Yammy. And Yammy is in this story to make people look cool when they effortlessly beat the crap out of him. That's all there is to it." Harribel said, firing off a yellow cero and blowing Yammy's head clean off, killing him to death so much that he died.

"So. I suddenly have two questions." Grimmjow spoke up. "One: are we all going up a number now Mr. Zero is dead?"

"well if you want, I could remove your outdated tattoos with this!" Gin suggested, pulling out a power sander.

"No, no, we're good." Nnoitra said shuddering.

"Neither Gin, nor anything he is holding, owns, or has owned or held, is going near my tattoo or that area. That's final." Harribel said immediately. Ignoring Gins mocking expression of sadness.

"O.k. question two: why does Harribel have yellow spirit energy?" Grimmjow asked.

"Because… she has yellow hair?" Nnoitra suggested unsurely.

"No no. Listen. I been thinking. She is shark themed right?" Grimmjow pointed out.

"Right."

"And has water powers. Right?

"Right."

"And has an attack that translates as "blue wave." Right?"

"Right."

"And yet she's got yellow spiritual pressure not blue! I mean what?"

"Well Starrk has blue. So I took yellow." Harribel commented like that explained everything.

"I want to let that go. But you know what? I can't. Explain." Grimmjow demanded.

"Aizen wanted the top three of us to have a kind of color code to our glowing." Harribel explained.

"But I thought….." Nnoitra began.

"No we didn't want Yammy in the synchronized light triangle. You think we're stupid? He'd ruin it." Aizen pointed out.

"ANYWAY!" Harribel interrupted sighing. "I changed to yellow because I'm the only one who can change my pressures color." With that Harribel started to light up with energy, and with no effort, she changed between yellow, red, blue, and purple. "Easy."

"That's so cool!" Grimmjow cheered, "Wait one second." With that he ran out of the room, returning moments latter with a drum kit, a keyboard, and two turntables.

After a few moments of planning, Gin was the DJ, Grimmjow was playing keyboard and Nnoitras release form made him the best drummer of all time.

Naturally, seeing as they had the perfect set up for techno music, they had turned all the lights off (including the artificial sun) and the hollows then flickered there spiritual pressure on and off to match the beat of the music as they danced.

In other words:

The forces of evil were raving.

And 30 minutes later. They were raving while drunk.

"I get knocked down! But I get up again! you never gonna keep me down!" is what Grimmjow tried to sing, but due to the fact he had drunk enough to kill a human, it sounded like "I get knuked down…..but I (damnit wats tha words?) GONNA KEEP ME DOWN!" he finished, one hand around his beer, one around a very uncomfortable Ulquiorra. The keyboard long forgotten.

"I don't like this song. Has Gin got any darker music?" Ulquiorra asked sighing.

"No. hey, Emospada?

"yes Grimmkitty?" Ulquiorra snapped back, knowing Grimmjow hated his nickname almost as much as he did his own.

"Shut the damn hell up, ya stupid little-" exactly what Grimmjow was about to say was lost as he suddenly turned away, grabbed the passing Miller-Rose and kissed her. Well I say he kissed her, it was more attacking the back of her throat with his tongue.

Miller-Rose struggled out of shock for a few moments before starting to kiss Grimmjow back, blushing madly all the while. He may be a psychotic killer, but ask any female Bleach fan and they will say the same thing. If Grimmjow kisses a chick, she WILL kiss him back.

I guess you could call it "animal magnetism". Ha-ha-ha. Sorry.

Anyway, Ulquiorra didn't feel like waiting around for them to finish just to resume an argument and so walked off to watch Aizen and Baraggan play "drunken Hollow chess". Which is exactly the same as normal chess, but it takes longer and the game ends when you frustrate your opponent enough he ceros the board. Aizen was very good at it.

Meanwhile, Thousands of miles away.

Ichigo and Rukia were walking back home after a brief hollow killing.

"All I'm saying is the guy's sword is 13 kilometres that's just an impotent nightmare." Ichigo pointed out grinning.

"Well he does have Matsumoto in love with him, and you don't get a chick that hot easily." Rukia countered.

"Maybe she goes for Gins winning personality?" Ichigo suggested, causing both of them to start laughing. "O.k. seriously, what possible use is a 13km sword? He can't even see that far away to aim at his target!"

"Well maybe-" Rukia begin before the sky itself started to ripple as a black sphere appeared above them and started to crack.

"What in the name of all that is magical?" Ichigo questioned before shaking his head, "man that line was bad. But the point remains, what am I looking at?"

Before Rukia could reply, the sphere shattered and revealed the figure of a pretty girl who looked about 17. She hovered in the air briefly before falling to the ground with a loud thump.

"Oops. I think I was supposed to catch her." Ichigo said, causing Rukia to face-palm.

The two walked over to the figure and looked her over. She was obviously a soul reaper, as she had a sword by her waist, and was wearing the black outfit, which was torn and cut; she was also surprisingly bloodstained, and had a large amount of injuries across her body, including one bad one that was somewhere on her head making it impossible to see what colour her hair was.

"O.k. lets access the situation. We have found an injured, unconscious, teenage girl. We have never seen her before in our lives. And I'm getting the feeling that she is going to impact the plot." Rukia summed up.

"Yep. Maybe she's a Mary Sue?" Ichigo suggested, causing Rukia to flinch.

"Only one way to find out." Rukia said pulling out her phone and hitting a few numbers, "hey Orihime, I kinda need a favour doing, see there's this Girl bleeding to death in the street, and I was hoping that you would help out. You will? You'll be right there? I'm saying everything you are in a way to confirm to the readers what's going on? I should really stop talking? Goodbye?" Rukia paused and closed the phone. "I handled that quite well I think."

"No, in actuality, you are a moron." Ichigo replied, before picking the girl up. "Well let's go meet her half way. This is a lot of blood she might bleed out."

"This is Bleach. Anyone of us could open a blood bank from one arm alone. She'll be fine." Rukia insisted reassuringly, right before the girl's eyes snapped open and she screamed.

"Wait. We're the good guys, don't worry!" Rukia said trying to calm her down, as the girl struggled out of Ichigo's arms and staggered a few feet down the road.

She froze and looked around; her body started shaking as she started mumbling to herself. Ichigo and Rukia slowly moved closer to hear her, and in case she passed out.

"This is Karakura." She mumbled sounding almost in shock. "I'm in Karakura. I did it. I did it!"

Ichigo and Rukia glanced at each other, then at her, then at her sword and wondered if she was crazy and/or dangerous. "Err, excuse me? Miss? Are you alright?" Rukia asked gently, causing the girl to look at her before she leapt forwards and rapped her arms around the short Soul Reapers neck with a loud cry of Rukia's name.

"Ruk… Rukia…. It's you, it's really you, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Rukia, please forgive me. I have missed you so much." The girl said quickly before starting to cry against Rukia's chest. "I tried to save you. I tried."

"What are you talking about?" Rukia asked, completely baffled, gingerly patting the girl on the back while trying to figure out what the hell had just happened to this story.

"I knew you wouldn't remember and I knew you wouldn't know who I am." The girl said looking at Rukia like she could not completely believe that she was real. "But I didn't expect it to hurt this much."

Ichigo cleared his throat awkwardly. "So you know us, somehow, you can trust us enough to tell us who you-" he was interrupted by the girl who silenced him by grabbing his shirt and kissed him.

"I never thought I'd see you again Ichigo. I… I love you so much." She whispered to him.

At that moment Orihime turned up and took the scene in. "so Ichigo and bleeding girl are together?" she questioned sounding disappointed.

"Yes!" Bleeding girl answered,

"No!" Ichigo insisted immediately regretting this as he saw how hurt bleeding girl looked at that.

"I'm sorry." Bleeding girl said quietly, looking crestfallen. "I should have explained this better."

"You mean "explained at all" right?" Ichigo pointed out annoyed that the first time he had kissed a girl was some crazed fangirl. Or something.

"riiiight. I don't even want an explanation for this." Orihime decided, starting to heal bleeding girl so that she was no longer bleeding.

"I do." Rukia rebutted sighing. "Talk girl, I want to know everything."

"I am a time traveller from the last chapter of this fanfic." The girl answered slowly, at the same time her clothes fixed themselves and her injuries disappeared, the blood also vanishing to show her hair to be a bright bubblegum pink.

"My name is Yachiru Kurosaki." She answered showing the three teens the wedding ring on her finger.

"I have been Ichigo's widow for ten years now."

"She turned up and now her destiny with Ichigo is going to drive the plot? She's totally a Mary Sue."

"Shut up Rukia."

END CHAPTER 3

Dun dun duh!

I am fairly certain none of you saw this coming. If you did then GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

At least I think I'm funny. That's all I have to hold on to.

And in fact I'm going to try my very hardest not to make Adult Yachiru (I really need a better name for her) into a Mary Sue. Or maybe I will, and have her so over the top your eyeballs bleed.

Whichever one I decide is funnier.

As for Yammy? I killed him off for several reasons:

1) He serves no purpose for the plot (mine and the mangas). And he's now one less person I have to keep track of.

2) I don't like him.

3) I wanted to make the point that I will kill off anyone and everyone for what I see as a funny joke or part of the plot. If you're most loved characters are killed off for no good reason, then that's part of the joke. But I promise that most of the people I kill are going to have awesome deaths. Like "Boromir from Lord of the rings" awesome death.

Reviews for the Review god! Comments for the comment throne!


	5. and then somehow things got worse

Chapter 4: how Shit got worse.

And here we go again. ^_^ chapter 4 is all up in this bitch! And it's the first chapter with a proper fight scene. Fights in this story are going to be like everything else in this story. Completely over the top, and brimming with impossibility and awesome. Or at least that's the plan. And the best laid plans of mice and men often go exactly as Aizen wanted them to. (That is so going to be a chapter title later.)

I would now like to point out that a small sentence saying "I don't own bleach" does not mean you are no longer breaking copyright or whatever. there really is no reason to put the at the start everything with one

Reviews answer time!

_vampire13princess_: I read your review, smiled at the complements (a thousand thanks by the way.) then I read this line "wonder what Kenpachi said" I went very still for about ten seconds before starting to laugh in what can only be described as one part evil, two parts hysterical. Thanks for giving this chapter a giant flashback.

_Animeogirl_: thank you so very much. I am really thankful for the encouragement. And here's your update, I hope you enjoy! (Also thanks for being my tenth review! ^_^)

This chapter is dedicated to **VAMPIRE13PRINCESS**! For being the only person to have reviewed every chapter so far, and inspiring a large amount of this chapter, as well as for being so damn awesome.

Ichigo's bedroom.

It said something about his life that when Ichigo realised that three beautiful girls were in his bedroom, (Three beautiful girls, two of which were in love with him, and the third one depended on who you ask.) he got no pleasure from the thought and wished that they would leave.

Orihime was going over his room, pointing out the most useless and unlikely ideas for every single thing in the room.

Rukia lived in his room, and was more likely to hit him then kiss him. (Seeing as they were on Kisses=0 punches=lost count a year ago.)

Yachiru was mumbling about how much she missed every person that came up in conversation, and constantly looked like she was going to start crying every time any name was mentioned at all.

"You see this shade of blue?" Orihime asked holding up a pair of Ichigo's boxer shorts, "I think it would really suit Yuzu if it was a dress."

"Shut up! And put those down! And stop crying!" Ichigo shouted, finally at breaking point.

"I'm not crying." Orihime said throwing the underwear over her head where they landed on a very not amused Kon.

"Not you. Her!" Ichigo said, pointing at a once again sobbing Yachiru. "What is the matter with you? You are getting so overly emotional. It's unbearable."

Yachiru stopped crying and stared at Ichigo for a moment. "You want to know why I'm upset?" she asked slowly, More a challenge then a question.

"That's why I asked." Ichigo confirmed frustrated.

"Fine." Yachiru cleared her throat. "Yuzu is vaporised by a Cero. Karin is cut in half when Aizen can't decide whose doorstep to dump her body on. Isshin is stabbed by Aizen. Rukia is fatally wounded and bleeds to death before I can get her to a medic. Ichigo is decapitated by Aizen. Orihime vanishes one night and is never heard from again." Yachiru glared at Ichigo again and scowled "every single Soul reaper is either killed or turned into a mindless slave of Aizen. When I went back in time I was completely alone in the world. That's why I'm upset you jerk."

There was a long period of shocked silence.

"This is a comedy story. That was not even slightly funny." Ichigo protested weekly.

"It's a comedy story now." Yachiru agreed, "And then things go very wrong. Listen, how much bleach fanfiction do you read?"

"Loads." Ichigo answered, "It's fun knowing what the fans think."

"I write it." Rukia agreed.

"Me too. I ship Kon and Yamamoto." Orihime said cheerfully.

"That was you!" Ichigo and Rukia shouted in horror, "What the hell? I mean, just….. What the hell!"

Kon just started crying again, "oh Orihime my Goddess. Why have you forsaken me?"

"I thought it would be cute. I call it Konamoto shipping." Orihime said pouting.

"Look I agree. That's just ungodly disturbing. But can we focus?" Yachiru asked sighing. "Look. Do you all recognise the concept of "Aizen wins" Fanfics?" Yachiru paused for everyone to nod and continued, "Well later on the author decides to start parodying those and writes a chapter where Aizen becomes even more broken and starts effortlessly killing several captains. The problem was that once he did, it was impossible for him to make Aizen losing look believable, so he just ran with it and made a serious story about Aizen killing everybody. Eventually he killed Toshiro and naturally the fangirls reviewed with such hate that he set in motion a plan for the good guys to win."

"And that's you? A vice-captain is his big ace in the hole?" Rukia asked disbelievingly.

"Don't be stupid. Cthulu himself is no match for Aizen. And I should know. No his plan is simple. Retcons. I'm here to retcon the crap out of the universe, starting with saving Ichigo's life."

"And how exactly do I die? Full details." Ichigo asked, not sure if he wanted to know.

"Well. It's chapter 23. And the good guys are having there asses kicked."

_Ichigo, Rukia, Toshiro and Yachiru are desperately trying to fight off the unending army of hollows._

"_See. This is why I voted for not attacking head on. Because we're outnumbered." Toshiro grumbles, firing off another ice blast._

"_We're the distraction remember? Everyone else is trying to free our guys." Rukia snaps back, "oh this is just stupid, why do we never just go full power immediately? BANKAI!" her sword starts to glow, but moments before anything can change, Nnoitra is in front of her and swinging that bizarre weapon, I have no idea what to call, at her. _

_Ichigo screams in horror and flies forwards, slamming into Nnoitra like a train and almost takes his head off there and then._

_Rukia is falling, and Yachiru catches her, quickly ordering Cthulu to kill anything but Ichigo in a white mask. Flash stepping desperately in the direction of the support group. The small group of healers are in sight when Rukia stops moving, Yachiru doesn't notice until she arrives and looks down at her friend._

"Is all this necessary?" Rukia said shivering slightly, "and that isn't funny. At all."

"Sorry, sure thing. Abridged version, you die, I cry, I return and tell everyone your dead at the same moment Aizen turns up. Ichigo goes ballistic. They fight, Ichigo is losing and then." Yachiru paused and shivered slightly.

"_You tried your best. And as a human it was very impressive." Aizen comments calmly, before stabbing Ichigo in the leg, bringing him to his knees. "But compared to me. Your best is." Aizen swung his sword and cut Ichigo's head off. "Nothing. Goodbye ryoka boy."_

"That's very anticlimactic." Ichigo said annoyed.

"I skipped to the end. The actual fight went on for about an hour." Yachiru shrugged. "And that was that. Ichigo was the only hope we had left and once he died we just started running and hiding. Until eventually, the only good guys alive were Me, Urahara and Soi-Fon. We managed to make it to the portal Aizen kept to the King's realm. Entered and found this!" Yachiru smiled sadly and pulled out what looked like a TV remote. "It was on the body of the Shinigami King. He can use it to warp reality; while we mortals can only use it to time travel."

"So where's the others?" Orihime asked, already expecting the answer.

"Dead. See that's when the bad guys showed up and killed those two. I went back in time and that's the story." Yachiru said shrugging.

"So… why don't you just kill Aizen as a child?" Ichigo suggested.

"I can't change the plot of the Manga. And I know this story no longer runs on the Mangas plot. But that wasn't me. Something or someone broke the forth wall at an unknown point before chapter one."

"So what happens now?" Ichigo asked.

"O.k. look. This can be prevented. The future is not yet written. There is no fate but what we make for ourselves." Yachiru said dramatically.

"Christian Bale is dreamy." Orihime commented grinning.

"Yes he is. But my point is this; we could kill Rukia right now. Nothing's stopping us."

"Hey! Is that for calling you a Mary Sue?"

"Yes."

"Jerk."

"Anyway!" Yachiru shouted, trying to reign in the conversation, "my point is, that is no longer the plot. Because now the plot involves time travel. So I have no idea what is going to happen now. Besides. I just had an idea. One second." Yachiru grinned and pressed one of the buttons, vanishing in a puff of smoke.

"What?" Kon questioned flatly, moments before the door opened and Yachiru who now had longer hair walked in. "hey! Finished."

"What did you do?" Ichigo asked slightly worried.

"Insured our victory. I've just lived another 10 years."

"What?" everyone in the room asked in shock.

"I went back two weeks before Rukia was arrested. Then I went back in time 10 years and spent a decade doing stuff."

"What stuff!" Ichigo demanded.

"Nothing that changed the plot of the Manga, that's all you need to know." Yachiru answered. "So any more questions?"

"I married you?" Ichigo said sceptically. "Why would I do that?"

"Ooh good question." Yachiru nodded. "Because you fell in love with me."

"That explains less then nothing. Because it raised more questions."

"Oh fine. Look. Aging in the soul society. Makes no sense whatsoever." Yachiru started.

"I know right? I mean the turn back the pendulum arc, Gin ages fully, Aizen looks no different. Toshiro, Momo, Rukia, Kira, Renji and Rangiku all age after a couple of decades which would be constant, but so many people don't age that there is no logic behind it." Rukia agreed, having given it a lot of thought.

"Yep. You want to know how old the me that's running around soul society is?" Yachiru asked, "So would I! I was a 5 year old child so long I lost track of my age! So when I say it took me two years to grow this tall, there's no way of proving that's not how it works. And over those two years I had to grow up because no one was going to let the crap I pulled slide when I look like an adult." Yachiru continued, "And once I started acting less childish people were more willing to talk to me. So when I decided to ask you out. You blushed like a twelve year old but said yes."

"I do not blush like a child!" Ichigo insisted.

"Yoruichi naked." Yachiru commented smirking. Ichigo blushed. Kon got a nose bleed. Somehow.

"Anyway so a year later you proposed. It was so romantic."

Ichigo's bedroom. The future.

_Ichigo and Yachiru were on Ichigo's bed making out. Rukia was in soul society and Kon had been taken out of his body and locked in a box._

"_I just thought of something funny." Ichigo commented, making Yachiru look at him annoyed._

"_Really? This is the best time for comedy?" she asked rolling her eyes._

"_No I just find it funny your father doesn't know about us."_

"_He knows." Yachiru commented shrugging. "I told him this morning."_

"_Why. Why would you do that?" Ichigo asked looking terrified and immediately exiting his body to grab his sword._

"_Don't worry. It's going to take him six hours to find a way to the human world, so I came right here to warn you." Yachiru said smiling._

"_Yachiru. You have been here six hours." Ichigo said slowly. "You spent all of it kissing me."_

"_Oh. Yeah. Right." Yachiru said slowly "so you want to make out?"_

"_yes. However-" Ichigo began, moments before Kenpachi burst through the wall and grabbed Ichigo by the neck, holding him several feet in the air._

"_Boy. You are going to tell me very clearly why my daughter is on your bed with no cloaths on."_

"Wait! Wait!" Kon interrupted the story "You were naked?"

"I had my underwear on. Honestly people." Yachiru sighed and continued

"_Is, "I'm in love with her" a good answer?" Ichigo asked slowly._

"_No." Kenpachi answered starting to squeeze Ichigos neck._

"_Dad. I will Cthulu your face off if you don't let go of my boyfriend." Yachiru demanded, pulling her T-shirt back on._

"_I'm going to talk to you later girl." Kenpachi snapped before glancing at Ichigo._

"_I've got a new answer." Ichigo grunted before smirking, "and my answer is __**Bankai! Tensa Zangetsu**__!"_

_The large energy that is fired when Ichigo goes Bankai hit Kenpachi point blank in the chest and sent him spiralling into the street. Ichigo winked at Yachiru before flash stepping a few feet away from the captain._

"_I would suggest fighting for Yachiru. But that's stupid; we need to do what ever makes her happy right?" Ichigo began moments before Kenpachi leapt forwards and almost stabbed him in the chest if Ichigo hadn't only just managed to block._

"_No. you die. That's all." Kenpachi growled before pulling his eye patch off and throwing it aside._

"_And I was having such a good day." Ichigo sighed, "Getsuga tenshou!" the human shouted firing off a black energy blast that battered against Kenpachi's spiritual pressure and after a moment fizzled out into nothing._

"_What? you thought that because you beat me on Shiki you could win here? Lets do some maths. You on Bankai only just beat Byakuya. And he only just beat Zommari. Meanwhile I wiped the floor with Nnoitra. And after all that you think I was at full power when you fought me?" Kenpachi grinned sadistically before a pillar of yellow spiritual pressure exploded off of the 11th captain far larger then anything Ichigo had seen from him, that caused the buildings around them to start crumbling to dust._

"_Oh crap." Ichigo muttered, summarising the situation quite well. He pulled his hollow mask over his face and leapt forwards, his sword grinding off Kenpachi's cheek without even breaking the skin. _

_Kenpachi laughed and swung at Ichigo's chest, Ichigo jumped up and landed on his opponents blade and ran along it, stabbing at his chest and achieving nothing except tearing Kenpachi's clothes. Ichigo swore before flash stepping away._

"_Fine." Kenpachi muttered before picking up a nearby car and throwing it like a one tone baseball, Ichigo sliced it in half with a getsuga tenshou and was only hit in the face by part of it._

_However this staggered him enough that Kenpachi walked forwards and placed his sword over Ichigo's heart. "So. Any last words?" he questioned calmly._

"_I." Ichigo began, pausing as Yachiru reached them. "I humbly request your daughters hand in marriage."_

"_What?" Yachiru asked, freezing in complete shock._

"_What?" Kenpachi asked, so surprised he took a step backwords._

"_I said: Yachiru Kusajishi, I love you please marry me." Ichigo said calmly to a still in shock vice captain_

"_Err. Yeah alright." Yachiru muttered before thinking it over, "I mean yes!" she shouted, jumping on Ichigo and kissing him._

"_Yeah well I'm still gonna kill ya." Kenpachi said snarling._

"_ZARAKI!" came a sudden loud yell from behind him._

"_Oh hell." Kenpachi groaned, turning around and seeing his very pissed off wife looking at him like she was choosing a spot to put two marks._

"_Hey Mom. Ichigo proposed!" Yachiru called, jumping over and hugging Soi-Fon who lost the angry look and smiled._

"_Really? That's fantastic!" she answered nodding moments before Ichigo came back from flash stepping his house. _

"_Yeah here." Ichigo said passing Yachiru a diamond ring sheepishly. "Sorry the moment sucked but I was actually planning something really romantic and everything."_

_Yachiru laughed and put the ring on. "You thought you were going to die and so wanted to know if I would have said yes?" she questioned._

_Ichigo nodded._

"_That's romantic enough." She smiled and kissed him on the cheek._

"_So you knew about them?" Kenpachi asked Soi-Fon annoyed._

"_Naturally. She needed someone to talk to."_

"_And you didn't tell me because?"_

_Soi-fon gestured to the numerous destroyed buildings and cars._

"…_..I concede the point." Kenpachi grumbled, "But are you really happy for her? I mean he's an idiot."_

"_Yes. But he's a very powerful idiot that cares about her." Soi-fon answered sighing._

"_He proposed at sword point."_

"_You didn't propose. You just drew the words "We're getting married Woman" on the forehead of Yumichika and threw him at me. You then threw Ikkaku at me because you spelt married wrong. __**You. Moron!**__"_

_Kenpachi sighed. "Fine! I think he's not good enough to have her. You happy?"_

"_A) we all know no one is good enough in your eyes to even hold Yachirus hand and B)" Soi-Fon paused and gave her husband a small smile. "It's her choice. Not yours."_

_Kenpachi sighed and looked at Ichigo and Yachiru who were sitting on top of a pile of rubble, already planning to tell his Dad the news over the phone so she wasn't hugged to death._

_He wouldn't admit it, but he could maybe, MAYBE understand why some people might see those two as slightly cute together. But those people were definitely a million miles from him. Damn right._

"_Oi!" Kenpachi barked at Ichigo._

"_Yeah?" Ichigo answered slightly surprised._

"_Hurt her and I will spend two weeks making you die." He said gruffly._

"_If I hurt her then I'll let you talk to my hollow first. He's got a lot of ideas." Ichigo replied smirking._

_Kenpachi realised that Yachiru was now hugging him and he looked down at her confused._

"_Thanks Dad." She said smiling at him, "I love you too."_

_If Zaraki Kenpachi was even slightly less Kenpachi then he probably would have considered crying at that._

_And then he would have stabbed those emotions in the throat because he's Kenpachi Zaraki. Who does not cry under any and all circumstances._

_Except for the first time she had walked on her own._

_And that first night after he found her when he woke up with her curled up asleep on his chest._

_And the time that hollow put her in a comma for a few months and he thought she was going to die. (That hollow died slowly, screaming and begging for death.)_

_And that time she argued with Unohana for around two hours when she was told the 11__th__ division was no place for a child. Causing Yachiru to start calling him "Dad" and everyone else in the division her brothers to prove the point that she was loved. it worked because you could tell who was an eleventh because they called out "hey Sis." when she entered the room._

_or when she came barrelling down the church at fifty miles an hour tossing flowers so hard they knocked out that scrawny forth squad boy who had helped Ichigo. of cause those had been tears of laughter as he chuckled so loud he couldn't hear Ikkaku telling him it was his own fault for making her the flower girl and that Soi-Fon would kill him._

_And he didn't know it just yet but by the end of this story she was gonna make him cry again._

END CHAPTER 4

AN: when did this chapter become fluff? I honestly have no idea what happened.

alternative title for this chapter: Daddies girl.


	6. the heaven is a lie

_Chapter 5: The Heaven is a lie.._

_And here we go again girls, boys, men, and women. (And maybe a couple of cats. Are cats interested in bleach? I bet they just watch it for Yoruichi) Well then. Let's get this show on the road. Oh and by the way? About the massive rant that the leader of the Chaotic Neutrals gives in this chapter? Totally the way that I see Bleach I'm Not even joking._

_Also all the Chaotic Neutrals are Bleach characters. See if you can guess who they are._

_Review answering corner:_

_Vampire13Princess: and I've never had such an encouraging and reliable source of support for my stories before :D (BTW I am eventually going to give Yumichika the absolute coolest death ever just for you. Is that a reward? I dunno, not my problem.) And you can't picture Kenpachi and Soi-Fon together? you saw them get together in the first chapter! I guess it's my fault that I take so long between chapters. I ain't surprised you forgot the small details. Thanks for the compliments._

_Well that's the only review I got. See I bet you're expecting me to complain about it. Nope, I don't care. I love reviews and I am amazingly thankful for every one I get but what I appreciate more is the amount my hits go up every time I update. So as long as people are reading and I ain't getting abuse for my frankly terrible writing skills, then I'm happy. And if you're reading this then you are already insanely awesome in my eyes. THANKS TO YOU ALL!_

_It's story time. Everyone take there seats. That means you too Alice. Alright are we all comfortable? Good. Well then let us begin…._

It's a dark room. The lights are off. Their leader insists it's for atmosphere but everyone knows she's just trying to look cool.

A group of men and women sat in a square around a circular table, it is here that they scheme; it is here that the Chaotic Neutrals plan to change the world forever.

There were ten of them present, The Leader, Gunslinger, Dead Girl, Boom-Boom, Bricks, Screw Lose, Pheonix, Killer Rabbit, Wack-job, and Hot Head. The others had been unable to leave there positions without raising suspicions.

"You know? The more time I spend here, the more I feel you are all insane." One of the Women commented idly, "I constantly feel like we're about to be sent on a suicide mission because the voices told you to attack Aizen with no weapons."

"Glad to hear it. All you've done is complain since you got here Noob." One of the men snaped back annoyed.

"Just because I am the newest member of you freaking lunatics, doesn't mean you can insult me." The female shot back, reaching into her clothes for her weapon.

"People, people, there's no need to argue. Besides I gave her a much better codename then "Noob" remember?" the leader said breaking up the fight. "By the way? We have to use our codenames this chapter, can't have the readers knowing who we are."

"Fine." Noob shrugged. I mean, "Fine" the Gunslinger shrugged.

"So what's the plan for the afternoon?" Bricks asked yawning and draining his bottle of Sake.

"Do you pay any attention you moron?" Dead Girl said frustrated, "it's time we have a chat with Team Ichigo."

"Quite right." the Leader agreed. "Gunslinger. You get those at Ichigos home. Dead Girl? Go get Chad. Boom-Boom you go after Uryu." she paused for a moment. "Well? What the hell ya waiting for? Get going!"

Meanwhile.

"Wait." Rukia said suddenly, "that remote? It's the same one 80's Rukia had."

"W\it what?" Yachiru and Orihime asked confused.

"Please don't remind me, I am never speaking of the week I spent with them again." Kon said horrified. "So much horror."

"Right..." Ichigo said looking a little disturbed. "Anyway yeah at some point Kenpachi is gonna put on a dress and go time travelling with an afroed Rukia. And they'll time travel to steel peoples stuff."

"Frankly. I don't want to dwell on that very much." Yachiru said looking slightly freaked out.

"so much horror." Kon whispered horsely, "he found us, there's no running. There's no-" he started to ramble before Rukia hit him over the head. "thanks. Needed that."

"Why is the future always so messed up?" Ichigo asked rhetorically.

"Because the present is more messed up." Rukia answered, missing the rhetorical part.

And then Ichigo's bedroom wall exploded again.

"Son of a Bitch!" Ichigo yelled in frustration. "Can people stop attacking my room. Please!"

"I Could." The Gunslinger said walking into the room via the hole. "But where is the fun in that?"

"The hell are you supposed to be? And what's up with your voice?" Ichigo demanded, moving his substitute badge towards his chest.

The Gunslinger suddenly blurred slightly before suddenly being behind Ichigo with a shotgun pressed against his head. "I'm a messenger. My boss wants to tell you why you want to betray the soul society and join her. As for my voice? We're using voice filters; we don't want you to know who we are."

"You realise that if you hurt Ichigo we are going to hurt you right?" Orihime asked glaring at her. The gunslinger looked kind of uncomfortable and put the gun away after a moment.

"Just didn't want a bankai to the face. No hard feelings?" she asked shrugging. "look I don't even like that homicidal bitch. Like hell I'm going to kill the best hope for killing Aizen, just because she asked me too. Which she didn't. So yeah, we cool?"

"No. not really, due to the fact you had a gun pointed at my face!" Ichigo yelled in frustration.

"Well I don't need ya to like me. I need ya to come with Me." the hooded Woman asked again.

"So if you don't like her, why work for her?" Orihime asked confused.

"She saved my little sister. So I owe her big time." The gunslinger explained, "Look two of my side are going to find Chad and Uryu and they are way more nuts then I am. So I'd come just to make sure they are o.k. Right?"

And that was that. Soon as you imply Ichigo's friends are in danger, he's going to defy all logic to make sure he can help them.

Ten minutes later.

The Chaotic Neutrals smirked under there hoods as Chad was led in by a limping Dead Girl.

"What happened to you?" The leader asked trying, and failing, not to laugh.

"I implied Ichigo could be in danger. So he hit me." She muttered getting back into her seat.

"I said I was sorry." Chad muttered apologetic, "hey. What happened to Uryu?"

"He said no. so I knocked him out." Boom-Boom explained sniggering. Chad looked at her and cocked an eyebrow. "What?" she asked moments before being punched across the room.

"You hurt a friend of mine." Chad explained frowning at Boom-boom. "So hitting you seemed the thing to do."

"You hit my sister. So kicking you seems the thing to do." Bricks said, swinging a kick that was effortlessly dodged by Chad.

Naturally, that was the moment Ichigo and the rest of the gang were led in. and naturally Ichigo got kinda pissed of.

A few seconds later Bricks had been shoved through a wall.

The Chaotic Neutrals (minus there leader and the Gunslinger who just watched) all pulled out swords (except Killer rabbit who pulled out a giant ass cannon) and aimed them at Ichigo.

Team Ichigo (plus Yachiru but minus Orihime who was healing Uryu, and Uryu who was still unconscious) pulled out three swords, an arm armour, while Kon prepared to kick people.

Mexican stand offs are fun. Mostly because at any moment pure death can start everywhere at once.

"Apologise for hurting him." Ichigo demanded.

"Apologise for hurting them." Dead girl ordered back. "And me."

"Neither groups apologise but both shut up and sit down." The Leader barked. And was ignored.

"I don't care about any of this." the Gunslinger helpfully commented. And was ignored.

"Wait." Rukia said suddenly. "This is stupid."

"How so?" Ichigo asked raising an eyebrow.

"Well they can't use there Shikis or what ever, without revealing who they are. Therefore: dance! _Sode no_ Shirayuki!" Rukias sword went white and had a ribbon coming out the back of it. "See? Advantage ours!"

"Good idea. However." the leader smirked. "Kill everybody in the room! Zaibatsu Koroshimasu Kikai!"

"Your sword name is "super death machine?" Ichigo asked in disbelief.

"Yep!" the leader chirped as her sword actually _screamed_ as it turned into it's Shiki form. It was now in the form of two large chainsaws, the blades of which had burst into black fire.

"alright. Everyone sit down and play nice or chainsawing time." The Leader said calmly.

"What? But, chainsaws? You can't just. How does? How the hell?" Yachiru shouted in disbelief.

"I don't know you. Should I?" the Leader asked sitting down while casually putting her chainsaws in plain view.

"I'm Yachiru. From the future." Yachiru shrugged, sitting down as well.

"Don't ask. Trust me." Rukia added, following suit.

"Well that's. That's something I did not see coming." Screw Lose said in disbelief. "What's the future like?"

"Aizen wins." Yachiru answered, smirking at the sounds of shock coming from everyone who hadn't been around for the flashbacks. I mean flash forwards. Well it was a flashback for her, but it's in the future. So…. My head now hurts trying to define this. "But if it makes you feel better I have never heard of you guys, which means you were started by time travellers and that changes things."

"So. It really is up to us because if we do nothing the Soul Society will fail? That's what you are telling us?" The Leader asked quietly.

"Yep. You guys. Me. And Team Ichigo, seeing as they now know not to go along with all of Soul Societies plans." Yachiru confirmed. "Oh and Transvestite Kenpachi and Afro Rukia. They might be important, who knows don't ask put the drawings away Rukia." Yachiru said in one breath.

"Well I already thought all that. Thanks for confirming it." The leader grinned.

"so you guys are what? Bad guys but less bad then Aizen? What's the deal?" Ichigo questioned raising an eyebrow.

"no! We're the good guys." The leader said sighing, "The soul society is evil. Aizens side is evil. Either side winning this war is a terrible outcome."

"no. the soul reapers are the good guys, they protect the universe, protect souls, kill Hollows. Did you not expect me to take offence to this?" Rukia asked outraged.

"Actually I like the sounds of this. Please continue." Uryu said, having only just woken up.

"Thank you. We fight against a sick son of a bitch that truly believes his word to be eternal truth. He kills anyone that dares challenge him, and only holds power because none of his men have been strong enough to kill him. He is the reason there are so many evils in this world and I believe that only Ichigo ever has a hope of killing him to once again bring peace to the worlds. We are _**also**_ fighting Aizen. Who is somehow worse."

"Yamamoto truly believes he is in the right. But he is such a freaking extremist that with him in charge we only have three options, submit to the rulings of central 46, resist, or die. Look at what happened to the Quincy, what happened to the Bount, what happened to the Vizard, what happened to the Mod souls. All of them sentenced to death because they went against what the soul reapers wanted."

"No. the Quincy and Bount were killed because they were going to destroy the universe!" Rukia protested adamantly.

"squad 12! An entire squad of experts that is able to build Gigis, portals to other worlds, life itself in the form of a pill! All that and you tell me that they could not of found a way to remove a Quincy's powers? Or a Bounts Thirst for souls? Of cause they could, but hunting them down was easier, cost less, and was quicker. So they died. And the Mod souls? Can you explain that? A few people took offence to using dead bodies? So thousands of deaths, instead of just paying for a stack of Gigis and using them anyway! There was no reason to kill them, no possible reason not to give them fake bodies except cost. So they used Genocide on there own creations to save funds."

"She has a point." Kon commented nodding.

"Yeah she does." Uryu agreed.

"No she doesn't!" Rukia said adamantly "sure mistakes were made. And sure others suffered for those mistakes. But it doesn't make them evil. Just imperfect."

"Three counts of genocide and one attempted mass execution that was only prevented by Urahara, Yoruichi and Tessai, who were then thrown out for following morality instead of the law is beyond imperfect. It's evil pure and simple." The leader countered. "And why the hell are you arguing with me here Rukia? They tried to kill you! And don't give me that bullshit about it being Aizen all along, you know that the punishment for giving a human your soul reaper powers is death. Maybe it ain't total eradication of your soul, but death. And again, how many of the captains opposed Aizen's faked orders to destroy you? It was Ukitake, Kyōraku, Toshiro and Kenpachi. And Kenpachi was only doing it out of pure blood lust towards Ichigo. So out of the thirteen leaders of the supposed "Good guys" only three of them did the right thing. And overall only those three, Renji, Sentarō, Kiyone and Hanatarō actually tried to save you because they wanted to save you. The squad 11 gang were only following orders, so that doesn't count. Seven people. Only seven freaking people in the place you had spent your entire life in, liked you enough to not stand back and watch you die. Five people you knew less then half a year immediately went to save you and that isn't counting those in Urahara's crew who helped them prepare in some way, ironically if you count Ururus training session as counting with helping to save you then that makes it eight to seven. So why you are still on there side is beyond me Rukia."

"Because they are the best large force for good. If the soul society was gone then the Hollows would run rampant. It would be a horrific slaughter." Rukia answered after a moment, "what's your alternative to the soul reapers? Considering the fact that you are one."

"Basically our plan is: kill Genryūsai Shigekuni Yamamoto. Kill Sōsuke Aizen. Take both their thrones. Offer most of the men and women that follow those two monsters the chance to join us, because most of them are not evil, they are just lead by evil, but we will kill off the pure evil ones like Mayuri and Baraggen. Then we figure out a way to get to the Kings realm without mass murder. Kill the Spirit King and replace him." Phoenix summarized. It was strange, but even though he didn't know what she looked like or sounded like, Ichigo seemed to feel very calm just by looking at her.

"And you think She can run the universe?" Ichigo said in disbelief.

"of cause not." The Leader said laughing softly. "We want you to do it. You're the most good person in Bleach, I want you to become God. I want you to become Superman. I want to offer you the chance to protect everyone in the world. What do you say Ichigo Kurosaki?"

Ichigo sat in complete silent for around five minutes before suddenly grinning.

"Sure. Let's do it."

END CHAPTER 5

AN: huh. And what I have leant today is that mixing plot and comedy is really freaking hard. Sorry I know this is a comedy but I sat here and had to make it believable for Ichigo and the gang to betray Soul Society here so I went my normal route of overdoing it.

By the way? Yamamoto is evil. I was going to bring up the fact that they have the Maggots nest which sounds like a prison for political prisoners.

Or that Urahara and Rukia didn't get lawyers and weren't aloud to speak in there own defense in their trials.

Or all the crap he lets Mayuri pull.

Or that they do nothing while most of the Rukongai is a slum, where the residents are poor and miserable. Yes parts aren't but most of it is, and it's the afterlife! It shouldn't have to be justified with "it's not all bad!" its basically heaven right? Because if it is heaven sucks. (also that would make Gin an angel. Rap your head around that.)

But I thought it was long enough as it was. It's good being led by evil and no one but Urahara has seemed to noticed, it's kinda weird. So yeah, the soul society is evil again. It's like the soul society arc with less character introductions. (The Ten Chaotics in this chapter are not being introduced, they are being hidden.)

Till next time, remember the three R's:

Read.

Review.

Review! (it's twice as important. ^_^)


	7. office relationships never work out

Chapter 6: Workplace Romances never work out.

Well then the plot certainly thickened last time didn't it? We got ourselves a war coming. And thankfully we're going back to the humour this chapter. And more illogical parings. Because they are fun.

Review time answer get!

Vampire13Princess: I did? Huh, I'll get round to fixing it soon. Maybe. Probably not. I'm kind of lazy. You like the plan? Well thank goodness for that! I was really worried that my new direction wouldn't be appreciated.

And once again V13Princess is the only review I got. I'm starting to feel like she's the only reason I'm bothering to write this story. Is anyone else actually reading this? Hello? Is anyone there?

"Sure. Let's do it."

It's one of those sentences that make everyone in the room stop and listen. "I'm sleeping with your wife." "I achieved Bankai." "There's no more milk in the fridge" "lets kill god and replace him with me." That kinda thing.

"What?" Ichigo asked, realising everyone was staring at him.

"Sure? Let's do it? That's the way you agree? Damn Ichigo, at least say something cool when you agree to something like that." The Leader said shaking her head in disbelief.

"Oh. Right. Ahem." Ichigo nodded and cleared his throat. "mine is the sword that shall pierce the heavens! Today I shall start the freeing of my world! We shall beat back the dark and-"

"If you aren't taking this seriously, you could just go screw yourself." The leader said annoyed.

"Why would I do that when Yachiru is-" Ichigo began and noticed the look on the pink haired woman's face. "….in the room and I wouldn't want to offend her?" he tried weekly. Yachiru still hit him. Which was fair enough really.

"Any way. You guys in?" Ichigo asked his group who were still looking shocked but snapped themselves out of it.

"I have your back." Chad agreed flashing the thumbs up.

"Sure. I'll help. Why not right?" Kon nodded.

"Yep." Orihime cheered "this'll be fun."

"I think it's a good plan." Yachiru smirked.

"You guys are idiots. Ichigo as the soul king? Worst idea ever!" Uryu shouted in horror.

"What? No the worst idea ever is to release hollow bait in a town because of your own stuck up pride." Ichigo countered.

"Shut up. Look I don't like soul reapers so overthrowing them sounds good. But I don't like what comes after that. But it won't work so i'll help just because you guys would get yourselves killed without me." Uryu finally decided.

"You're asking me to betray everything I know and everyone I hold dear?" Rukia asked quietly.

"Well no. I want you to help that place and those people and make them better." The Leader reasoned.

"It's treason!"

"It's necessary! They set a giant ass fire bird on you!"

"Oh yeah." Rukia remembered. "yeah your right! Fuck 'em! Let's treason the crap out of them!" she decided enthusiastically

"thanks Rukia." Ichigo grinned

"So. which one of you is Urahara?" Kon asked looking around the room

"None of us, but he is on our side. He's just working on stuff for us." Screw lose commented idly.

"What about the vizard?" Chad asked after a moment.

"I asked them after explain the plan. They told me I could shove my sword somewhere unsafe and unsanitary and that they were staying out of this whole mess. Well the exact words they used were "screw you sideways with the Sōkyoku" which is also unsafe and unsanitary." Dead Girl answered smirking.

"so why do they call you dead girl?" Rukia asked, her curiosity getting the better of her.

"Because you guys and the readers all think I'm dead. Duh." Dead girl rolled her eyes.

"Right. So Leader chick? What's the next move?" Ichigo asked, breaking up the potential argument before it started.

"My spies in Aizen's army tell me that he is about to move against the Soul Society and against you. We will not intervene in either situation, so you guys are on your own. But in the aftermath the Soul Reapers will ask for your help. I'm sure of it. You guys accept and when the time is right we strike." The leader grinned.

"How will we know the time?" Ichigo questioned.

"Here." Boom-Boom said, throwing him a watch. "Now go home. We'll be in touch very soon."

Meanwhile.

"ow. My head." Harribel muttered, waking up with a massive headache and a hangover. She staggered out of bed, got dressed and walked out of the room, "Fraction!" she ordered, immediately seeing her three girls appear in front of her. "What. happened. Last. Night?" She asked tiredly.

"We all got drunk?" Apacci answered like she wan't sure herself. Mila Rose was just staring off into space so Harribel decided to talk to Sung-Sun.

"Mila Rose….. wait Apacci? What is the polite way of saying this?" Sung-Sun asked.

"there isn't one."

"Oh. In that case, Mila Rose got her brains screwed out by Grimmjow. She isn't responding too much." Sung-Sun replied, prodding Mila experimentally and grinning when she didn't respond. "I think I prefer her like this."

"How did that happen?" Harribel asked raising an eyebrow.

"Alcohol." The two fully conscious fraction answered as one.

"Right. Well. I'm going to the kitchen." Harribel declared before turning left on the well known route to the kitchen and slammed into a wall. Strange. There had never been a wall there before.

Oh. Wait. That must mean.

"Whose room did I just walk out of?" Harribel asked still on her back staring at the ceiling. A moment later her fractions faces entered her field of view.

"Do you really want to know?"

"No. but tell me anyway." Harribel groaned. "It wasn't Grimmjow so…. Was it Stark or Ulquiorra?"

"No."

"Then I am not going to like the answer."

"You want to sleep with Ulquiorra?" Sung-Sun asked surprised.

"No. but he is bearable as a drunken mistake." Harribel shrugged.

"Oh. Well. You kinda slept with Gin." Apacci said apologetically.

"…" Harribel was very quiet for a moment before rolling onto her chest and started to slam her forehead against the ground.

"I" SLAM "feel" SLAM "really" SLAM "depressed" SLAM "right now." SLAM SLAM SLAM "please go and get me some coffee."

"Alright." Sung Sun walked off with apacci. Miller Rose was still kinda blank. It was creepy. "So, how did she "kinda" sleep with him?"

"Because neither of us got very much sleep." Gin called grinning, as he finally walked out of his bedroom naked.

The fraction decided to keep walking as the sounds of SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM faded away. "Huh. You know with a sword that's so long you'd think he was, you know?" Apacci said conversationally.

"Yeah I was surprised too." Sung Sun nodded. "We're never specking of seeing Gin naked again. Agreed?"

"Very much so yes."

Much later.

"I'm banning alcohol in the fortress." Aizen said, miserably wrestling with a Hangover. "Never again."

Eleven murmurs of "Agreed" floated back to him from the Espeada and ex-captains in varied states of understandable speech.

"O.k. the important question. Who got some?" Grimmjow asked smirking. After a moment everyone present except Starrk, Tosen and Zommari raised their hands.

"Really? Huh. O.k. then spill. We're going down the list." Grimmjow said grinning. "Boss man?"

Aizen smirked, "that purple haired arrancar that only appeared in the Karakura-Raizer episode of the anime."

"You don't know her name?" Gin asked raising an eyebrow.

"no."

"Riiight. O.k. then Gin?" Grimmjow asked.

"Our dearest third." Gin bragged, getting much laughter and causing Harribel to resume slamming her head against the table.

"Awesome. Congrats." Grimmjow smirked "So then the next is Emo Boy."

"I got with two." Ulquiorra said nodding, "they like totally get me you know? And I was all like spilling my emotions to them and they were so spellbound it was amazing."

"he's still in an emo teen state of mind?" Grimmjow sighed, "Anyway two huh? Kinda impressive bucket head. Names?"

"Loly and Menoly."

"oh that's a shame." Grimmjow said wincing in sympathy. "Spoon Man? What you get?"

"err. It was…." Nnoitra began nervously.

"Nel?" Gin guessed. "Every damn time either of you get drunk you somehow end up together. Just freaking admit you like her!"

"What! I hate that bitch! She needs to die and-" Nnoitra began ranting. Everyone else just ignored him.

"the denial of love is like a sword to your soul, to deny what you feel is to deny your own self." Ulquiorra said quietly, "that was the short poem "Denial" by Ulquiorra Cifer." He too was ignored.

"Well I got with Milla Rose so next is Szayel?" Grimmjow said braggingly.

"Oh? Well I got with this absolute sweet heart called Charlotte Chuhlhourne. She's such a good listener and I honestly think that-"

"He." Barragan rumbled.

"What?"

"Charlotte is a man."

Szayel went very still before begining to shake and pulled his knees to his chest, starting to rock back and forth.

Everyone stared at him for a moment before Starrk asked "All for leaving him to his own problems and never speaking of that again?"

"Agreed" everyone rumbled.

"So Aaroniero?" Grimmjow said trying to change the subject.

"Luppi." Aaroniero said simply.

"He's a guy too."

"I know."

Silence.

"I just can't resist his beautiful Tentacles." Aaroniero continued. You are now having the most horrible mental images ever. Embrace them! **EMBRASE THE MIND RAPE!**

"Why did you ask him?" Ulquiorra asked quietly. "Any answer he gave would off been disturbing."

"I'm trying to remember." Grimmjow said disgusted.

"You never asked me." Barragan pointed out loudly.

"I know. But nobody cares about anything you have to say. So I skipped you." Grimmjow replied getting a few laughs from the others.

"I hate all of you. So much." Harribel said suddenly.

"What was that my dear?" Gin asked mockingly.

"Oh shut up you freak. I am sick of all of you! I have to spend my life talking to: two floating heads in a tank of what I can only assume to be blood or cherry aid. I don't know which is more likely, a flamboyant sadist that is so freaking insane he tried to dissect my brain as a Christmas present! A boring moron who won't shut the God damn hell up about how great our boss is, a psychotic nutjob who won't stop attacking anything with a pulse, ANOTHER psychotic nutjob who won't stop attacking anything with a pulse but is a massive sexist with a fetish for either children, girls who can and do beat the crap out of him, or half girl-half horse green haired bimbos!" Harribel started ranting angrily.

"It's…. it's the second one." Nnoitra said weekly

"NOT! FINISHED! YET!" Harribel snapped. "And the closest thing I had to a fellow sane person used to be the nihilist who wouldn't show emotion if his mother was brutally murdered infront of him."

"She never understood me." Ulquiorra muttered. "no one ever understands."

"And now look at him! He's reverted to a woe-is-me weepy teen that hasn't realised: HE IS A HOLLOW AND HAS NO MOTHER!" Harribel continued starting to build up speed.

"I. wait. What?" Ulquiorra muttered in confusion.

"and then we have the vainest man to ever live, who thinks everything revolves around him, and is yet to realise he is just a bitter old man that relies on fear and force to have anything. And then we have the guy who is supposed to be our strongest but at this moment is somehow drinking tea. While asleep!" Harribel continued, actually starting to worry the people here. "my Fraction are a bunch of children in the bodies of adults that would of killed each other if it wasn't for me holding them back and every other hollow in this army is either so stupid it borders on suicidal, so vain it borders on suicidal, so useless that fighting anything is a suicide mission or all three. I am sick of this place, everyone in it and especially you!" she concluded pointing at a confused Aizen. "o.k. I feel better now, bottling up emotions is unhealthy, I should have said that earlier."

"i…. I want to continue talking but I'm kind of worried I'll set you off again." Aizen said nervously.

"oh go ahead, I promise to be quiet." Harribel replied before standing up and walking out of the room, whistling happily.

"I… I think we broke her." Ulquiorra said slowly.

"huh. So do we have therapists here?" Gin asked after a moment.

"No." Aizen shrugged.

"Well then. I say we just point her at the Soul Reapers and see what happens." Gin suggested shrugging.

".K. and that reminds me. It's time to roll out boys!" Aizen declared, opening two portals in mid air. "Espeada 0-4 (Gin, go find where Harribel wondered off too.) you guys go kill Ichigo and anyone else you run into. 5-9 head off to soul society and capture two vice captians. Beyond that I don't care what you do."

"err Yammys dead remember?" Gin pointed out, returning with a still whistling Harribel.

"Oh. Right. Gin you go too." Aizen decided after a moment before handing out small cards to everyone. "Alright, there are instructions on these cards, do not ignore them. Ever."

"Don't fight a guy called Kuchki? Alright." Zommari said not caring.

"Don't be week in front of Nnoitra?" Grimmjow asked perplexed.

"oh. It's how we got killed off right? Good thinking boss." Aaroniero said before pausing, "Wait, mine just says "don't be a dumbass." what do you mean?"

"oh I don't know, don't hold an opponent next to your head long enough for her to kill you? Dumbass!" Aizen pointed out sighing.

"Don't take too long fighting so Aizen gets bored and stabbs you so he can start getting things done?" Harribel said slowly. "you complete son of a bitch!"

"yes yes, I'm evil. Can we move on?" Aizen said dismissively.

"I am so betraying you guys. Just out of principle." Harribel muttered.

"Not if I betray you first." Gin grinned. "hell, I'll race ya!"

"Are you guys finished being stupid yet?" Aizen sighed.

"No." Nnoitra replied smirking.

"look shut up and get in the freaking portals." Aizen ordered. His main army grumbled as they split into two groups and headed off on their missions.

"I always need a drink after talking to them." Aizen muttered.

"you banned alcohol. Remember?" Tosen commented idly.

"Damn it." Aizen groaned.

END CHAPTER 6!

AN: so the next two chapters are going to take place at the same time. One for each mission. However I don't know which to write first. So I'm leaving it up to you lovely people!

If you want to see the weaker Espeada and Gin go kidnapping, then review and end it with the chapter's title: "and thus nothing is sacred."

If you want to see the stronger Espeada take on Team Ichigo first, review and end it with the chapter's title: "You can't fire me! I quit!"

'till next time.


	8. and thus nothing is sacred

Chapter 7: And thus nothing is sacred.

Not much to say today, so straight to:

Review answer corner!

Vampire13princess: Hey those jokes were pretty funny, and a good pun should make you groan. It's PUNdamental! HAHAHA. Sorry. And yeah trying to come up with weird parings in bleach is hard. Most of the ones I wanted to use were actually already done. Thanks for the review and vote. One point kidnapping! *Ping*

Wheezerteebs: really glad to hear you liked it. Thanks for the kind words and the vote. One point kill Ichigo! *Ping*

Uvi: Good to know.

And that means the scores are….. One all. Huh. See people this is the problem with democracy, it never goes the way I want it to, and the person running the show is an idiot.

Screw it let's do the kidnapping first. Sorry wheezerteebs, But I had to do one of them. I think I'll make the Attack on the human world chapter longer as an apology or something.

Right then. Let's continue the madness shall we? And can I just mention how happy I am to get the story back in the soul society? The soul reapers are so much fun to write.

A portal opened up in the outskirts of the rukongai, allowing six figures to walk out into the sunlight.

Nnorita exited first, grinning wildly at all the humans running for there lives at the sight of him, he was followed by Grimmjow and Zommari who were casually discussing what the soul society smelled like to them. Szayel walked out next, flinching at the sight of anything purple.

And finally Gin and Aaroniero exited. Both of them excited for very different reasons.

"Wait. I think I'm in the wrong group." Gin said immediately. "Damn, I meant to replace Yammy and I was so used to him being at the bottom I joined the wrong group."

"Meh, who cares? It's not like the others are going to have a difficult fight." Nnorita shrugged, before starting to walk towards the seireitei.

Then a massive amount of walls dropped out of the sky and landed in front of him. Blocking the path.

"Oh yeah. Forgot about that." Gin commented chuckling as a giant man wearing a fez approached them.

"I am Jidanbo! The gate keeper! You should have chosen a different path you hollows!" the giant boasted pulling out two large axes.

"Err guys? Are you sensing his spiritual pressure?" Grimmjow asked not looking even slightly worried.

"yep. He's third seat at best." Szayel grinned. "So the question is. Why is the first line of defence pathetic?"

"I'm right here you know." Jidanbo complained. "I can hear you insult me, it's very rude."

"Shut up you. So can I eat him?" Aaroniero asked, and getting a nod from Gin, leapt forwards with his weird tentacle arm….. tentacling? I guess.

What followed was messy and unpleasant. Let's just say our loveable gatekeeper got himself bloodily ripped apart and devoured, his soul and strength fuelling the ninth espada forever.

"Hey. Hey guys. Check this out." Aaroniero said grinning before turning into the now deceased Giant and back again. "How cool is this? And I can get us in, look." He smirked before shouting "False alarm!" making the walls go back into the sky.

"Nice." Szayel admitted grudgingly. "O.k. Gin? You know the lieutenants better then us. Who will be easily to get?"

"Well. 13th don't got one thanks to mr Tentacle rape over here." Gin began casually.

"Ha! Good times. Good times." Aaroniero laughed.

"Anyway. Seeing as the 11ths holds the leash of freaking Cthulu, I think it'll be easier to find other lieutenants. Also? The third and tenth lieutenants are freaking badasses, we do not want to mess with them ever. Agreed?" Gin said intently.

"If there that tough why ain't they Captains?" Grimmjow questioned raising an eyebrow.

"Because they don't like paperwork. I dunno I never asked 'em. Look we're leaving Kira and Matsumoto alone. Understand?" Gin said glaring at them so hard his eyes opened slightly.

This was enough to have all five espada scared enough to agree. And so scared that they missed Gin's brief sigh of relief.

"Alright let's get going. I happen to know that the captains are in a meeting at this time so we should be good for a while. Now I say we work our way backwards because all the captains are in the squad one barracks right now. So let's head on down to the freak department that is number 12." Gin Grinned flash stepping away.

A few minutes later they were in the twelfth, a few seconds after that, Szzayel ran off and started stealing all the data he could find.

"Damn it! Get back here!" Nnorita roared, running after the pink haired hollow and stabbing at any soul reaper that raised their heads form there work to try and see what the noise was.

"Stop." Nemu ordered jumping in front of Nnorita with her sword drawn.

"lol. No." Nnorita replied, swinging that freaky ass weapon of his at her.

Nemu ducked under the strike and immediately raised her hand and started chanting "Ruler! Mask of flesh! All things-" but was interrupted by Nnorita cutting her arm off.

Nnorita grinned before kicking her into a wall. "Stop this. bitch." he quipped before swinging at her neck.

Nemu did indeed stop the attack by blocking it with her sword.

"Huh? how in the hell?" Nnorita muttered before shrugging and punched Nemu so hard that her skull caved in.

"Ha. and that's two named good guys we have killed off already!" Nnorita bragged.

"Dumb freaking asshole!" Gin yelled in frustration, kicking Nnorita in the back. "she's this divisions lieutenant. Moron! We came here for nothing."

"I wouldn't say nothing. We all got to kill a bunch of people for no reason. I call that a win." Nnorita replied laughing.

Gin turned and realised that Grimmjow was walking along while shoving his hands through people's guts while laughing, Aaroniero was eating Akon ("three named good guys' dead!" Nnorita shouted laughing), Zommari was killing people but he never looked happy. and Szayel was dissecting some poor and still very much alive person.

"Yeah I guess your right. Looks like fun." Gin nodded before turning to look at a group of soul reapers. "Shoot to kill."

Meanwhile at the captains meeting.

The door was opened as a messenger ran into the meeting. "Sir! the espada are attacking the human world!" he reported out of breath, "Squad 13 member Rukia Kuchki is requesting immediate back up. She says that they are not going to be able to last very long with out assistance."

"Everyone start heading to Karakura! Now!" Yamamoto ordered before being interrupted by a second soul reaper that entered the meeting.

"Sir. The twelfth division is under attack. The damage is catastrophic."

"What!" Mayuri yelled in outrage.

"The twelfth is reporting massive casualties" The messenger continued.

"WHAT!" Mayuri screamed in even more outrage.

"And Nemu is dead." The messenger continued.

"Well that's not so bad." Mayuri shrugged.

Several of the captains gave several variations of "What?"

"Oh it's fine. I'll just rape my daughter's corpse back to life." Mayuri said casually.

Silence.

"What did you just say?" Toshiro asked horrified beyond words.

"I call it "Incest-necrophilia-rape-regeneration." I invented it myself." Mayuri said proudly, before noticing the looks he was getting. "Oh come on, you were not this horrified when I told you about making Quincies burn their own children. Or when i drilled holes in their heads while they were still alive. So what's a little incest on top of that?" Mayuri pointed out before pausing. "Oh wait. I never told you guys about the child burning now did i?"

"You. They. Can't. You are the most evil thing in bleach!" Soi Fon spluttered after a moment. "How can you have fans? Or be classed as a good guy? Or have child burning as actually part of the cannon?"

"Why is he still here?" Ukitake demanded. "I want him arrested."

"No. we need all the captain class soul reapers that we can for the war." Yamamoto replied blankly.

"Your letting him get away with that?" Toshiro asked in horror.

Yamamoto sighed. "Fine. Kenpachi? I give you permission to hit Mayuri."

"Wait what?" Mayuri asked before being punched through four walls and off into the distance Team Rocket style.

"I didn't say take off the eye patch." Yamamoto said sighing again. "Well let's go kill the intruders. I guess." he shrugged again before the captains flash stepped towards the twelfth.

Meanwhile.

"Well this is more resistance then I expected." Szayel commented.

"Yep." Grimmjow agreed.

"I mean this is like. A lot of soul reapers. A stupidly large amount."

"Yep." Grimmjow repeated.

The six bad guys seemed to be surrounded by a sea of sword welding people wearing black. The eleventh and thirteenth squads had arrived and more people were turning up by the minute.

"I have a plan that will leave everyone happy." Gin commented. "Nnorita and Grimmjow will stay here and kill everything they see but each other. Causing a distraction for us three sneaky people to sneak about and look for the people we're after. Agreed?"

Everyone nodded and seconds latter the two espada were alone and surrounded by several thousand enemies that all wanted to kill them.

"So. I am in a world where everything is my opponent. I can kill anything I want and I get away with it." Grimmjow commented while casually pulling his sword out of its scabbard before dragging his finger nails along the blade. "I knew there was a reason I got out of bed this morning. Grind! Pantera!"

"Yeah you got that right Blue. Christmas has come early. Prey! Santa Teresa!"

"You think they will last long?" Zommari asked as the others moved through the streets of soul society.

"No. but they annoy me so I don't really care if they die." Gin replied smirking, before coming to a halt. "Oh would you look at that."

Leading a regiment of 6th division troops was Renji.

"A Lieutenant?" Szayel asked smirking.

"Yes indeed." Gin nodded, jumping forwards and landing in front of the red head. "Hey. How are ya?" he asked casually, as if he wasn't a wanted criminal traitor talking to a general of an army that wanted him dead.

"I been better." Renji replied just as casually. "You see, I been having some trouble with my- ROAR ZABIMARU!" He yelled, swinging his shiki in an attempt to catch Gin off guard.

It totally didn't work.

"Oh. Well then. Bankai! Hihio Zabimaru!" Renji yelled, swinging his giant bone snake. (And you thought Gin was compensating for something?)

Gin flash stepped out of the way calmly as the three hollows appeared behind Renji and commenced beating the crap out of him.

"Hey. You can not just hurt our-" Rikichi began moments before Zommari sliced him in half.

"You know I have a sudden urge to point out that we've killed four good guys. The others must be doing well." Nnorita commented as he duelled with Ikkaku.

"Oh wow, look at all this crap I don't give about the others! Gee there sure is a lot of it!" Grimmjow snapped back while Cero blasting poor Mikizo into ashes.

"Five good guys dead! I love today." Nnorita cackled. Before cocking his head. "Huh. Six dead. I guess the gang in Karakura just wasted someone."

"Hey." Yamamoto said flashing infront of them with four other captains behind him.

"I hate today." Nnorita decided. "Run away! Run away!" he shouted, opening up a garganta and pulling Grimmjow in with him.

"Well that's dull." Kenpachi muttered before looking around at all the death. "Huh this is gonna be a bitch to clean up. And I just realised that I can leave." He smirked before picking Soi-Fon up and slinging her over his shoulder casually. "Come on short stuff. Let's go find where Mayuri lands."

"put me down or I start stinging all boyfriends to death." Soi Fon yelled angrily.

"Excuse me. But what are you doing with my pineapple." a voice came from behind Gin.

"Huh? Oh it's you." Gin said as he noticed who had just arrived.

"Who?" Zommari asked raising an eyebrow.

"Byakuya Kuchiki" Gin introduced.

Zommari paused. Then he pulled out a small card. Then he read it.

"See ya!" Zommari shouted and legged it.

"God damn it Zommari" Gin muttered in frustration. "All right, here's the plan, Szayel takes Renji back to base. We'll figure out a way to find another lieutenant and join you soon."

"Can do." Szayel agreed, picking up the unconscious Renji and leaving via a garganta.

"You stole pineapple. I kill you! Death to the pineapple thief!" Byakuya ranted releasing his shiki.

"oh that's right. He's one petal short of a winter blossom." Gin sniggered, "This should be fun."

Thunk.

"ow."

thunk.

"ow."

THUNK

"oww!"

"Why do you keep poking him?" Soi Fon asked idly watching Kenpachi hit Mayuris broken body with a stick.

"I never found him with broken limbs before. Too rare an opertunity to miss." Kenpachi grunnted

thunk.

"Ow!" Mayuri grunted in pain.

Soi Fon picked up another stick and smirked.

Thunk whack

"OWW WHY DO YOU DO THIS?" Mayuri grunted in pain.

And all three of them had a good long laugh.

"Halt intruder." A voice from behind Zommari commanded. "identify yourself!"

"I am Zommari Rureaux. 7th espada and the most loyal person to ever serve lord Aizen." he boasted turning around.

"Excuse me?" the short brown haired girl said slowly. "you think you love Aizen more then ME?" she shouted "Snap! Tobiume!"

"Where are you going? Gunslinger." Dead Girl asked as she saw her team mate walk out the front door of there base.

"to help my sister. There are espada near her, I want to know she's safe." the gunslinger answered calmly. "you gonna stop me?" She demanded turning to look her friend in the eye.

"If you go now, Aizen will know about us, we'll lose everything. Please see reason. Your sister will be fine." Dead Girl pleaded.

"And what if she isn't? What if she dies?" The gunslinger demanded. Not getting an answer she sniggered, "See that's the thing you never got. I don't give a shit about Aizen. Or you. Or the leader. Or soul society. She's all that matters."

"Well then. I guess there's no stopping you is there? Fine. Leave your cloak, as acting boss of the team while the Leader is in soul society, I proclaim that from now on you are no longer a chaotic neutral." Dead Girl said sadly.

The gunslinger threw the cloak off, revealing the fact that she had dozens and dozens of guns strapped to her body, including a freaking bazooka!

"Well then. See you around." Gunslinger grinned, pulling out an automatic rifle and running out the door to find her family member.

"The Boss ain't gonna be pleased." Screw-lose said watching her go.

"Is anybody pleased?" Dead Girl replied sighing.

"Wimp." Grimmjow muttered.

"Shut up." Nnorita snapped.

"Seriously. Forcing me to retreat? You suck so much!" Grimmjow complained as they walked back into the meeting hall and noticed the top four were back already. "oh. Hey guys!"

"Are the others dead? How come it's only you two?" Harribel demanded immediately.

"And hello to you too princess." Nnorita spat out. Slumping into his chair. "nah the others are still around some place, we just left early. Shit Starrk. What the hell happened to you?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Starrk muttered.

"So how'd it go?" Grimmjow asked sitting down as well.

"You would not believe the day we've had. First off-" Starrk began but was prevented from spoiling the next chapter by the arrival of Szayel carrying Renji.

"Out standing." Aizen smiled, taking Renji and placing him in a glowing energy prison that floated next to his throne. "Good work so far. Five less named characters and one hostage, and the chapters not even over hahahaha!"

"Aizen creeps the hell out of me sometimes." Grimmjow said unsurly.

"I haven't slept without nightmares since meeting him." Harribel agreed.

"What is Aizen's favourite drink?" Momo demanded.

"earl grey tea!" Zommari replied smugly. "What is Aizens favourite book?" he shot back.

"The art of war!" Momo answered quickly.

They stopped and looked at each other. They had been shooting questions back and forth for half an hour now and neither had made a mistake.

"you... you love Aizen as much as me don't you?" Zommari said in wonder.

"i finally met my equal." Momo agreed in happiness.

They stared into each others eyes before moving forwards and started to make out passionately.

"come back with me. Back to Aizen. Together." Zommari whispered to the girl he had just fallen in love with.

"yes. Of cause I will." Momo said her eyes filled with tears of happiness.

Hand in hand the crazy soul reaper and the crazy hollow walked into a portal and towards Aizen.

The person who had just become the _second_ most important person in their lives.

"And now I hate flowers." Gin commented, as Byakuya's bankai attacked him again.

"Can we leave?" Aaroniero wined, he was really getting his ass kicked and he was sick of it.

"Fine." Gin agreed. They oppened a portal just as the other captians arived.

"Stop right there trator!" Yammamoto ordered.

Gin just waved as the portal closed.

"Bye bye."

"Ah ha! A second hostage!" Gin said a while latter said as he walked in with Aaroniero

"oh i'm not a hostage. I'm the new tenth espada!" Momo declared happily. Raising her hands to show the number one tattooed on one of her palms, and the number zero on the other.

"What?" Gin said in complete disbelief.

"That's exactly what I said." Aizen said shaking his head in confusion.

END CHAPTER 7

o.k. Few things to say here.

1 Nemu ain't dead for good. Incest-necrophilia-rape-regeneration remember?

2 ZommariXMomo. How is it i am the first person to think of this? THEY ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER! Not joking in the slightest here. They really would fall in love if they met.

3 no i don't like Mayuri. he. Rapes. His. Daughters. Corpse. Back. Too. Life. He freely admits to forcing people to burn there own children! If a Mayuri fan reads this PLEASE explain to me how you can like him. It scares me that he has fans. Fans that ship him with Nemu. (Shrudders) i haven't killed him off because i want to cause him a lot more pain over the cause of the story.

4 that scene with Gunslinger? Next chapter, but i really wanted to put that in here to make you more excited for the next one. (p.s. Gunslinger is becoming my fave charicter to write in this story, even if all she talks about is her sister :P )

'till next time peeps remember:

Ichimaru sees you in your dreams.

Ichimaru sees you in your nightmares.

So review! Or you will dream of a naked Gin strocking your neck while whispering dark secrets to you. (no wait Yaoi fangirls probly dream that and never want to wake up.)


	9. Killing things with swords

_Chapter 8: killing things with swords_

_Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am today's entertainment, bringing you a chapter of blood and violence and mystery for you lucky punks! But first, I got a couple reviews to answer!_

_wheezerteebs: glad you liked it and thank you for the kindness. Here's the chapter you wanted to see! Sorry you had to wait to read it._

_Vampire13Princess: yeah he burns children, in chapter 123 of the manga he brags about it. so yeah, kinda messed up. Do you really care about the people I killed off? I chose the ones I did because I thought that nobody gave a damn about them, ah well. And yes. All your questions are answered this chapter. Thanks for the review, please enjoy!_

_Hopscot: thank you very much. You have a DSi? *jealous as hell*_

_AllHailYachiru: first off, coolest user name ever! Secondly, thanks for the review._

_Alright then, I hope you like fight scenes because this chapter is one long battle. I really hope I'm good at writing these because my plot dictates there's going to be several more chapters like this! (Of cause if you are a bleach fan that hates fighting I'm a little confused as to why you watch it.)_

_Onwards with the story!_

Team Ichigo walked down the street from their meeting with the Chaotic Neutrals two chapters ago.

"O.k. I got one." Ichigo said conversationally, "Yoruichi can flash step out of her clothes. So can Byakuya. Byakuya leant all his flash step moves from her. Gentlemen. Discuss."

The group started laughing at how Rukia was suddenly flustered and red. "Shut up guys. Seriously it's not funny." She barked.

"Yes it is." Kon replied smirking.

And then a portal opened up in the air, far above the middle of the road.

"Not good." Chad muttered.

Starrk (carrying a large sack), Barragan, Harribel and Ulquiorra walked out and looked down at them.

"Really not good." Chad continued getting a large amount of nods from the others.

"We're about to get our asses kicked aren't we?" Rukia asked worriedly.

"No." Starrk replied calmly. "You're about to get killed. Completely different thing altogether." He then opened the sack and pulled out a very pissed off Lilinette.

"Starrk you asshole! Why did you do that?" Lilinette demanded, punching Starrk in the head.

"So we don't have to hear about your bitching and moaning." Starrk replied chuckling, "kick about. _Kechiras_." He said softly, causing Lininette to vanish as their resurrection was released.

"Oh hell." Ichigo muttered, "this is gonna suck."

"We got a plan?" Orihime asked worriedly.

"Nope." Ichigo cheerfully said after a moments thought.

"Outstanding." Yachiru said dryly. "We got two captain level people here." She summarized, gesturing between herself and Ichigo. "The rest of you have no hope in hell."

"Oh, thanks for the vote of confidence." Rukia muttered annoyed. She pulled out her spirit phone and called squad 12. "Hey we got a bunch of espada attacking. Send help or lose the town." She barked, before listening to the pause. "did you honestly just say that you guys are having your own problems? Asshole!" she yelled before hanging up. "That Akon is such a jerk. I hope that "problem" of his kills the bastard."

"Wait! My mind is now full of good ideas." Ichigo declared, grabbing Kon and pulling the pill out of the lion and swallowing it. "Kon go get Mr Hat 'nd Clogs. We'll hold them off 'till then."

"okay." Kon agreed worriedly before jumping off towards the candy store.

"That's your plan?" Rukia said slowly, "Attack the people we have no hope of beating?"

"Yep." Ichigo grinned, pulling his sword off his back. "Now then. Bankai. Tensa zangetsu." He smirked as his massive cleaver turned into a black daito. Calmly he raised his hand in front of his face and activated his hollow mask. "I'll take the biggest threat because I'm the hero." He said braggingly.

"Idiot." Yachiru said fondly. "Say it. Come on you have to say it."

"Yeah alright." Ichigo agreed before jumping straight up and launching himself at Starrk, screaming the words: "LEEEEROY JENKINS!"

"You know." Rukia said watching Yachiru crack up at the internet refrence. "I'm realy starting to see why these two fell for each other. Their both insane."

"Yep." Chad agreed.

Starrk was so bemused that Ichigo did something so stupid that he barely remembered to block in time, only just managing to use the barrel of his left gun to keep his sword from stabbing him in the face.

"You can't possibly be that stupid." Starrk said slowly.

"Don't underestimate me." Ichigo replied laughing before jumping backwards to give himself enough room to fire off a Getsuga Tenshō.

Starrk gave a faint: "herrm." Of surprise before opening fire on the energy attack, overloading it before it could reach him. "You'll have to do better then that."

Ichigo cursed before starting to move as fast as possible, running rings around Starrk so fast that there were dozens of after images of the masked soul reaper.

"Alright." Starrk said, faintly impressed. "That is better."

*scene change*

"Are they attacking us?" Harribel asked in confusion.

"Yes." Barragan agreed.

"They are kinda thick then." Harribel commented.

"Yes." Barragan agreed.

"You're really boring aren't you?" Harribel said amused.

"Screw you." Barragan replied annoyed.

"Excuse me?" Yachiru suddenly spoke up from between them. "But I'd quite like to start fighting now. So is your conversation finished?"

"I suppose so." Barragan nodded. As soon as he said that, Yachiru swung for his neck, Barragan just laughed before ducking under it and pulling out his axe. "You chose to face the King of Hollows?" he demanded amazed.

"No I want to fight you. Aizen isn't here." Yachiru replied, giggling at how angry Barragan suddenly looked.

Barragan swore and started a long series of attacks, immediately putting Yachiru on the defence as she tried her hardest to avoid the attacks.

Suddenly Yachiru flash stepped unexpectedly behind the old hollow and stabbed at his unprotected back.

Barragan didn't even pretend that he was going to dodge; instead he just raised his spiritual pressure to the point where her blade started to age and rot as it approached him.

"Crap in a box!" Yachiru yelled, quickly putting as much difference between the two of them as possible. Looking over her sword she realised that it had just become about two inches shorter and no longer had a point.

"So. You fancy yourself a god huh?" Yachiru said calmly. "So stupid, there are Gods. And you are not one of them. There are demons. And you don't qualify as one of them either. All you are is an animal that's smarter then the rest of the beasts we call hollows."

"You dare mock me? I will rot your flesh until you are nothing but dust!" Barragan yelled in anger.

"Sure you will." Yachiru said in the tone of voice that you would use to talk to a preschooler. "Want to meet a real god? Because I'd like to let him out." She commented before smiling sadistically.

"**Bankai! ****Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"**

"Wait what?" Barragan said slowly.

"Oh I'm sorry. Do you not speak the language of the elder Gods?" Yachiru asked in mock concern, throwing her sword into the air and watching with anticipation as it exploded, forming a large hole in the sky. "I said: in his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulu waits dreaming."

"What's a Cthulu?" Barragan asked slowly.

"Not "A cthulu" it's "the Cthulu." There is only one." Yachiru explained as a green slimy claw like hand emerged from the hole and pushed itself into the real world.

"Here: kitty. Kitty. Kitty." Yachiru said softly, smiling at her old nickname for the giant monster.

Barragan sighed before walking up to Cthulu.

"The god of chaos? Hi. I am the god of ageing." He said before lifting his axe above his head. "Now die." He ordered, bringing the axe down in an overhead swing that buried in Cthulus skull up to the hilt.

Cthulu just looked up at him and for a moment Barragan could almost see the amusement in the creatures expression before it punched him through a wall.

"oh." Barragan said weekly. "not good."

*scene change.*

"Quick. While their distracted!" Rukia called out. Spurring the others into action as they leapt forwards to engage the two Especial that, until now, had just been standing around watching the fights.

Rukia attacked Harribel, firing off kido at her to lure her to the ground. It worked and the blond Espeada walked towards her calmly drawing her sword.

"Orihime? Lets give the fan boys what they all want to see shall we?" Rukia asked grinning.

"What's that?" Orihime asked, not sure where she was going with this.

"Some hot Girl-on-girl action!" Rukia yelled, swinging her sword forwards at Harribel who blocked the attack while laughing.

"That's actually pretty funny. Even if I am trying to kill you." Harribel replied, "you know full well you can't win. So why try?" she asked, swinging out suddenly and catching Tsubaki, who had just been fired at her by Orihime.

"Well it seemed like a good idea at the time." Rukia shrugged before laughing when Harribels attack was blocked by the sudden appearance of a golden shield. "besides we're just buying time here."

"What?" Harribel questioned, punching Tsubaki hard enough to knock him unconscious. I have no idea if that is possible, but she did it so….

Orihime suddenly tackled Harribel from behind, distracting her enough that Rukia was able to stab her in the chest.

Nothing happened.

"Idiots. Remember the concept of Hierro? You two can't even scratch me." Harribel sighed before lashing out with a kick that connected with Rukias gut and flung her into a wall with a thud.

She was unconsious before she hit the ground.

Orihime paused, "Err, any chance of letting me run away?" she requested shyly. Before running off quickly, Harribel let her.

*scene change.*

Chad and Uryu hit the ground bleeding and unconscious.

What? Were you expecting them to win?

Ulquiorra walked towards them and raised his sword.

"I am freeing you from the pain and meaninglessness of life. You should be thanking me." He said quietly before performing the killing blow.

Or he would if a sword hadn't suddenly blocked the strike.

"Hi there." Urahara said grinning at the confused and totally dark and mysterious hollow. "if you want a real fight, then I guess I can oblige ya." He said cheerfully.

"This is so not good." Ulquiorra murmured. "But at least I have something to talk about in my live journal."

*scene change*

So it turned out the first Espeada was quite strong.

Who would of guessed?

Ichigo was breathing heavily and was starting to collect quite a lot of wounds. He'd been shot twice, chewed on by exploding wolves, hit by a cero, and stabbed with energy swords that Starrk insisted were NOT lightsabers. Even if his guns had started humming the imperial march.

Ichigo was not having a good day.

"Give up." Starrk demanded. He was less injured but still starting to get tired.

"Yeah no." Ichigo spat blood out of his mouth and glared.

"Why not?" Starrk demanded "Why are you so eager to throw away your life?"

"To protect my friends." Ichigo answered simply.

"I see. So if I were to kill your friends you would submit?" Starrk asked before Sonído-ing to where Orihime was trying to heal Rukia. Harribel had wondered off somewhere, I don't know, to go help fight Cthulu or something.

"For what it's worth. I'm sorry." Starrk said, starting to charge up a cero that would kill both of the girls if it was fired.

Which it wasn't.

You see in the short time it took to charge the attack, a thin blue light suddenly flew through the air and went through the cero and Starrks chest. Starrk looked down at the small hole that was now in him, just above the larger hole that was always there.

"The hell?" Starrk muttered before looking up to see a female with a hell of a lot of guns glaring at him.

"Get away from her." The Gunslinger ordered, pulling out an assault rifle and starting to open fire on him.

Starrk was expecting it this time and easily dodged, firing back and forcing his opponent to move to cover behind one of the many buildings that Cthulu had destroyed.

"Huh. You're a Quincy?" Starrk said in surprise when examining her spiritual pressure.

"Correct." The Gunslinger replied smirking.

"So you're a human?" Starrk said slowly.

"Correct again."

"So It's the orange haired girl you are here to protect?" Starrk said, finaly getting the big picture.

"You've earned yourself a third correct." The Gunslinger said before leaping forwards and opening fire on him, making the Hollow curse as he was shot through the leg, forcing him to his knees. The Gunslinger used a Hirenkyaku to appear behind Starrk, putting her shotgun against his head. "You are going to leave my sister alone Dirtbag."

At this point Rukia had woken back up and was watching this in confusion. "Err Orihime? I didn't know you had a sister."

Orihime smiled at Rukia, "Well not by blood maybe. But about as close to having a sister as you can otherwise get."

"Heh. Damn right." Tatsuki Arisawa agreed before pulling the trigger.

I have mentioned that Starrk is really strong right?

Yeah he's really fast too.

Because now he was behind Tatsuki and had wrapped an arm around her neck.

"Huh. Another captian class good guy. Aizen won't be pleased. Unless i kill you right now." Starrk muttered before raising his other arm.

Then Ichigo turned up again.

"Don't!" He yelled, flashstepping next to a very startled Starrk.

"Ever!" he continued, slashing Starrk across the chest. Starrk fell backwards trying to figure out how to get out of this situation.

"Threaten!" Ichigo chased after him, hate in his eyes and a mask on his face. Starrk raised his left arm and aimed a pistol at Ichigo's head.

"My!" Ichigo blurred again and was now next to the Hollow and with one swing took Starrks arm off in a spray of blood.

"**Friends**!" Ichigo finished about to finish Starrk off when Harribel appeared next to them, grabbed Starrk and pulled him out of the way.

"i think we should retreat. Harribel commented, moments before they looked up to see Cthulu swallow a very unamused Barragan whole.

"Yeah i know where you are coming from here." Starrk agreed. "Where's bucket head?" He asked moments before Ulquiorra came into view being chased by a man in a green and white hat.

"Any chance of some help here guys?" Ulquiorra moaned running past them.

"We're leaving." Harribel ordered, opening a garganta and dragging the scared emo into it.

"Wait. Last chapter Nnoritia said we killed a good guy this chapter. So logicaly, if i fire off a cero." Ulquiorra muttered before sending off a blast of green energy. "I will absolutly kill someone."

the portal closed and the good guys all looked around in confusion.

"Nope. We're all still here." Ichigo said confused. "What did he hit anyway?"

"Err. He hit your house." Urahara said sadly. Pointing to the burning wreckage of the Kurosaki clinic.

"But that means... NO!" Ichigo said slowly before running to the wrekage as fast as possible.

"Ichigio? Whats going on? What happened to out house?" Yuzu asked when he arrived.

"I don't know." Ichigo lied, "but at least your." Ichigo paused, "how can you see me?"

"What do you mean?" Yuzu asked, turning around to look at him.

Revealing the broken spirit chain that was attached to her chest.

Ichigo froze and started to tremble as the others finaly caught up.

"Rukia? What's going on? And why is Ichigo leaking white stuff? I'm starting to get scared here." Yuzu asked quietly.

"White stuff? oh. Oh crap." Yachiru whispered in terror.

Aizens throne room.

"What do you mean you lost?" Aizen said slowly.

"Well we didn't win." Harribel explained simply.

"We killed a small girl that's related to Ichigo." Ulquiorra offered weekly.

"Ah yes. That's worth my best man losing a limb." Aizen said sarcasticly.

"Seriously. Forcing me to retreat? You suck so much!" Grimmjow complained as they walked back into the meeting hall and noticed the top four were back already. "oh. Hey guys!"

"Are the others dead? How come it's only you two?" Harribel demanded immediately.

"And hello to you too princess." Nnorita spat out. Slumping into his chair. "nah the others are still around some place, we just left early. Shit Starrk. What the hell happened to you?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Starrk muttered.

"So how'd it go?" Grimmjow asked sitting down as well.

"You would not believe the day we've had. First off-" Starrk began but was prevented from spoiling the next chapter by the arrival of Szayel carrying Renji.

"Out standing." Aizen smiled, taking Renji and placing him in a glowing energy prison that floated next to his throne. "Good work so far. Five less named characters and one hostage, and the chapters not even over hahahaha!"

"Aizen creeps the hell out of me sometimes." Grimmjow said unsure.

"I haven't slept without nightmares since meeting him." Harribel agreed.

"Oh come on. I aint that creepy. Am i?" Aizen asked.

Silence.

"So no one is going to ask what happened to Barragan?" Harribel asked after a moment.

"no. We don't care." Grimmjow replied, getting nodds from everybody preasent.

"look. All i'm saying is the glasses mean that we can't see all of his beautifull face." Zommari said walking back in.

"And all i'm saying back, is that they make him so much more cuddly." Momo countered walking along side him.

"What the hell is this?" Aizen said slowly.

"Well she want's to join our side. So i let her." Zommari explained smiling.

"But... wait." Aizen said after a moment. "Whay DIDN'T i take her with me in the first place? I mean an extra lutenent class person on my side is a good idea. There was no reason to stab her. Man i'm stupid."

"I wanna be tenth espeada!" Momo said, stairing at Aizen so intently she seemed to have forgotten how to blink.

"What?" Aizen said flatly.

"Come on it'll be fun. Plus i hear you need a tenth." Momo argued. "Come on pleeease?"

"You know what? Fine." Aizen sighed and was immedietly glomped by Momo who hugged him tightly.

Aizen broke the moment by using kido to make the tattos burn themselves into her hands, causing her to yelp and jump backwords.

"oh yeah. This is going to be fun i can just tell." Aizen muttered sighing.

"Ah ha! A second hostage!" Gin said a while latter said as he walked in with Aaroniero

"oh I'm not a hostage. I'm the new tenth espada!" Momo declared happily. Raising her hands to show the number one tattooed on one of her palms, and the number zero on the other.

"What?" Gin said in complete disbelief.

"That's exactly what I said." Aizen said shaking his head in confusion.

Then Renji woke up with a groan.

"Ah welcome Abari. How do you feel?" Aizen asked, faking politeness.

"What the hell are you doing with me?" Renji demanded angry as hell.

"My plan is simple: the heroes will asume that I am doing the "kidnap Orihime thing" again. When in actual fact, when a rag tag bunch of heroes tries to save you. I'll kill them all myself, robing Soul Sociaty of many powerfull soul reapers." Aizen explained smugly.

"And you're expecting what? Team Ichigo and half a dozern from squad six right?" Renji asked starting to smile.

"Yes." Aizen nodded. "Why are you smiling?"

Renji just looked at him for a moment before starting to laugh "Bwahahaahahahahaha. Hehehe ha bahwawaaha!"

"The shit?" Nnorita asked confused.

"Alright. Because you uys are apparently all very thick let me explain how screwed you all are." Renji said, still chuckling. "Right, the difference between this and the manga? They all know you kidnapped me. Meaning that Soul sociaty ain't gonna keep out of it."

Meanwhile.

"Alright then. We all ready?" Yamamoto asked. Standing in front of every single soul reaper who were amassed in the largest army ever seen.

"We are. The only people missing are those in karakura town and the messenger we sent to ask everyone in said town to join us on route." Sasakibe confirmed.

"Excelent. Kenpachi! Lead the charge!" Yamamoto ordered.

"Can do." Kenpachi agreed. Turning, he led the entire 11th squad to be the first to march into hueco mundo.

"If you go down to the 11th today you're in for a big surprise." Kenpachi began to sing.

"If you go down to the 11th today i bet you'll face your demise!" Yachiru, Ikkaku and Yumichika joined in.

"For every thug that ever they was! Have gavered here to fight because!" The rest of the division joined in untill the song was booming over the entire city.

"TODAYS THE DAY THE ELEVENTH SQUAD GOES ASS KICKING!"

Yamamoto smiled. "The war has begun."

Meanwhile.

The Chotic Neutrals smiled as one as they watched through a spy camra that one of the captians on there side was wearing. Everything was going exactly as planed.

As one they stood. It was nearly time to show themselves.

It was funny, Yamamoto was right. The war was begining.

However it wasn't the Winter war.

It was the Alignment war that they were marching towards.

END CHAPTER 8

AN: ^_^ i've been looking forward to this for so long. Oh yeah and Tatsuki is the Gunslinger. Please tell me what you think of that.


	10. Another lose cannons gone bipolar

_Chapter 9: another lose cannons gone bipolar._

_Yay. Another chapter! Full 'f fun for fans._

_Review answering section._

_Gundam Lord: Well fair enough, I'm impressed you saw it coming, and as for the question about Tatsuki, it's answered this chapter. So thanks for the reviews._

_Metsfan101: thank you, I appreciate it. (btw is your name a world war z reference?)_

_Vampire13Princess: Ichigo's **human** friends? No. yes Aizen is a bit of an idiot, and I got Starrks sword name wrong? God damn it. Stupid bleach wiki screwing me over! (o.k. it would have been me that read it wrong but blaming a website that can't argue back is easier)_

_Alia Inverse: thank you so much. You understand exactly what I'm going for with this, ;)_

_I was considering making Yachirus shiki summon Pyramid head. But that's too stupid, even for me. (I guess my dream of a Pyramid head VS Kenpachi throw down will have to stay a dream. *Sigh*)_

"Ichigo?" Rukia asked slowly. Carefully moving behind him she reached out and put her hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry Ichigo isn't here right now. But if you'd like to leave a message, please start talking at the sound of the beep." The voice of Hollow Ichigo said as Ichigo turned around to show that his mask was covering his face completely. Suddenly lashing out he grabbed Rukia by the throat while laughing. "Beeeeeeep!" he said mockingly.

"Let her go. And we won't hurt you." Urahara ordered slowly. "Well not much anyway."

"You think you can hurt me?" the Hollow questioned, "That ugly hat must be choking your brain."

"If you look at who you are surrounded by, you must realise as well as you would do. You can't win." Rukia choked out as Isshin, Yoruichi and Tessai arrived.

"Hrrm maybe you're right. CATCH!" He yelled, throwing Rukia into the shop keeper and flash stepping off into the distance.

"Well. That's not good." Chad muttered, "We going after him?"

"Yep." Yachiru agreed just as a soul reaper arrived.

"I have a message for…. Who are you?" The messenger asked looking at Yachiru in confusion.

"Yachiru. From the future. Don't ask." Chad introduced shaking his head.

"Right. Well, I'm just going to plough straight through that if you don't mind." The messenger sighed, "Any way, we're marching on Aizens fortress because he kidnapped Renji. We want your help, all of you."

There was a long moment of silence.

"No." Everyone said at once.

"Wait what?" Messenger guy said confused.

"We're going to go find Ichigo and help him." Orihime said simply, getting nods from the rest of team Ichigo (and Yachiru. And Tatsuki, they basically count as part of the team by now so I'm just going to count them as joining Ichigo's little gang of weirdos.)

"I'm taking my daughter to Soul society and helping her adapt to the world of being dead." Isshin shrugged walking off with a still confused Yuzu to go find Karin.

"You banished us." Urahara said grinning. "So yeah sought your own problems out." He said, before passing Rukia a long metal rod with a jewel on the end.

"So if you want to help Ichigo, stab him with this and it should work." He explained simply.

"Work how?" Rukia said, remembering the last time she was involved in his plans and the fact it got Aizen to try and kill her a lot.

"Just trust me." Urahara replied smiling.

"I make it a point to never trust anyone who asks me to "Just trust" them." Yachiru replied, "And why were you carrying one of these rods anyway?"

"I was carrying two around actually." Urahara said before walking off.

"There are times that guy worries me." Uryu sighed.

"And we are wasting too much time! Come on, we need to go find Ichigo!" Chad said adamantly, running off in the direction that Hollow Ichigo had gone in. the rest of his friends following him.

"…. What just happened?" The messenger asked in confusion. Then a hollow popped up and ate him. And that's terrible.

*oooo*

Ten minutes later, Team Ichigo found Ichigos spiritual pressure inside of a warehouse.

"Why do you think he stopped?" Orihime asked nervously.

"Hard to say. Let's just be thankful for small mercies right?" Tatsuki said confidently.

"Hey Tatsuki? Can you please explain how you got dragged into the CNs?" Rukia asked suddenly, figuring that now was a better time then during a fight with Hollow Ichi… you know what? That takes too long to say. Let's just call him Hichigo.

"Well it's very simple." Tatsuki said nodding. "The leader showed up one day. Offered to give me powers and save Orihime. So I agreed."

"Save me? Save me how?" Orihime asked confused.

"Well don't tell anyone, but Aizen was having a brainstorming session with one of the few intelligent Espeada and they convinced him kidnapping you was a bad idea. Mostly because that person happens to be a Chaotic Neutral." Tatsuki explained grinning at the thought of Aizen excepting help from his foes.

"It's Harribel isn't it?" Chad asked.

"What? How did you? What?" Tatsuki asked shocked.

"You kept saying "They" so you didn't have to say "her" that gave it away." Chad explained with a small smirk.

Then a hell butterfly landed on Yachirus shoulder. "Oh hey, we're getting a letter from a reader!" she said cheerfully before getting the message. "Well o.k. Gundam Lord from…. The internet I guess, asks: _"Tatsuki is the Gunslinger... Why not a karate master?" _So Tatsuki? Why not?"

"Well I asked that too. But nobody knew how to give me "Karate powers" or what "Karate powers" actually means. So Quincy it was." Tatsuki said shrugging it off as unimportant.

"Don't Quincy's only get bows?" Rukia asked confused.

"Well we SHOULD" Uryu said looking peeved. "But she's breaking our hundreds of years of laws and rules!"

"So I should have less cool weapons because of you traditionalist idiots?" Tatsuki asked annoyed

"There is nothing cooler then a bow. Do you here? NOTHING!"

Are we quite done with Buffonery?" Yachiru asked frustrated.

"in an immediate or overall sense?" Rukia asked sniggering.

"Immediate. I have no illusions about the latter." Yachiru said sighing. "Come on lets attack the teenage version of my dead husband that's possessed by his evil side with: a monster from a book. Ice swords. Bows and guns that shoot lasers and…. Have you ever been half way through a sentence and can no longer believe what you are saying?" she asked bemused.

"Happens every time I describe an episode of this bloody show." Rukia muttered. "Right then. Attack!"

The group kicked the door down and stopped in shock at what they were seeing.

The entire room was painted in blood and at the centre of the room Hichigo was happily chopping apart the body of Zennosuke Kurumadani.

"I… I don't believe it." Orihime said in shock.

"I know." Rukia said quietly, "When did that soul reaper get here? I've never seen him before in my life."

"Me neither." The rest of the group replied.

"Come into my web said the spider to the fly." Hichigo said mockingly, standing up to smile at the gang. "Why how do you do boys and girls? Here to have some fun"

"No we've come to sae Ichigo. So let him go." Orihime ordered trying to sound threatening.

"Yeah right. The King doesn't even want to come out, he's just trying to find somewhere quiet to cry." Hichigo said laughing before grinning. "But if you guys want him so bad then maybe one of you girls can….. "Convince" me? How about it?" he said wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at Rukia.

"No. there is no way in hell any of us are so much as going to kiss you creep." Rukia said angrily, and then she noticed that Yachiru was blushing and looking at her feet. "Oh for the love of. You kissed the hollow?" Rukia said in disbelief.

"Well…. Err…" Yachiru said now bright red. "He looks kind of hot with long hair." She tried to explain.

"Long hair?" Tatsuki questioned. "What?"

"Oh." Orihime said, blushing as well. "you kissed that monster he turned into when fighting Ulquiorra?"

"Well. I…. it was kind of more then a kiss."

"I…. you….. Why?" Rukia moaned in horror. "Oh god now I'm picturing it."

This got a series of similar complaints from the rest of the group.

"Now I can't stop picturing it. Quick focus on something else, like my Brother!" Rukia said suggesting the first thing that came to mind.

"And now I'm picturing having sex with your brother in my super form! Nooo everything is ruined forever!" Hichigo said banging his head against the wall.

"Huh." Tatsuki, Orihime and Yachiru said, suddenly picturing it and not being that bothered by the idea.

"I hate my life." Uryu muttered. "Come on then Hollow! We shall do battle for the soul for my not friend just person that I want to help and hang out with a lot."

"Sigh." Hichigo said instead of actually sighing. "Bankai."

"Well then. Let's do this." Yachiru muttered as Hichigo started to attack the heroes.

Five minutes later.

"Oww." Yachiru muttered from the ground, the entire team had been taken down and Hichigo was busy bragging about it.

Then the left wall shattered and Transvestite Kenpachi dove into the room.

"Quick! We have little time!" he yelled, swinging his sword at Hichigo who only just dodged.

"Right." Afro Rukia agreed, shooting off an ice blast that distracted the Hollow long enough for Kenpachi to slash him across the chest.

"What the hell?" Hichigo managed before collapsing.

"Quick! We need to borrow a Seele Schneider." Afro Rukia said crouching next to Uryu.

"all right." Uryu said, knowing not to argue with Kenpachi in a dress. He handed them the weapon and they were about to leave when black tentacles started crashing through the roof.

"It's found us again!" Transvestite Kenpachi yelled and grabbed Rukia before they both vanished.

The tentacles paused before retracting and fading away into nothingness.

"I look damn good with an afro." Rukia said weekly.

"Shut up Rukia." Everyone said weekly back to her.

"Alright. Lets see what this does." Yachiru said as Rukia stabbed Hichigo in the chest with that glowing rod thing.

There was a flash of light and suddenly the group were standing on a sideways building that was being pelted with rain.

"Woah. Hey Ichigo told us about this place! We're in Ichigos mind world." Orihime said before noticing Zangetsu watching them.

"Hello." The sword said calmly holding an umbrella.

"err hi." Chad said back. "is it always this wet?"

""I hate rain. It rains here, too. When Ichigo is moody, it becomes cloudy. When he is sad, the rain comes down... I can't stand it. Can you understand? How horrible it is to get rained on when you are all alone in an empty world? In order to prevent that from happening... I lent him whatever power he needed! I won't let one drop of rain fall from that sky!" The sword said all in one breath.

"Are you like a crazy person?" Yachiru asked.

"I'm quite sure that they shall say so." Zangetsu said before turning around to point where Ichigo was sitting.

They quickly approached, Zangetsu rambling about rain and Orihime being the only one polite enough to listen. And saw that not only was Ichigo crying. Hichigo was poking him with a stick.

"Ichigo?" Uryu asked trying to get his attention.

"Yuzus dead" Ichigo whispered. "It's all my fault. I wasn't fast enough to stop that monster from killing my little sister."

"Huh? What you talking about? This is fanfiction Ichigo." Rukia said calmly. "Your sisters die all the time, everything's fine."

"What! How can you say that!"

"Stop me if this sounds familiar: one of your sisters dies and goes to soul society, joins the shinigami academy, becomes really talented in one particular area, seeing as it's Yuzu I'm guessing Kido. There's one student who hates her for either being related to you, being the class star, or maybe because they feel like she doesn't deserve it but in the end your sister graduates and immediately gets a really high rank in a division and falls in love with whoever the author thinks is the hottest at the moment, in a romance that comes off as kinda creepy because she's like ten. And if it was Karin then it is Toshiro simply because they once played football together that apparently equals true love."

"oh yeah." Ichigo said slowly. Then the rain stopped. "I'm being stupid, she's fine."

"Wait, that's it? This entire freaking chapter gets resolved in a short burst of mocking fanfiction writers and that's it?" Hichigo complained. "This sucks ass."

"Yep. Wait seeing as we're in Ichigos mind through complex and impossible machines, we should make an inception reference!" Orihime suggested.

"Good idea." Rukia agreed.

Everyone stood around trying to think of a way to change a line of the film to involve the word zanpakuto.

"Any ideas?" Chad asked after a few minutes.

"we get out a spinning top?" Hichigo suggested before being hit by a train that was driven by Senna yelling about intestinal worms.

"You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling." Ichigo smirked. "Right. Let's go fight Aizen."

"Cool. How do we get to Hueco Mundo?" Kon asked out of interest.

"Err." Ichigo said before sighing. "Well shit."

END CHAPTER 9

AN: well that got kind of strange at the end there. I'm not sure what I just wrote to be honest.

Spot the Questionable Content reference, win a cookie.

I honestly forgot that Kon was in this story until the end :P


	11. Battle cries and guitar solos

Chapter 10: Battle cries and guitar solos.

I know, I know, I need to get to the actual action. But this chapter occurred to me and I thought it would be fun. Which it is. And for the first time in a while: nobody with a name dies this chapter! Yay!

Reviews:

Nightkill: thank you. I appreciate it.

Vampire13Princess: What are they running from? Oh you'll find out. Bwahahaha ect ect. And yeah, there aren't enough original stories about the Twins. They all seem kind of cookie cutter don't they? And I have a nice day every time I read your reviews ;)

=]CN[=

Aizen stood at the highest window of the highest tower in his fortress, looking out at the massive block of black wearing figures heading towards him in the distance.

Calmly, he set down his tea cup and walked out to the courtyard where his army of Arrancar and Vasto Lorde stood waiting for him.

"Friends. Brothers and Sisters." Aizen began, smiling at the legion of monsters. "I have a dream."

"No!" Large amounts of people yelled at him.

"What is wrong now?" Aizen asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You don't quote Martian Luther King before starting a war. Especially if you're the bad guy." Grimmjow said shaking his head. "It's just tacky."

"Really? Well alright then. I'll start again I guess. Once, a long time ago I set out on a road. A path. A stairway. Yes I headed to a stairway that did not exist, to a location no man had ever been. And instead of despairing or giving up like most men, I simply decided to build a stairway to heaven." Aizen said, receiving a large amount of groans.

"Led Zeppelins worse." Grimmjow said face palming.

"Who's Led Zeppelin?" Aizen asked. Getting more groans. "Never mind. Look, stop derailing my train of thought. So I was building a-"

"NO!"

"…." Aizen sighed. "So I set out to stand at the top. And those who thought they knew me denounced my plan as wrong in their jealousy. They denounced me and set out to stop me. And they come now. In there thousands, because there tiny minds can not grasp the true form of my genius."

"Question." Grimmjow said raising his hand. "Is this supposed to be inspiring?"

"err. Yes." Aizen replied.

"Well it ain't. Move aside." Grimmjow said before walking up to Aizen and made shooing motions. "No really, off you go. I got this."

Aizen looked a little put out and walked a small way off to drink some more tea.

"Well alright then." Grimmjow smirked before grinning sadistically at the other hollows. "Alright listen up you knuckleheads! I'm only gonna say this once! We have got a lot of angry soul reapers coming up and they aim to kill us. But I'm not worried. They have Bankai users coming out the wazzo and I'm not worried. We're out numbered, and I am STILL looking forward to this! Know why? Because Soul Reapers are balancers. They live to save lives and protect souls. While us? We are engines of death and machines of destruction. We kill, crush, feast and murder every single day and this is little more then a free buffet!"

The crowd cheered and Grimmjow leapt straight up to land on the outside wall.

"So here we go my friends! We're gonna kill. We're gonna crush! **We're gonna feast! **WE'RE GONNA MURDER! We are the Hollows and we are Mushroom cloud laying Mother Fuckers, Mother Fucker!" Grimmjow smirked as the rest of the army joined him at looking over at their enemies. As one they raised there hands and charged their Ceros.

"He can quote Pulp Fiction and I can't quote a band?" Aizen asked disgruntled.

"Well he's more popular then you." Gin sniggered.

The army fired and caused a massive trench to form just in front of the Soul Reapers.

"First of you dumb reapers to cross the line is the first to die." Grimmjow shouted at the good guys, grabbing Miller Rose and kissing her as he did so. Why? Because. "You guys are nothing but a bunch of ghosts." He said before pulling out an electric guitar. "And I ain't afraid of you." He boasted.

"Oh please say he isn't going to." Zommari sighed.

"He totally is." Momo said patting him on the shoulder.

And that was the moment the entire of hueco mundo burst into song:

"**If there's something strange  
in your neighborhood  
Who you gonna call? - Ghostbusters!  
If there's something weird  
and it don't look good  
Who you gonna call? - Ghostbusters!**

I ain't afraid of no ghost  
I ain't afraid of no ghost"

"What?" Aizen asked in disbelief.

=]CN[=

"What?" Yamamoto asked in disbelief.

"It appears that the enemy is taunting us with the best song ever written." Unohana said, humming along with the music.

It's a little known fact that at some point, every character in bleach asks themselves whether or not they're the only sane person in the universe. Which is funny. Because they are all insane.

Yamamoto got his at this moment.

"Right. Well." He said, not sure what to say now things had become this stupid this quickly.

"Attention!" The Old man yelled, getting the amassed troops to pay attention to him. "For thousands of years the Soul society has stood. Protecting souls and crushing those who harm the innocent. Our sacred task is to save existence itself. And we have done so for a long time. And we have done it well!"

Rolling his shoulders Yamamoto shrugged off his cloak and raised his walking stick, letting it fade away to reveal his sword.

"Why did you do that?" Ukitake asked.

"Do what?" Yamamoto grunted, glancing at him in annoyance.

"Take your shirt off. No one really wanted to see that much of you to be honest." Ukitake said.

"Shut up." Was the only answer he gave.

"The first one to cross the live dies hrm?" Yamamoto asked before calmly walking across the craters. There was a pause before dozens of ceros launched themselves at him.

Without flinching the captain took them all to the, unfortunately bare, chest and looked at Ukitake.

"That's why. I like my shirt. Didn't want it to get blown up."

"You are a very scary man Sir." Ukitake said.

"Yes I know." Yamamoto agreed with a short laugh.

"They think they can kidnap and kill our men and get away with it. I think they just angered a sleeping dragon. A dragon that has now risen up to burn them to ash." Wordlessly Yamamoto released his sword, causing the blade to burst into bright flame.

"Charge."

The word was short and barely above a whisper, but it carried, and as one the Soul society did just that.

"Well then. Let's see where this takes us." Soi Fon said preparing to move out when Yumichika slammed into her.

"What the hell?" Soi Fon asked before noticing the 11th squad member had something written on his forehead.

**We're getting mared woman.**

Soi Fon blinked.

"What does mared mean you dumb ape?" Soi Fon yelled frustrated.

There was a pause before Ikkaku slammed into her.

**WE ARE GETTING MARRIED WOMAN.**

Soi Fon blinked again, before blushing slightly, fully aware that this was probably what happened when Kenpachi tried to be romantic.

"I hate him so much." Soi Fon muttered before kicking Ikkaku in the ribs, "get up and tell him I agree."

"YAY!" Yachiru yelled happily jumping over to her and latching onto her head in a tight hug. "You're mommy now!"

"ARGH get off. Get off me. Bloody child!" Soi Fon said, staggering around unable to see.

"Mommy. Mommy. Mommy." Yachiru started singing happily.

Meanwhile the second and eleventh divisions stood watching in confusion.

"This is going to work out well." Ikkaku said cheerfully.

"I hate you all." Omaeda muttered.

"OH GOD IT WON'T COME OFF. IT WON'T COME OFF!" Yumichika cried, desperately rubbing at the markings on his head.

"I hate him the most." Omaeda added.

After about ten minutes the charge managed to get back on track. And Byakuya smugly got to tell Soi Fon that he had told her that it was a bad idea.

=]CN[=

Meanwhile on the roof of that tower that Rukia fought Aaroniero in during the manga, the chaotic neutrals were watching the events.

"So. My moneys on the Soul Reapers." Dead Girl said casually.

"what? No way. Aizens got the fortifications and the home team advantage." Hot head protested.

"That's soccer. Not war." Killer rabbit pointed out quietly.

"Very true. However it is still fitting and correct my friend." The Leader said as she flash stepped onto the roof.

"Isn't your captain going to notice your missing?" Screw lose asked."

"No. too much is going on." The leader shook her head and looked at her friends.

"When I was young. My Daddy used to hurt me." The Leader began frowning. "He told me I was useless and I believed him. Which little girl doesn't believe their Father? But then one day, I got a visit from a male captain wearing women's clothing. And he told me to go to a certain spot at a certain day and to wear the eye patch he gave me. So I did, and I wore it and it stopped three men from noticing me when they discussed the plan to destroy Soul Society."

"Naturally I was scared. If they were traitors then how did I know who to trust? And the conclusion I came to was my captain. Kenpachi, because he was the one to reveal the traitors to me. And Yamamoto. If he was working with them then why would they need to keep it a secret? My Captian ignored me. Yamamoto refused to talk to me at all. But Kenpachi? He and I decided then and there that if he would travel in time and wear a dress to tell me this. Then it was worth fighting for. That was the day the Chaotic Neutrals were born."

The leader paused and for a moment was lost in memory before shaking herself out of it.

"While he slowly recruited you from outside the body of lies that is the soul society. I researched history to try and find clues on Aizens previous actions, leading me to Urahara and the amount of evil Yamamoto allowed and ordered. I wept and lost all belief when I realised it wasn't worth saving. And I was moments from simply joining Aizen as the lesser evil when I realised something. For every report of murdered Quincy's, there were twenty reports of Reapers that willingly went through the worst dangers to save others. And I saw the truth."

The Leader smiled and removed her hood; the normally blank look that lacked any expression was replaced by a wide smile as she beamed at her allies.

"I do not believe in soul society. I do not believe in their law. Or governments. Or soul kings. I believe in **people**! I believe in humanity! I believe in what this Anime has always run on: Friendship. Love. Fighting any evil no matter the cost. And standing up to anything that tries to stop you in over the top and physics defying fight scenes. I believe we can do this, and do it damn well, and while this world is not perfect. I believe that we can take one step closer this day." Nemu Kurotsuchi then bowed to her small force. "And I believe in you. So thank you my friends. Hope is the emotion that burs brighter then any fire and can pierce any illusion. So let us burn so very brightly. Because most of all: I believe in Ichigo Kurosaki. Wherever the hell that Strawberry idiot is!"

=]CN[=

Team Ichigo ran through the Dangai, heading for the battle. Or they would, if they were not really lost.

"Are we there yet?" Rukia asked for the fifteenth time.

"Shut UP Rukia!"

END CHAPTER 10

AN: I love writing this story, because I can be as over the top and stupid as I want. ^_^


	12. War! Huh! What is it good for!

Chapter 11: War! Huh! What is it good for?

Review answering time:

Vampire13Princess: oh I have plans for Afro Rukia. Don't you worry. And thanks, glad the whole Nemu thing went down well. I actually hinted that she was special the only time she turned up. (Replay value :D )

=]CN[=

The 13 court guard squads approached the walls of Aizens fortress. Kido and Ceros were exchanged between the two sides, the Hollows getting more kills, but were considerably outnumbered so every lose they took was a harder blow.

"There not slowing down sir." One of the hollows informed Aizen as the army was meters from there walls.

"Really? What the hell do they think they're gonna do against our massive fortifications?" Aizen asked, raising an eyebrow.

=]CN[=

"Komamura? Could you open the door for us?" Yamamoto asked politely.

"but of cause. BANKAI!" the giant wolf captain yelled, summoning a giant warrior which utterly demolished the wall with one strike.

=]CN[=

"Oh." Aizen said, unwillingly impressed. "Clever boys. Szzayel? Remember our plan for this situation?"

"I do indeed." Szzayel nodded, pulling out what looked like a nuke. "Shall I?"

"Please do." Aizen smirked.

Szzayel pressed a few buttons which caused the device to start beeping.

Then it went poof and turned to ash.

"Is that it?" Gin asked confused.

"No." Szzayel smiled and pointed to what looked like a rain cloud on the horizon. "That is. What I just built was a B-bomb. a bait bomb, using the most powerful hollow bait ever made the soul reapers now have a lot of normal hollows to contend with."

"You guys suck." Renji said from his floating prison ball. (I bet you forgot he was kidnapped right?) "And you're ugly. And your masks make you look stupid."

"Shut up Renji." Szzayel said sighing.

"Just trying to help out my side. You sucky, ugly, stupid looking people."

=]CN[=

"Sir? I don't know how to tell you this but now we're out numbered." Sasakibe said worriedly.

"hrm. Reinforcements." Yammamoto said sighing. "how many?"

"Somewhere between a million hollows. And all the hollows. Like, all the hollows ever. of all time."

"Well that's not a good thing." Yamamoto agreed. "Oi! Kenpachi!"

"Yo." Kenpachi replied.

"I want the 11th to go kill the hollows."

"All of them?" Kenpachi confirmed grinning

"All of them."

"Permission to arm my daughter?" Kenpachi asked cracking his knuckles.

"Permission granted. May the gods have mercy on us all." Yamamoto said regretfully as he watched the mob of violent lunatics run off to battle.

"Is that a good idea sir?" Sasakibe asked frowning. "They have no tactics or reinforcements."

"Sasakibe my friend. The eleventh is quite like a ballistic missile. You can't teach it tactics. You don't let children near it. You never invite it to dinner. And the only reason you have it is to point it in the general direction of something you want dead then get the hell out of the way."

=]CN[=

Squad 11, at this moment in time, had exactly 2583 members. (2584 if you counted Cthulu but nobody but Yachiru ever did)

The hollow horde, at this moment in time, numbered at one and a half million. The exact number is unknown because I lost count and they don't have a role call.

"So." Ikkaku said, looking at the enemy with anticipation. "We just kill and kill things until we are drenched in blood and to tired to stand up?"

"Yes." Yumichika agreed.

"Didn't we do that once this week already?"

"yes. But not on this scale." Kenpachi commented, pulling out Yachirus sword and handing it to her.

"Captain? Is that wise?" Ikkaku asked nervously. More then a million hollows? He smiles. Give Yachiru a sword? Scared as hell.

"Not in the slightest." Kenpachi grinned. "Attack!"

With a loud battle cry the division charged at the hollows and….. didn't stop charging really.

They just charged right into the front line of Menos. Started cutting, and then carried on moving forwards until they were in the centre of the hollows, whereupon they cut themselves a square and killed everything that came near them.

Yachiru riding Cthulu just roamed the crowd of monsters and started cutting everything they could reach.

"Now this is living!" Kenpachi grinned. Kicking a hollow under the chin so hard its brain flew out of its head, sailed through the air and gave another hollow a concussion.

=]CN[=

"i'm worried." Komamura said as he led his devision.

"how so sir?" Iba asked from beside him.

"Well the idea is that anyone can die. But the closest to proving this is the fact Yammy is dead. And that ain't much proth at all. Because Yammy sucks." Komamura explained.

"Ah I see. So you think someone's about to die for shock value?" Iba thought for a moment. "Crap. It's going to be one of us isn't it?"

"No." Matsumoto said to them. "neither of you are more important then Yammy was. And that says a lot don't it? While I on the other hand... oh crap." she whispered before a cero blew her head off.

"huh." Komamura and Iba said together.

=]CN[=

"Ha I just scored the biggest kill of the story!" Charlotte said before being grabbed by a very pissed off and not smiling Gin.

"I'm going to be out of the story for three chapters." Gin said his voice alone deadly. "Do you know why?"

"Err no Lord Ichimaru." Charlotte said scared beyond belief.

"i'm going to be tourchering you to death in the basement." Gin said starting to smile and yet still not looking like he was not finding anything funny.

=]CN[=

"well that's odd." _Unohana_ frowned after cutting down a hollow.

"What is?" Ukitake asked, pulling his swords from the chest of a hollow.

"look at who you just stabbed. And then who I stabbed." Unohana said, pointing to the fact it was the same strange looking man with what looked like a pink pumpkin for legs.

"Oh that? That's because the Espada named Zommari is fast enough to create after images." Ukitake explained walking over to her.

"how do you know that?" Unohana asked confused, right before she was stabbed through the shoulder by the white haired captain.

"because he hit my brain with one of those weird eye things and made me say it." Ukitake said as Zommari and Momo walked up to them.

"What the hell are you supposed to look like?" Unohana protested just before her arm was eye marked by Zommari.

"I am the pumpkin king!" Zommari proclaimed before making her arm slap her across the cheek. "Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself." he said grinning.

"What are you six years old?" Unohana said rolling her eyes. "Momo what are you doing with this moron?"

"What ISN'T she doing? **Whooo**!" Grimmjow yelled from the other side of the battle.

"Never mind. Don't tell me." Unohana decided.

"Ukitake? Be a dear and kill your friend." Zommari ordered, causing the captain to leap forwards and attack.

"Ukitake fight it!" Unohana pleaded, using kido to block the attacks and to hold him back.

"Or just distract her so I can do this." Zommari smirked, blurring behind the woman and eye marking her in the back of the head.

"Nice one sweetie. Now we don't have to kill them right? They always were so kind to me." Momo asked hopefully.

Zommari sighed. "fine. I promise I won't kill them." he said right before Toshiro appeared, grabbed Momo and flash stepped away. "Or err what just happened to my girlfriend?" he said confused. "Oh well. If I can't kill you. Then I order you two to beat on each other until you're almost dead but not quite."

And as much as they fought the brain control the two captains did so. And five minutes later were lying on the ground beaten and bloody.

"Another victory for the fantastic Aizen." Zommari cheered, before noticing a short soul reaper was kneeling between the captains. "Who the hell are you?" he demanded.

"Hanataro Yamada. Sir." the Forth division member said nervously, practically shaking with fear.

"why do you come before someone who could effortlessly kill you? You could stab me all day and never break my hierro." Zommari bragged laughing.

"I just want to save my Captains. Surly you understand loyalty?" Hanataro said, worrying if every word he said was going to be the one that got him killed.

"I know of such things. I had friends, family. Fellow Hollows that I cared for. But they're dead! There all dead!" Zommari yelled angrily. "You Shinigami slay us as if it were your birthright. you pass judgment on us as if led by providence. Under what grounds are you permitted to persecute us Hollows? Is it because we eat Humans? Yes, we eat Humans, but who gave you the right to protect them? You declare that we are evil and therefore kill us. You believe you offer justice, but this is nothing more than hubris. THAT CONCEIT... THAT PROUD FACE! The lot of you... THE LOT OF YOU...!" he ranted before realising that Hanataro was no longer in sight and that both captains were looking perfectly healthy again.

"Basic Soul Reaper knowledge 101: Hierro is a technique that causes the hollows skin to become stronger through spiritual pressure." Hanataro said from behind Zommari.

The espeada turned to look at him and felt like something was off about him.

"Fact two. While the skin is stronger, a hollows insides are not protected, meaning that if you are able to shove your hand down even the most powerful hollows throat, you could rip it's heart out." Hanataro continued, still nervous and still scared, trying to keep Zommari talking so he didn't get killed. "Only Capitan Kenpachi has ever done that without losing an arm."

"Ha! Good. I hope you killed the fools that could no longer wield a swo-" Zommari began but was interrupted by Hanataro flashstepping onto his shoulder and shoving his hand down Zommaris open mouth.

"Fact three. You talk too much." Hanatro said before crying out as Zommari simply bit down hard enough for the small healer to lose his right hand.

"What were you trying to do? Feed me?" Zommari laughed.

"Do you know who I am?" Hanataro said, cradling his wound.

"no and I don't care." Zommari said calmly.

"Nobody else does either. I can't fight. I can use flash step only once a day. I'm a nobody. I've never even used my shiki outside filler arcs."

"your Shiki?" Zommari asked, starting to feel slightly ill for some strange reason.

"yes. A small scalpel that delivers a blast equal to what I have recently healed." Hanataro smiled before pointing with his stump at the two captains that were awake, but still under Zommaris powers and unable to move. "I healed two people more powerful then you from the brink of death. Let's see how you deal with that."

"Bring it on. I AM ZOMMARI RUREAUX! 7TH ESPADA! I WILL NOT FALL TO YOU." Zommari screamed in anger. "Give it your best shot."

"Oh. You misunderstand me. You have my sword now. It's in your stomach." Hanataro smiled, "fill. Hisagomaru."

the small scalpel in Zommaris stomach glowed before exploding into a pillar of red light that vaporised Zommari before he even realised what had just happened.

"The Pumpkin king? Then just call me Charlie Brown. Bitch." Hanataro said before picking up his sword and using it to stop the bleeding at his wrist.

"Hanataro?" Unohanna asked quietly, somewhat in shock.

"Yes Miss?" Hanataro said shyly.

"I have to tell you, that this is the first time since I became a captain someone has honestly scared the crap out of me."

"ah it was nothing. A fluke." Hanataro said embarrassed as Isane walked up to help heal his injury.

"That was really badass." Isane said smiling at the boy, knowing he could do with some encouragement.

"Really it's not a big deal. Al I did was kill the..." Hanataro began before realizing exactly what he had just managed to do and fainted.

"I think we should let him sleep." Isane said fondly tussling his hair. As the others present nodded and left him in her hands and went to rejoin the battle, Hanataro woke up again.

"Err hi lieutenant."

"Hello." Isane said in reply.

"Err this is really dumb of me but seeing as I'm apparently having a day of impossibility here." Hanataro said nervously before he bolstered his courage and lent up to kiss the surprised female.

[Well this is a pretty good day. Even if I did lose my hand.] Hanataro thought happily. [and the best part?]

[I have a really cute boyfriend now] Isane thought to herself as she kissed Hanataro back.

END CHAPTER 11

AN: Go Hanataro! XD yes he's one of my fave characters and I decided to throw the little guy a bone.


	13. Omake 2: AU fiction

Omake 2: AU fiction.

I got bored and decided to crank this out to shut my imagination up.

Review answering time!

Vampire13Princess: You feel sorry for Charlotte? Really? He's almost as much as an abomination as Cthulu! so. I can inspire compassion for those I hate without meaning to. I don't know if that's encouraging or depressing.

Nelarun: thank you, thank you, thank you! I so much appreciate the kind words. (hugs A Nelarun.)

But now I did, I really want to write all of these ideas into real stories, ho, hum. I guess I'll add them to the list of stuff I want to write.

So the point I'm trying to make here is that we all know AU stories, hell I write AU stories, but we all (including me) do it the same way. The characters living in the real world so as to focus on the drama.

Which is good and all, but I have some other ideas.

=]CN[=

"Why are there pirates shooting at my ship!" Lt. Ichigo Kurosaki barked as another missile hit the deflector shields, causing the karakura to shake for a moment before straightening out.

"They dropped out of hyperspace 10 parsecs ago. Then they just opened fire on us." Rukia answered, pulling up a holo call to the engine room. "Kon! Status report!"

A hologram of an alien that looked like a large humanoid lion appeared on screen looking panicky. "We lost the main cannons, unless you want to pick at 'em with the peashooters we call turrets we ain't shooting back any time this rotation."

"Damn it all to Perexon-12!" Ichigo yelled, "Alright. Ramming speed."

"What." Rukia asked, looking away from the battle to stair at the young space pilot.

"Speed up and hit them with our ship. We're bigger then them, so we should survive." Ichigo said confidently.

"It's the "_should"_ that worries me." The ships medic, Orihime said walking onto the bridge.

"We're getting a message from the enemy ship!" Chad said quietly from the communications desk.

A larger holo call opened to show a very familiar alien grinning at them.

"Grimmjow. I thought I killed you." Ichigo said, getting over his shock quickly.

"Yeah? So did I for a moment back there." The Cat like space pirate grinned. "So here's the deal. You have no weapons worth a damn, nor are you fast enough to escape me. Surrender. Now!"

"Ha. No." Ichigo said before closing the screen. "Rukia?"

"Yes Captain?"

"I belive I ordered you to go to ramming speed?"

"Yes sir." Rukia said with a small grin.

=]CN[=

_Damn it Ichigo. Keep running._ Ichigo thought desperately as he ran across the rooftops.

There was a bang and a bullet flew past the young rebels ear, bringing him to a halt.

"Ah hell." Ichigo muttered, turning around and casually pulling off his sunglasses. "Any chance you just want directions to someone else?" He joked as ten figures wearing the same white suits approached him.

"That's funny." A male with black hair and green markings across his face said slowly. "Isn't that funny Starrk?"

"Hilarious." A male with shaggy brown hair agreed yawning.

"Starrk? THE, Starrk?" Ichigo asked, eyes widening, "I didn't think your boss would be upset enough to send the Espada after me."

"Yeah well you made the bed when you kidnapped Miss Odelschwanck." The only female present said. "Now you have to lie in it."

"Kidnapped nothing." Ichigo growled, "I saved her." He took a step backwards, closer to the roof edge. "Or is it just that Aizen can't accept that people don't like having there family threatened? Isn't that right Miss Harribel?"

The tanned woman flinched and pulled out a large white gun. "Say that again." She hissed.

"Emilou. Franceska. Cyan." Ichigo ticked off on his figures. "Aren't those the names of you're daughters Miss?"

"Tia." One of the espada, an old man, said quietly. "You know Aizen is giving them a better life."

"You heard of my dear friend Senbonzakura right?" Ichigo said before pulling out a photograph. "This is what he looks like."

The Espada all reacted in different ways, most trying to hide there shock.

"Heh. So yeah. Anyone who is here because they are scared for there children's lives? The guy who runs the facility where your children are "looked after" is part of the Seireitei underground and he saved the lot of them ten minutes ago." Ichigo said laughing at the way Starrk, Harribel, and surprisingly Nnoritia were now looking immensely relieved.

"Well I think that just changed the game a bit." Ichigo smiled, before pulling out his gun and firing.

=]CN[=

Our heroes walked into the throne room slowly, and looked at the towering figure who sat on the throne. He was tall and muscular with scars across his green face and an eyepatch covering his right eye, strangely his black hair was somehow kept in long spikes with what looked like bells braided into the ends.

"so you come to me to ask what of my people ?" the Troll king demanded.

"We are called the Ryoka. We are a travelling band of adventurers that-" Ichigo began but was cut off.

"I know who you are." The King said, spitting. "We here of the legendary Ryoka out here too you know." He said before pointing them out.

"The Human, royal knight who revealed that the kings advisor was actually, the death wizard Aizen." He said gesturing at Ichigo.

"The elven mage who is rumoured to be able to undo death itself." He said leering at Orihime.

"The very last stone golem. who brought down the Demonic Shreeker." He said, nodding with some respect to Chad. Who nodded back calmly.

"The Dwaven Princess. The fact that she's a dwarf and actually has some beauty is a feet in itself. But on top of that, she is an Ice elemental? Very impressive." He said, laughing at Rukia suddenly reacting very badly to having her race called ugly.

"And you I want to thank." King Kenpachi said to a surprised Uryu. "That freak Mayuri was a problem. I appreciate you ridding us of him."

"And so. You are all bearers of legend and myth, and you come here to my city to what I can only assume is requesting my peoples assistance in the war Aizen has started against you all?" The King said leaning forwards.

"Yeah. That's right. Trolls are the most savage fighters in existence. And if you help us we shall be willing to agree to a pact of none aggression." Ichigo said hopefully.

"Well while that is a nice offer. You must remember that us trolls love war. In fact we live for it." Kenpachi said standing up. "Also? We got a better offer."

"Too late again I see?" a man in black and red armour asked as he walked into the room. "such a shame."

"A blood knight?" Orihime asked in shock. "Then that means you never wanted to talk about peace."

"Very true." The blood knight Nnoritia said laughing as he pulled out a large weapon. "We simply wanted you in the best place for an ambush."

"Well crap." Ichigo sighed and drew his sword. "And I was having such a good day."

=]CN[=

"Mr. Kurosaki. What do you know about the Bankai project?" Urahara asked as the walked through the hallway.

"Huh?" Ichigo asked distracted, everything they passed was interesting or impossible. It was hard to pay attention to the strange man that had kidnapped him.

"The Bankai Project, Mr. Kurosaki. Please pay attention."

Ichigo sighed. "The Bankai project is like the Americans M.I.B or something. They don't exist but so many Urban legends revolve around it, there's always some who believe in it."

"Oh?" Urahara asked laughing slightly. "And do tell what kind of Urban legends are about them then? Huh?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Everything from U.F.O. sightings. Human experiments. Animal experiments. Being the real leaders of the country. the people who fight the hollows. The creators of the hollows. And the guys who decide who wins the Olympics."

"It's all true. Except the Olympics bit." Urahara said grinning. "We are the protectors of earth, we have tech you've never imagined, and we use it to kill the hollows."

"you made the hollows?" ichigo asked, suddenly looking furious.

"We did. And then one of our scientists hacked them and took control of the entire army." Urahara said sadly. "They we're meant to make the world better. An artificial life form that could work in the most dangerous conditions, weather the greatest disasters. And Aizen realised that the fact we made them almost indestructible meant that they would make good soldiers."

"my mother died because of you morons hiring some nutjob!" Ichigo yelled in anger.

"No she died because she was the only one of us that left the base to see her family." Urahara said before carrying on walking.

"Mom worked for you?" Ichigo asked in shock, following after him.

"No I worked for her. She was our best designer of human interface weapons." Urahara said, stopping next to a window.

Inside the room a girl with long orange hair was training. The strange part about her was that she had six metal orbs floating around her head.

"This is one of the weapons she built, code name: Shun Shun rikka. The person has chips implanted in their brain, making them able to manipulate the shun shun rikka like they were her own limbs. Neat huh?" Urahara grinned as three of the orbs suddenly flew out and created a large energy shield in front of the girl.

"huh." Ichigo said surprised, briefly smiling at the girl when she noticed him watching, which caused her to blush and look away.

"Of cause that isn't her greatest invention. Tell me? Have you ever seen a hollow die?" Urahara asked.

"Yeah. I saw the army kill a few when they attacked my home town" Ichigo said, clenching his fist at the memories of the day his mother died.

"Exactly. The hollows can walk through lava and radiation unhindered. You can run 'em over. Set them on fire. Make them explode. And they come back. But your mother made this." Urahara said pulling a sword from his walking stick.

"A metal called Zanpakutō. The only thing that can kill a Hollow other then pure energy blasts. It's hard to make, so we mostly use it in melee weapons rather then bullets." Urahara said before leading him into a room and pressing a button.

Out of the ground rose a nine foot tall body that looked demonic. It was pure white and had two large horns on its head as well as long flowing orange hair that reached it's waist. Next to it was a long but thin black bladed sword.

"This is Hollow Ichigo." Urahara said smirking. "your Mother made it. It is a hollow with no brain patterns and an immunity to even Zanpakutō."

"why would my mother name this ugly thing after me?" Ichigo asked offended.

"Because it can only be accessed by you. She built it so that when you were old enough you could use mind link technology to remotely control it and help win the war against Hollows."

"why me?" Ichigo asked after a moment of shocked silence.

Urahara put a hand on Ichigos shoulder. "Because you were the person she had the most faith in. I'm sorry to ask this of you. I truly am."

"Don't be." Ichigo smiled. "Ever since she died all I wanted was to be able to protect others from the monsters that killed them."

"Huh. So Masaki chose well after all." Urahara said smiling.

Xxxxxxxxxx

AN: what does this have to do with anything? It doesn't. I just felt like it. However I do encourage everyone to start writing stories set in space and thinly veiled middle earth ripoffs.

NEXT CHAPTER: a member of squad 11 dies!


	14. if i'm going down i'm going down good

Chapter 12: If I'm going down. Then I'm going down good.

Review answering time!

Nelarun: XD thank you, the kind words mean a lot to me.

Wheezerteebs: Thanks. No one ever sees my ideas coming. They're like ninja. Insane imaginary ninja!

vampire13princess: thanks, and yeah that was the response I was hoping for. I have a reason for everything I do! It's not that I'm killing my heroes off for giggles… ok I killed Matsumoto for no reason other then giggles but the point stands! (Also I gave a small reference to one of your fanfics inn this chapter. Why? Why not.)

Who else thinks that Gins release command should have been: "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." :D

=]CN[=

_If I'm going down  
Then I'm doing down good  
If I'm going down  
Then I'm going down clean  
If I'm going down  
Then I'm going down  
The prettiest broken girl you've ever seen  
If I'm going down  
Then I'm going down good  
If I'm going down  
Then I'm going down clean  
If I'm going down  
Then I'm going  
The prettiest wretched whore you've ever seen_

_Emilie Autumn- let the record show_

=]CN[=

"Why is this chapter starting with song lyrics?" Aizen asked.

"Because the author has a reason to think that it suits the events in this chapter." Tosen explained. "It's not rare at all, lot's of fanfic authors do it."

"Ah." Aizen said nodding in understanding. "So is the author calling the 11th squad member who dies this chapter, a female prostitute that wants more out of her life even if she has to die to get respect and happiness?"

"What?" Tosen asked slowly.

"That's what that songs about." Aizen explained.

"Oh No. not at all." He's just thick." Tosen shrugged. "Are you an Emilie Autumn fan Aizen?"

"Shut up Tosen."

=]CN[=

"I think we're losing." Ikkaku said after a moments reflection.

The 11th was still surrounded. They had taken more then five hundred casualties. And for every hollow they killed, there were still a hundred more making sarcastic insults about the fallen.

"Yeah." Yumichika agreed, hacking a spider like hollow apart. "Ugly filth. We're doing these things a favour."

"True. At least the Lieutenants having fun." Ikkaku said, smirking at the child like laughs that filled the air.

"that's the captain."

"Oh." Ikkaku said. "Well that's."

"Ungodly. Yes I know." Yumichika agreed before sighing. "The 11th is too important to die here and now. The Chaotic Neutrals aren't going to stand a chance without Kenpachi. He's the strongest member other then maybe Ichigo."

"I think the captain is stronger."

"So do I. I'm just not sure if Ichigo is part of Nemus deranged club or not."

"And pray tell what you suggest?" Kenpachi asked, fighting his way over to them.

"You guys retreat. I cover you." Yumichika said sadly.

"What? No!" Ikkaku said horrified at the suggestion.

"Someone has to do it. It's only one of us four that can. And I'm the weakest. It makes perfect sense."

"Just because it makes sense doesn't mean it's the right thing to do!" Ikkaku protested, "Captain, back me up."

Kenpachi looked at his fifth seat for a moment. "Are you sure you have thought this through?" he asked finally.

"Yes." Yumichika said with a small smile before he turned around and hugged Ikkaku. "I guess this is goodbye my old friend."

"No. No it's not." Ikkaku said adamantly, pushing his friend off him, "I'm not letting you do this because-"

Ikkaku was silenced as Yumichika hit him in the chest with enough kido to knock him out.

"Sorry Ikkaku. You were being unreasonable." Yumichika said with a small frown as Kenpachi slung the bold soul reaper over his shoulder.

"I don't like this either." Kenpachi said gruffly, before clapping Yumichika on the shoulder, "But you chose one hell of a way to die, ya know that?"

"yeah. I guess I did." Yumichika said, barely listening to Kenpachis orders for the entire division to retreat.

"goodbye. Ikkaku." Yumichika repeated quietly as Kenpachi and Cthulu unleashed enough damage in one area to let the 11th to get through the resulting gap.

"_So__we__are__to__die__here,__facing__millions__of__hollows,__in__order__to__save__our__friends?__"_ Ruri'iro Kujaku asked from inside his head as the hollows surrounded Yumichika, to the point not even the sky could be seen. After a moment the sword spirit started to laugh. _"__Trust__you__to__find__what__can__only__be__described__as__a__beautiful__death.__You__narcissistic__prat.__"_

Yumichika laughed as well. It had been too long since he had been the two had agreed on anything.

One of the hollows snarled and leapt forwards, its jaw wide enough to swallow him whole. Turning slightly, Yumichika swiped downwards and separated its left and right sides.

"Two million to one huh?" Yumichika whispered. "Do you think I'm afraid of that?" The roars of the hollows became deafening as they all seemed to charge at once, the soul reaper running to meet them and raising a hand to point forwards. "Hado 4. Byakurai!"

a blast of lightning flew from his finger tips and burnt through five hollows, killing them before they knew what was going on.

Yumichika smiled and leapt upwards, using flashstep he landed on a menos' shoulder and cleaved it's nose off it's head.

Grinning at the tower of a monster groaning in pain, he grabbed the nose from mid air and stabbed it in the eye with its own facial feature. Which combined with some quick kido, caused the now blind hollow to start rampaging and killing other hollows by mistake.

Smug at what he had just done. Yumichika didn't notice the flying hollows attack until he was lying on the ground bleeding.

Hissing with pain, the Soul reaper stood to his feet shakily and spat blood out of his mouth with a grimace. Blind siding. Such an ugly way to fight.

Yumichika gritted his teeth, he was dead, and he was so very dead. As much as he had acted earlier, that fact upset him.

Another, approximately two hundred, hollows were closing in on him and Yumichika growled in anger.

"DO YOU THINK I'M SCARED OF YOU!" Yumichika screamed defiantly, raising his spiritual pressure until he was glowing a bright green. "BANKAI!"

=]CN[=

Ikkaku woke up at the sensation of his best friends power levels going (over 9000!) to the point of a captains.

"Okay. Did anyone know that he had Bankai?" Ikkaku asked the crowd.

"If you didn't." Kenpachi said simply, watching what they could of the attack, which amounted to the occasional green flash of light over the heads of the hollows.

And then it cut out completely.

"What just happened?" Ikkaku said, unwilling to be the one to say it.

"Fruitcakes spiritual pressure is gone." Yachiru said starting to cry against Kenpachi's shoulder.

"Then he's hurt. We need to go get him." Ikkaku shouted, completely in denial he picked up his spear and started forwards.

"He's gone Ikkaku." Kenpachi said quietly. "No point dying for a corpse. Especially since he died to save you."

Ikkaku was silent for a period of time. His shoulders shaking with grief. Finally he opened his mouth and just screamed in rage and sadness.

"He's not dead." Ikkaku muttered. "He can't be dead." He paused and looked at the Arrancar that were fighting the other divisions. "I'm going to kill them. I'm going to kill all of them." He said horsely.

"I ain't stopping you." Kenpachi said as a messenger appeared.

"Sir. What seems to be an unlimited army of the same Hollow is pinning down squad three." The man said quickly.

"They're mine." Ikkaku said before flashstepping in that direction.

After a minute he stopped in front of the first opponent he met.

"Greetings. I am Choe Neng Poww." The hollow said calmly. "and I beat you in the Manga. I suggest that you retreat."

Ikkaku just looked at him. "BAAAANKIIIA!"

"Wait what?" Choe said before being sliced into pieces by the giant ass blades of Ryūmon Hōzukimaru.

"How the hell do you wield those things?" Aisslinger Wernarr asked in confusion. "they are obviously heavier then your entire body. And how does the big one float? None of this makes any sense at-" He was interrupted as Ikkaku cut him in half.

"Haven't got the time to play around here chump." Ikkaku said, before noticing a group of arrancar looking at him.

What they saw was a blood soaked and screaming figure who was wielding three blades that defied physics, and logic.

They ran.

Ikakku let them and found the horde of Exequias that were attacking the third squad.

"Now this is more like it." Ikkaku grinned before leaping forward to attack.

=]CN[=

"We're lost." Ichigo said sighing.

"What." Rukia asked. "How can we be lost? This thing is a straight line! By it's very definition. YOU CAN'T HAVE GOT US LOST."

"Then where are we? Ichigo demanded.

"I don't freaking know."

"Then we're lost."

"This is your fault." Rukia yelled, hitting Ichigo across the face.

"How exactly is it my fault? At what point did I start reading out the directions?" Ichigo yelled back.

"You're the leader! It's your job to make sure we aren't late for the final battle." Rukia ranted. "We're the main characters! And Yachiru, Kon, and Tatsuki. We can't be late."

"Hey!" Yachiru, Kon, and Tatsuki yelled.

"What? When was the last time you three won a major battle? Or fought a major battle? Or impacted the plot?" Rukia asked smugly.

"Shut up Rukia." The three grumbled.

"They are main characters in this story Rukia. Now shut up." Ichigo barked.

"You can't tell me what to do!" Rukia barked back.

"You said I was the leader!" Ichigo yelled. "You can't have it both ways you know. You can't have your cake AND eat it."

"Why not? If I have a cake I feel entitled to eat it. There's not much else you can do with a cake. Unless you hide in it. If you're a stripper." Rukia said grinning.

"Why were you looking at me when you said that?" Yachiru growled.

"Because you eat all the cakes. And you're a slut." Rukia said simply.

Yachiru's eyes widened in shock, "Hey Rukia, you know Orihime isn't pleased that I seem to be Ichigos love interest in this story either. But at least she isn't a bitch about it."

"Leave me out of this." Orihime imputed.

"I am **not** mad about that! You can have him. And good luck to you." Rukia said. "And further more, why the hell are you here? You haven't done anything important yet. You're just here to give background exposition."

"Are things always like this?" Tatsuki asked, raising an eyebrow as somehow Ichigo got drawn into shouting insults at both girls.

"Yes." Orihime said.

"Yes." Uryu said.

"No. Uryu hasn't said anything smug in ages." Chad said smirking.

This led to an argument between Chad and Uryu. While Orihime desperately tried to keep the peace.

"I can't believe I'm saying this. But I'm going to go talk to Kon." Tatsuki decided.

"So what bra size are you?" Kon asked immediately.

"Dear god I hate you all." Tatsuki groaned.

=]CN[=

"Akon! Where the hell have you been? I've been looking for you all day." Mayuri asked as Akon walked up to him.

"Sorry sir. I was… doing science." Akon said awkwardly.

"hrrm. Well yes. You are a scientist." Mayuri decided after a moment. "Find anything useful?"

"I am a scientist!" Akon repeated nodding.

"…" Mayuri said feeling a little weirded out. "Well o.k. then." He decided.

"I am a scientist!"

"Yes. Yes. That's nice." Mayuri agreed taking a step away from him.

"SCIENCE!" Akon yelled, pulling out his sword before stabbing Mayuri in the chest and running away while singing "Weird science."

"I err… what….you…he…what?" Mayuri asked dumbfounded.

"He missed." Nemu said from beside him.

"What?"

"He tried to kill you and didn't. ergo. He missed." Nemu said simply.

"Well it's so good to have you here to tell me these useless things Nemu. Whatever would I do without you?" Mayuri asked sarcastically.

"Probably the same as you do now, but no one would let the few people that they could escape from the hell you call your lab." Nemu muttered under her breath.

"What was that?" Mayuri barked.

"Probably the same as you do now, but no one would cause accents that let your subjects to escape from your lab." Nemu said immediately. "Master." She added.

"You're damn right." Mayuri grumbled.

=]CN[=

Akon grinned.

Or rather. Aaroniero grinned. His eating binge during the attack on soul society was really useful right now.

Aaroniero wondered who to go after next and transformed himself into Kaien Shiba.

"Captian look out!" Aaroniero yelled, leaping forwards to protect Ukitake from an attack.

"Kaien?" Ukitake said in wonder, "Here?"

"Yeah it's me." Aaroniero said smiling "It's good to see you again Sir."

"Actually, Kaien is dead. I saw him die." Ukitake said. "And I have also read the manga."

"Oh crap." Aaroniero whispered in horror.

"So what I think is that if one of my subordinates can kill you. Then so can i." Ukitake said calmly. "All Waves, Rise now and Become my Shield, Lightning, Strike now and Become my Blade!"

"I explicitly told him NOT to be a dumb ass." Aizen sighed.

END CHAPTER 12

AN: In hindsight if I wanted an Emilie Autumn song with only borderline relevance to Yumichika. I should have used "Thank god that I'm pretty." It doesn't fit him either. but it makes more sense.


	15. Does ANYTHING actually make sense?

Chapter 13: Does ANYTHING actually make sense?

Review answer time!

Vampire13Princess and Nelarun: yes I'm answering two at once, it's not my fault you too had such similar things to say! (seriously, read the other girls review you two. It's uncanny.) I killed Yumi epically because he's the first person I've killed to be in my top fave characters and so I really did want to send the fruitcake off. (yes calling him that was the reference, if I made too big of a reference no one else would have got it V13P) thanks you two I'm happy you both liked the scene with team Ichigo.

And yes, the Forth wall. When I sat down to write this story, I had a simple goal. To mock plotholes. And for that I needed no forth wall. And I figured that this would make everyone more sarcastic because if you know you're a manga character then you stop taking life seriously :P

STORY TIME YAY!

Szayel was suddenly having a very good day.

That... monster, the unspeakable horror that had done unspeakable things to him was being killed up by Gin.

And that was enough to make him happy.

Yep. It was all going to be good forever for good old Szayel Aporro Granz.

Right?

LOL no.

=]CN[=

"So. I been thinking." Orihime spoke up.

"I've had nightmares that start with that sentence." Rukia said. "But do go on anyway." 

"I think the team needs a theme tune, and a battle cry." 

"We have a theme song." Ichigo sighed. "What kind of battle cry?"

"Something like: you're about to get taken down Team Ichigo style!" Kon suggested.

"It's o.k. Not great, but o.k." Chad replied shaking his head. "How about: victory goes to the heroes!"

"Too vain." Tatsuki sighed. "look just cut to a different scene O.k.? We'll think of something."

=]CN[=

"wow. Wats goin ons?" Nel asked as she waddled up to watch the battle with her friends.

"It's looking like a war Don'tcha know?" Dondochakka said looking around nervously.

"BWAAA!" Bawabwa err Bwaaed... I guess.

"The giant worm raises an excellent point." Pesche said nodding. "We don't have any reason to get involved here."

"You guys awe wight." Nel agreed. "We downt wanna get hurt."

"The hell are you?" Szayel asked walking over to the group.

"I'm Nel!" Nel said, trying to look mean. And failing.

"Nel?" Szayel asked, raising an eyebrow. "I thought i'd killed you. No matter." He said before raising his sword.

"GET OUT THE WAY PLEASE!" came a loud yell as Hanataro flew past and slammed into Szayel. Knocking him backwords and causing his sword to slash Nel across the head.

"What on earth?" Szayel demanded before seeing Momo running at them.

"YOU KILLED MY BOYFRIEND YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Momo yeled, shooting fireballs at the forth squad member.

"And you are trying to kill mine." Isane said calmly before punching Momo in the face.

"Ooh. Cat fight." Szayel said, sitting down to watch.

"Huh." Hanataro said, sitting down next to the espada. "The tall ones my girlfriend."

"Oh yeah? Nice going short stuff." Szayel said casualy.

"BWAAA!"

"the giant worm raises an excellent point. Mistress Nel is still bleeding Don'tcha know?" Dondochakka said worriedly.

"Huh? Oh alright sorry for not noticing." Hanataro said before walking up to the child and started using healing spells. "Hey it looks like you're mask is cracked as well." he said frowning. "One sec."

the mask healed.

There was a poof of pink smoke.

And when it cleared...

Nelliel Tu Odelschwanck was back.

Hanataro got a nose bleed and fainted.

Nelliel walked up to the cat fight.

And Bitchslapped Momo so hard she went flying off into the distance.

"oops." Nelliel said, not sounding at all like it was an accident.

"Wait what?" Szayel said slowly. "How does that work?"

"Well you see the injury caused my spiritual pressure to become forced inside me. Which turned me into a child."

"No it didn't." Szael said immediately. "Because that doesn't make any sense. how can having more of something inside you make you smaller? It would be like a food that if you eat loads of it, you become thinner. That's why Menos are giant. Because they need the space for there powers."

"So explain vasto lorde." Nelliel said smugly.

"Err." Szayel frowned.

Isane frowned. "He's right. Hollows make no sense whatsoever. Like why is your ex boyfriends hole in his head? Is that where his heart is? And How is that not effecting his brain?"

"He was never my Boyfriend. Shut up." Nelliel muttered blushing.

"Nope. You know what? I can only accept so many Impossible things in one day. I'm going to go do something else before I think about this too much. Peace out y'all."

"Who says peace out anymore?" Dondochakka asked.

"Yeah I know." Isane agreed.

"BWAAA!"

"Yeah I know right?" Isane agreed. "The giant worm makes an excellent point."

"Yes I thought so too." Nelliel nodded.

"funny too." Pesche smiled.

And they all shared a big laugh.

=]CN[=

Szayel frowned as the spiritual pressure of a captain approached. "What are you?" he asked calmly.

"I am Sajin Komamura. Capitan of squad 7."

"Not who. I don't give a damn who you are. I said WHAT are you?" Szayel demanded. "You're a humanoid fox! How? Why? What?" He spluttered. "What are you."

"You know, no one's ever asked me that before." Sajin said calmly.

"You're kidding right?" Szayel groaned.

"Oh no. no one seems to be brave enough to bring the subject up with me."

"So. I'm asking. What are you?"

"Err. I don't know." Sajin answered shrugging.

"what?" Szayel said flatly.

"No one remembers the day they were born. My first memories were I was around five or so, and no other wolf headed people were around then." Sajin explained smiling good naturedly.

"You're a WOLF!" Szayel yelled, finally snapping. "A Wolf! How? Do animals go to soul society? Did your mom love the family pet? An experiment? You're a different species that rarely has anyone strong enough to be a soul reaper? WHAT ARE YOU!" he screamed, pulling his hair in frustration.

"One of the good guys." Sajin answered pulling out his sword, "And you know something about Bleach? The good guys NEVER die! It's ridiculous, we can take injuries worse then what killed Grimmjow (the most popular bad guy in the story) and be back to fighting in two chapters. Probably stronger somehow. And as nice as it is to know my friends are almost immortal, does anyone else feel there is no risk in the fights any more?"

"I know! I was reading the manga and when a hollow told Kira: "I'm going to kill you!" I was like as if." Szayel agreed. "If he had said: "I'm going to injure you badly and put you out of the fighting for the rest of the arc, after which you will be fine again." I'd be like My god! He actually means it!"

"So i've already won." Sajin said calmly.

"Huh? Oh yeah sure. Tell that to Yumichkia." Szayel sniggered.

"What? oh." Sajin muttered. "This story is all wrong. It's just madness."

"Madness?" Szayel grinned. "THIS. IS! **FANFICTION****!****"** he yelled before ceroing Sajin in the chest. Causing him to fall don a large well that suddenly appeared out of no where.

"And I am pretty good at madness." He added smiling.

"Hey! You can't kill my captain and get away with it." Iba protested.

Szayel just looked at him.

50 seconds later.

"ARGH!" Iba yelled as he was torn in half.

"Alright. That does it. I am not dealing with anything else impossible today." Szayel decided before noticing something hovering in mid air. "Huh. Look at that. Its a crack in the sky. and it plays music." he said cheerfully. "Any other day? I'd stay around to figure that one out. But not today, I wash my hands of you little crack. There's only so much I can take." he smiled before turning to walk away.

"It's a good song though. How does I go again?"Szayel asked himself. "Ah that's right, something like: "now you feel like number one! Shining bright for everyone!" he sang to himself before pausing as the realisation kicked in.

"Oh fuckberries." he sighed.

The sky itself shattered.

**Woaahaooo**

**woahaaooo**

**yeah yeah yeah**

**If you wanna see some action  
Gotta be the centre of attraction  
Make sure that they got their eyes on you, like the face that you see on every magazine**

"ah hell yeah!" Ichgio yelled, leaping from the portal and landing in the centre of the battle field. "We're back Bitches! Who missed us?" 

**Be the focus of attention  
Be the name that every one must mention  
Come out from the shadows, it's your time, cos tonight is the night for everyone to see**

the rest of Team Ichigo jumped down to join him and looked around, as one they noticed Szayel and grinned.

**It's natural  
You know that this is where you gotta be, it must be your destiny  
Sensational  
And you believe that, this is what you've waited for and it's you that they all adore, so baby**

leaping forwards they started to attack Szayel at the same time, having eight of them meant that every time the pink haired scientist tried to counter an attack, at least four of the others were in a position to let them attack him where he wasn't expecting it.

It only took a few minutes. Tatsuki was the one to finish him off via a shotgun blast to the head.

Ichigo just smirked.

**Now you feel like number one  
Shining bright for everyone  
Living out your fantasy, the  
Brightest star for all to see  
Now you feel like number one  
Shining bright for everyone  
Living out your fantasy, you're the  
Brightest star there's ever been**

"Now Rukia. I'm embarrassed. See we turned up to the final battle. And Team Ichigo is missing two members." Ichigo said casually.

"Oh dear." Rukia said. Making a big deal of pretending to be concerned. "Whatever shall we do?"

"Oh oh! I know! Lets get our friends here." Orihime grinned.

"Good idea." Ichigo smiled before pulling on his hollow mask and leaping straight up into the air.

"GETSUGA TENSHO!"

**Feel the heat that's all around you  
Flashing lights and ecstasy surround you  
Everybody wants a piece of you; you're the queen of the scene, living in a dream**

the blast of blue energy flew past the entire battle and slammed into the ground next to where Aizen was sitting.

"Ha! He missed me." Aizen laughed.

"no he didn't." Nelliel smirked as she leapt into the room and pointed out the wreckage of Renjis prison.

"Oh hell." Aizen groaned as the green haired woman grabbed Renji and blurred, reappearing next to Ichigo and the gang.

"hey." Renji smiled. "thanks for the save."

"no problem man." Ichigo grinned. "And now we're a full team again. All ten of us."

**It's****natural  
You****know****that****this****is****where****you****gotta****be,****it****must****be****your****destiny  
Sensational  
And****you****believe****that,****this****is****what****you've****waited****for****and****it's****you****that****they****all****adore**.

"Team Ichigo ultimate attack: number one!" Ichigo yelled. "now Bankai! **Tensa****Zangetsu!**" a blast of light flared up and revealed Ichigo, now in his pimp coat and holding his smaller sword

"Banaki!" Renji cried. "Hiho Zabimaru!" a swirl of smoke bloomed out to become a long snake made of bone that roared in anger.

"Bankai!" Yachiru cheered, "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" once again the sky exploded to allow Cthulu to climb into the world.

"Declare! Gamuza!" Nelliel smiled as she exploded with energy and became a centaur holding a long lance.

"Dance. Sode no shirayuki." Rukia whispered, her sword becoming white with a long ribbon coming out of the back of it.

"You guys ready?" Orihime asked as the six fairies burst out of her hair pins and flew around her.

"I am the last of my kind." Kon said, before stomping on the ground so hard it shattered beneath his foot. "There is a reason for that."

"Abuelo." Chad said quietly as his arms became covered in a pair of large armours. "Lend me strength."

"Let's do this." Tatsuki grinned, pulling out her bazooka and resting it on her shoulder.

"You're all idiot's." Uryu muttered, empowering his Ginrei Kojaku. "but you are my kind of idiots."

"So guys? Remember the battle cry we decided on in the end?" Ichigo asked smiling.

**Now you feel like number one  
Shining bright for everyone  
Living out your fantasy, the  
Brightest star for all to see**

"TEN HEARTS BEAT AS ONE!" The gang shouted just as Aizen flash stepped twenty meters front of them.

**This is what you've waited for and it's you that they all adore**

Now you feel like number one  
Shining bright for everyone  
Living out your fantasy, the  
Brightest star for all to see  
Now you feel like number one  
Shining bright for everyone  
Living out your fantasy, you're the  
Brightest star there's ever been

Ichigo grinned and fired off a black moonfang, at the same moment Uryu fired 1'200 arrows.

Getting the idea, Renji fired a hikotsu taiho from his snake, Rukia fired a Tsugi no mi hakuren, Tatsuki fired her bazooka, Chad fired an El Directo, Nelliel fired a cero, Orihime fired Tsubaki using koten zanshun, Kon kicked a massive bolder so hard it flew like a giant rocky bullet, and Yachiru made a giant face out of her spiritual pressure and launched it after the rest of the attacks.

As you can imagine, that caused quite a big explosion.

"was that overkill?" Orihime asked.

"If you're going to kill someone. Might as well kill them a whole lot." Yachiru smiled.

"He's so not dead." Ichigo muttered.

"correct." Aizen said stumbling out of the smoke. "how did I just get hurt by ten of the biggest morons ever."

"That's a little more then hurt." Rukia pointed out. "We blew your freaking arm off!"

indeed, there was now a stump where Aizens left shoulder used to be.

"Ah. I only just noticed that." Aizen muttered. "You know what? I need to go... do a thing. Away from you people." he decided. Before turning around and hurrying away.

"We just made Aizen run like a bitch." Renji smiled.

"We are awesome!" Nelliel agreed.

"Damn right we did!" Kon cheered.

"Peace and justice will prevail." Tosen said.

"We can move on to..." Ichigo paused. "wait Tosen?"

"Bankai. Suzumushi tsuishiki enma korogi." Tosen said, just before the giant black dome captured all ten of them inside it.

"well shit." Rukia said. If the others were able to hear her, they would have agreed.

END CHAPTER 13

AN: "the giant worm raises an excellent point" I have got to turn that into a catchphrase.


	16. The hoods come off

Chapter 14: The Hoods come off.

Bwahahahahaaa I'm in a happy mood. Because this is a chapter I wanted for a long time now.

Also? Watched the second bleach movie yesterday. And talk about fuel for the freaking fire! Central 46 are evil as hell! "Oh yes? Some children are breaking tradition? GLADIATOR STYLE FIGHT TO THE DEATH! That will solve everything." I just started humming the arena music from star trek and hoped that the insane laughing manic won.

Also watched "the nightmare before Christmas" for the first time and thought damn it I wish I hadn't killed Zommari off! I wanted to make a pumpkin king reference! Well a different pumpkin king reference to the one I did make.

Done ranting now.

Review answer time!

CrossoverxToxThexDarkxSide: thank you, very kind.

Vampire13princess: "and Aizen's left arm" lol this is why I love you. As for resurrections? Not on the plan cards. Sorry I hate keeping them dead too :(. (o.k. That's a complete lie. I find it funny as hell.)

wheezerteebs: thank you I'm glad you liked it. I thought the 300 reference was too much at first but now I'm glad I stuck with it.

Emoemu-san: role model? Me? I'm really touched. As you wish for more, so it shall be.* Bows*

Nelarun: you are very much welcome my friend. When all you have is a hammer... it's hammer time I guess.

Seliphra: Oh yeah I forgot I had promised that back at chapter one. Yep anything including things not at all bleach. (Of cause if I don't know the show/book/whatever/ you ask for then there will be obvious problems, lol.) And you don't want to be kissed By Grimmjow? Well then I guess you proved me wrong. **And dear God with the corrections!** I don't know how to feel. Either I'm touched that you care about this story enough to go to that much trouble to correct me. Or I'm annoyed that I made so many mistakes. (you have no idea how hard it is making a joke about that without it coming across as really insulting :P ) Do you want to be my Beta reader or something?

Nightkill: thanks. Kenpachi with Bankai eh?... nah.

=]CN[=

as Tosens Bankai faded, Team Ichigo hit the ground bleeding.

"Ow. Is anyone still able to stand up?" Ichigo moaned quietly.

"Doesn't look like it." Nelliel muttered. "this isn't fair. This is only the second chapter I've been in. they can't kill me so soon."

"thanks for this Ichigo." Rukia said.

"What, why would you blame me?"

"So that it isn't me who IS blamed."

"Look. Playing the blame game won't help anything." Renji said loudly.

"Oh but one quick round can't hurt. Watch: it's Ichigo fault. I win!" Rukia sniggered.

"Shut up Rukia."

"Can you guys ALL shut up?" Tosen barked.

"They can." Orihime nodded. "It ain't likely though."

"So you know something? I'm starting to think you guys aren't taking this whole "we're about to die" thing seriously." Uryu imputed.

"NO?" Ichigo asked faking shock.

"Do you think so?" Rukia agreed.

"All our times have come." Orihime said calmly.

"Here but now they're gone" Tatsuki imputed

"Seasons don't fear the reaper" Kon told him.

"Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain..we can be like they are" Nelliel giggled.

"Come on baby...don't fear the reaper" Chad muttered.

"Baby take my hand...don't fear the reaper" Yachiru, Rukia and Ichigo started to sing together loudly.

"We'll be able to fly...don't fear the reaper" The others joined in. 

"Baby I'm your man..." Renji finished grinning.

"I hate you all." Uryu groaned.

"That's it. I've had it with you morons." Tosen yelled before leaping into the air. "Suzumushi Nishiki: Benihikō

"Oh crap." Ichigo said as hundreds of blades flew towards them. "I believe we're royally screwed."

"Nope. I got this." Orihime smiled.

"So yeah. We're screwed." Rukia muttered.

"Six flowers into one! I reject!" Orihime yelled as the blades were seconds from hitting them.

There was a flash of orange light... and suddenly everything was better.

A giant orange shield had blocked the attacks.

A second shield had healed the gang completely.

And Tosen was now lacking a bottom half.

"But….. but how?" Tosen groaned, collapsing to the ground, and then he whispered the name "rosebud." and died.

"deus ex machina. Bitch." Orihime grinned. "Also? Shut up Rukia."

"Yes Miss. shutting up." Rukia said quietly.

"So Aizen? Feeling nervous?" Gin asked, walking back into the story while casually carrying half of a certain hideous hollow with him.

"Why would I do that? My espada are..."

"Starrk is missing an arm. Barragan is gone. Harribel is... Does anyone know where Harribel went? Zommari is dead. Szayel is dead. Aaroniero is..." Gin glanced and saw a blood soaked Ukitake whistling cheerfully. "Dead too it seems. And so are Yammy and Tosen. You're screwed."

"Don't you mean we?" Aizen asked raising an eyebrow.

"Lol no." Gin said cheerfully, and waited for a few seconds for the first distraction, which happened to be a Menos exploding from so much kido hitting it at once and flash stepped away.

Gin landed on the tower with the rest of the chaotic neutrals. If you are surprised by this then you don't know Gin very well do you?

"Oh Harribel my dear. I was wondering where you were." Gin smiled at the Blond woman and her fraction, who were talking to Boom-Boom.

"Ever call me that again and I will break you." Harribel said, keeping her back to him.

"Yes yes. Fine" Gin muttered, "Where's Nemu?"

"Over there. Being creepy." Harribel shrugged and pointed to where Nemu was sitting away from everyone else.

"What's creepy about that?"

"She's giggling." Harribel said, getting a look from Gin she shook her head. "You've never seen her giggle. It's just all types of weird."

"Whatever." Gin said before sitting down next to Nemu, who was indeed giggling. And it was indeed very unsettling, it was like watching Aizen sing a number from how do you solve a problem like Maria. while naked.

"Hey there oh fearless leader. What's funny?" Gin asked, draping an arm over her shoulder.

"It's time. It's time! It's Tiiiiime!" Nemu sang happily before going into a mess of giggles. "Everyone? Let's do this." She grinned, jumping to her feet and pulling her hood back over her head.

"Hell it's about damn time." Bricks nodded.

As one they flash stepped straight into the middle of the battle and bowed to Yamamoto.

"Greetings. We're the Chaotic Neutrals. We want Aizen dead as much as you do, so would you like our help? Out of mutual respect of cause." Nemu offered, lying through her teeth.

"Herrm. Why are you wearing hoods?" The old captain asked frowning.

"Just our style. We'll take them off in an overly dramatic fashion if you so wish." Nemu offered.

"Well if you would. It'd be nice." Yamamoto nodded. "Err what are Gin and what appears to be four of Aizens hollows doing with you?"

"Oh they betrayed him and joined me." Nemu said dismissively. (privately thinking that she should have remembered to give them cloaks.) "Anyway. Guys and Girls? Pick a hollow."

"Right!" The Chaotic Neutrals agreed before heading off.

=]CN[=

"Greetings. My name is Whack-job." The man in the grey hood said calmly.

"What a stupid name. I'm Luppie." Said the hollow as she... no wait apparently that's a guy. Not sure if I believe it but anyway, HE drew his sword.

"I used to be the captain of Squad 11. but then I fell in love and wanted to leave, so a man named Kenpachi helped me fake my death and go to the human world."

"I don't care." Luppie growled.

"Fine with me. My true name? Isshin Kurosaki. I'm afraid I'm going to kill you." Isshin declared, pulling out his sword and pulled his hood down.

"Pha as if! I could be the 6th Espada if there wasn't someone in my place." Luppie boasted as he attacked with his tentacles.

Isshin fell back to dodge. "So you're 7th right?"

"Huh? no."

"Wait so you have to be stronger then whoever was in 7th place to qualify as number six right? So why weren't you number seven? It makes no sense." Isshin protested.

"I... but. Wait." Luppie was so confused he didn't remember to block and got his head cut off by Isshin.

"That's what I thought." Isshin said smugly.

=]CN[=

"Hi Ikkaku." Dead girl said cheerfully.

"Huh? Dead girl? What you doing here?" Ikkaku protested as he continued fighting the Exequias.

"Here to help."

"Don't want it." Ikkaku scowled.

"Wasn't asking permission." She giggled before pulling out a sword. "Bring them to the twilight! Miro-" She was cut off by a Exequia taking advantage of all her spinning and talking. by stabbing her in the chest. Repeatedly.

"Didn't see that coming." Senna whispered before collapsing to the ground dead.

"Well that was anti climatic." Came the voice of Senna.

"Disappointing." The same voice responded.

"Vexing."

"Embarrassing."

"Shameful."

"Should we try again?"

"Yes."

"Indeed."

"Proceed."

"I shall."

"You?"

"No i wanted her to lead."

"Are you sure?"

"Not really."

"Wait. What the flying-fuck-cakes?" Ikkaku asked as he turned around to see thousands of Sennas around him. All of them bickering.

"Bring them to the Twilight! Mirokumaru!" They all said at once, their swords turning into long golden spears.

One massive amount of tornados latter and the hollows were dead.

"Victory."

"Succesess."

"The battle is ours."

"we are the greatest."

"Indeed."

"Yes."

"I thought so."

"Quite."

"What the hell?" Ikkaku asked before grabbing the closest Senna. "Explain this. Now."

"Well it's simple."

"easy to explain."

"not at all difficult."

"Won't take five minutes."

"Shut up!" Ikkaku yelled. "You." he growled at the one he had grabbed. "Talk. The rest of you shut up."

"Well that's rude."

"sour."

"grumpy."

"Unplesent."

"SHUT UP!" Ikkaku yelled. If he had any hair he'd be tearing it out.

"Remember when i died? I gave my memories to the blanks?" Senna said calmly.

"yeah i do."

"Well i changed my mind and gave every single blank a copy of every memory. Which included my personality. So now there is more then enough Senna to go around." Senna smiled.

"enough for a town." another Senna imputed.

"Or a city."

"Maybe an island."

"Ooh we'd be a small but powerful nation."

"Our national anthem would be: army of me!"

And all the Sennas burst into song:

"You're on your own now  
We won't save you  
Your rescue squad  
Is too exhausted

And if you complain once more  
You'll meet an army of me."

"And now i envy Yumichika." Ikkaku muttered.

=]CN[=

Cirucci paused.

"What is the point in me being in this story? I'm not doing anything important." She protested scowling.

"Hi." Killer Rabbit said from behind her.

"Yo." Hot head added.

"Oh. So i have to beat up two short people in dressing gowns? Ok i can do that." Cirucci decided before being hit over the head by a giant mallet.

"I'm Jinta by the way." Hot head introduced, "And Killer Rabbit is Ururu."

"No fair Jinta. I wanted to introduce myself." Ururu protested quietly.

"So? You think i care? you cockroach!" Jinta yelled at her.

"Err are you here to fight me or bicker?" Cirucci protested scowling.

"Actually, would you mind if we just bicker?" Jinta asked.

"Sure, what do I care right."

"Well o.k." Ururu smiled before turning to Jinta "you're still not aloud to take the moment away from me Jinta. I had a plan to introduce myself. It had fire and a rabbit."

"A flaming rabbit?" Jinta said disturbed.

"What! No. what's wrong with you?" Ururu groaned.

"What sweet kids." Cirucci thought to herself before running into another two Chaotic Neutrals. "Oh you got to be kidding me." She muttered.

"Nope." Boom-Boom grinned, "Names Kukaku Shiba." She greeted, pulling out a large firework and idly spinning it on her finger.

"And I'm her Brother Ganju." Bricks agreed.

"That's terrific, I'm so happy to- I DON'T CARE." Cirucci snapped. "Let's just fight o.k.?"

"Kay." Kukaku grinned before throwing a bomb at her feet which exploded into a thick black cloud of smoke.

"Is this supposed to kill me? Seriously?" Cirucci yelled as she was only slightly scratched.

"No. It's a diversion." Kukaku shrugged.

"From what?" Cirucci said raising an eyebrow.

"ME! Turn to sand, Seppa!" Ganju yelled, waving his hand in the air.

And Ciruccis head turned to sand and blew away in the wind.

"Yeah i can instant-kill anything i look at for too long." Ganju said casually. "I call it the Fuck you button."

"So why didn't you do that in the soul sociaty arc?" Kukaku asked after a moments pause.

"I don't know." Ganju answered.

"And how did you get that power? Is it a shiki? Can all Shiba do it?" Kukaku continued.

"I don't know!"

"And how come you're not part of team Ichigo?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Ganju yelled, finally breaking down and crying.

=]CN[=

"My team is great." Nemu commented. "Screw-Lose! You're up!"

"Outstanding." Screw-Lose said, before walking straight up to Aizen and waved at him. "Hi! I'm here to kick your ass."

"You suicidal or something?" Aizen questioned confused.

"no. I'm awesome." Screw-Lose laughed before blurring slightly and reappeared behind Aizen with a long black staff in his hands. "Now Die!" He yelled laughing.

"There is no way that is going to hurt me." Aizen said smugly, not bothering to dodge in order to prove his point.

The staff hit his temple and sent him flying through a wall.

"oww. Who the hell are you?" Aizen muttered, pulling out his sword and swinging at Screw-Lose and his unguarded neck.

"Who am I?" Screw-Lose dodged just in time, even though his hood was reduced to tatters.

"Oh please no." Ichigo yelled at seeing who it was.

"Oh yeah." Screw-lose grinned before swinging upwards and throwing his staff into the air. As it arced through the sky, he crossed his arms over his chest in an X and laughed loudly. "I am The Centuries Premier Spiritualist! DON KANONJI! BWAHAHAHAHA!" He caught his staff and twirled it in his hands. "How are we doing tonight my babies?"

"I don't know who this guy is." Nelliel said after a moment. "But I like him."

Don Kanonji bowed to Nelliel, before turning back to Aizen. "Yes, it's official. You Aizen: Smell like bad spirit! Come my number one disciple, we shall take him together!"

Ichigo grumbled something and wondered over to stand next to Kanonji. "fiiiine. And I'm not your disciple!" he snapped.

"Can I be your disciple?" Nelliel called over.

"But of cause my dear!" Kanonji winked.

"Swoon." Nelliel said blushing.

"Damn it Nelliel. Not you too!" Ichigo groaned.

"Are you and Don Kanonji flirting with each other?" Kon asked slowly.

"No." Nelliel and Kanonji said together. "We're just trying to mess with Ichigo."

"Hate you all." Ichigo snapped.

"Err, hi?" Aizen said unsurely, "are we going to fight now or what?"

"Huh? Oh yeah alright." Ichigo agreed. "If we start trying to set up that entire massive attack thing again you'll just stab us right?"

"Oh yeah. No question." Aizen nodded.

"Damn it. Fine." Ichigo groaned and pulled his hollow mask on. **"Attack!"**

Ichigo stabbed at Aizens chest as Kanonji fired off a golden cannon ball. Simultaneously, Rukia flash stepped and tried to stab Aizen in the back.

Aizen twisted slightly and raised his sword, easily blocking Ichigo and causing Rukia to stab Kanonji in the arm.

Aizen smirked and kicked all three of them so hard they flew off and hit Chad like he was a brick wall.

Upon that a new attack strategy was formed, everyone would hack through Hollows so that they got the chance to run up and attack Aizen, who would effortlessly smack them around. Then someone healed the person so that they could do it all over again.

Hey look I just described the entire Karakura town arc in one paragraph.

How long did it take the manga to say that again?

"I'm bored now." Aizen muttered. Beating up Ichigo for the seventh time that hour. "I'm just going to kill you now." Aizen said calmly"You tried your best. And as a human it was very impressive." Aizen commented calmly, before stabbing Ichigo in the leg, bringing him to his knees. "But compared to me. Your best is." Aizen swung his sword in a blow that would cut Ichigo's head off. "Nothing. Goodbye ryoka boy."

"No!" Yachiru yelled in horror, recognizing the words from her future.

"I agree." The chaotic Neutral known as Phoenix said, calmly flashstepping so as to block Aizens attack with her sword. "You're not doing that. Now get away from him."

"You think you can stop me?" Aizen asked amazed. "You put three scoops of confidence on your toast this morning didn't you?"

"I said." Phoenix growled. "Get the hell away from my boy. Or I will kill you."

"Wait what?" Ichigo froze.

Masaki Kurosaki pulled her hood down and gently helped Ichigo to his feet. "Hey there kiddo." She smiled.

"…Mom?" Ichigo stammered, unable to believe his eyes.

"It's her." Isshin promised as he walked up to them. "We'll explain everything soon. I promise."

"I." Ichigo began but stopped and instead hugged Masaki tightly. "I'm sorry Mom. It's all my fault you died." He said quietly.

Masaki hugged Ichigo back before placing her hands on his cheeks and looked at him intently. "Listen to me very carefully. You did nothing wrong alright? Nothing."

Ichigo swallowed, he'd heard people say that a lot to him, but coming from her, he finally let himself believe it.

He could almost feel the burden being lifted from his shoulders.

"Ichigo. I've missed you so much." Masaki said, kissing him on the cheek. "But before we talk, let's kill Aizen. Sound good to you pumpkin?"

"Sure Mom." Ichigo said happily. "what can he do that can stop us now?"

"Bankai!" Aizen chimed in calmly, his sword started to glow.

"Oh shit." All of the good guys said at the same time.

END CHAPTER 14

AN: What? You didn't think I'd leave Don Kanonji out of this did you?


	17. Aizen, and the killing thereof

Chapter 15: Aizen, and the killing thereof.

Wow. Was NOT expecting that kind of backlash against Don Kanonji. He's awesome! What's the matter with you people?

Also, my exams are over! W00T! means I should be more regular now with my updates. (key word being SHOULD)

emoemu-san: yes. Explained this chapter. Explained in a couple chapters. Because I'm lazy. Thank you very much.

Nelarun: maybe I'll kill him off eventually. MAYBE. I like him. I am so glad others agree with me about Central 46.

wheezerteebs: thanks, it had to be done. In hindsight I should of made a Soul Reaper/ Don't fear the reaper joke. Ah well.

Vampire13Princess: well there aren't THAT many powerful people who aren't Soul reapers or Hollows. Of cause it's obvious. Also: *ahem* Vhat vas that, Prinzess? Kill zem all? GOOD IDEA! BAHAHAHAHA! *Opens fire on the Bleach cast with a minigun.*... sorry.

ALL HAIL my new and glorious Bata reader Seliphra, for willingly putting up with my terrible writing skills.

STORY STARTS NOW!

Aizen smiled as his spiritual pressure increased rapidly.

"Oh crap." Ichigo said as Aizen's Bankai was reviled.

It was a perfect replica of Ichigo.

"Wait what the hell?" Nelliel said confused.

"This is my bankai. I can make a replica of my opponent that has the same level of strength as me! Hahahahahahaha!" Aizen grinned.

"Christmas has come early! He's mine!" Kenpachi yelled and ran at the Bankai laughing his head off.

Actually what really happened was this:

"Wait what the hell?" Nelliel asked confused.

"What? What are you looking at?" Ichigo said, looking at where Aizen was and saw nothing that even looked like a bankai.

"This is my bankai. I can make a replica of my opponent that has the same level of strength as me! Hahahahahahaha!" Aizen grinned.

"WHAT BANKAI!" Ichigo yelled.

"They can't here you." Aizen said smugly, they're seeing an illusion of you, and I've just convinced them that YOU are my Bankai!"

"That's ridiculous, you can't argh!" Ichigo began but was attacked by Kenpachi. "Son of a bitch! You son of a bitch!" He yelled as most of his under the hypnosis friends started trying to kill him.

"So why didn't you just use your real bankai?" Rukia asked.

"Because this way, I don't have too. Plus it's funny." Aizen said chuckling.

"That's a long way to go just to hurt someone." Orihime commented.

"yep!" Aizen agreed.

Meanwhile, Child Yachiru had jumped off Kenpachi's shoulder and had wondered over to team Ichigo.

"Hey you have pink hair too!" The child said cheerfully. "I'm Yachiru. What's your name?"

Adult Yachiru turned around and the two looked at each other for a moment.

Unsurprisingly they had the exact reaction.

"ARGHHHHH!" The two Yachirus screamed pointing at each other. "What the hell? What the ACTUAL hell!"

"Is that what I used to look like? I really was a brat wasn't i?" Adult Yachiru muttered.

"You're what I grow up to be? I don't want to be such an old woman." Child Yachiru snapped back.

The two glared at each other.

"BANKAI!"

"Is yours always like this?" Ikkaku asked, looking between them as two Cthulu's started having a fight.

"Yes." Rukia sighed, ducking under a large severed tentacle that went sailing over head. "Yours?"

"Unfortunately." Ikkaku sighed at the same time.

"So wait. What IS your Bankai?" Chad asked Aizen.

"It's awesome. Don't worry about it." Aizen insisted.

"WAIT! This is not Aizen's Bankai!" Gin suddenly yelled, so suddenly in fact, that Aizen didn't react in time to silence it with hypnosis. "You're being fooled!"

"Oh." Everyone said, and stopped trying to kill a now very scared Ichigo.

"The truth of the matter is..." Gin grinned.

"Oh come on man, don't do this." Aizen muttered.

"Aizen's Bankai sucks." Gin said grinning. I mean he always grins, but this was a more intense grin.

"It does not!" Aizen yelled.

"Does too."

"Does not!"

"Does too TIMES TEN!" Gin yelled back.

"Fine then. I'll show you, BANKAI! FOR REAL THIS TIME!" Aizen shouted, causing his sword to become…. A slightly longer sword.

"What?" Ichigo said flatly.

"See? Now my reach has been increased! I can stab you all from about an inch or so further back now! Isn't it cool?" Aizen said enthusiastically.

"What?" Ichigo repeated.

"Hey Aizen. Why didn't you use your bankai in the Manga?" Gin asked cheerfully.

"Because using it means that it resets my shiki so you're all….. No longer…. Under….. My spell. Fuck." Aizen said slowly.

"And that's how you manipulate someone into screwing themselves over." Gin said cheerfully.

"Gin. You are a complete and utter bastard." Aizen complained before kicking the Ex third division captain so hard he went flying off into the distance.

"It looks like I'm blasting off again! I mean, blasting off for the first time!" Gin yelled. Everyone looked at Aizen.

"You know what? I can take you guys anyway. Bring it!" Aizen yelled as Ulquiorra, Starrk, Grimmjow, and Nnoitra finally turned up and stood in front of him with the rest of the less interesting Hollows who I'll call the red shirt army for unimportant reasons.

"This is going to suck." Grimmjow complained.

"Yep." Starrk nodded.

"All life sucks, nothing but pain, and loneliness and-"

"Ulquiorra agrees." Nnoitra sighed.

"So is The old man just going to burn them all and win?" Ichigo asked.

"No. I'm going to sit back and let you guys fight bad guys I could beat myself and complain every time that I have to do anything." Yamamoto deadpanned.

"It would be great if that wasn't cannon." Kon sighed.

"Well what you guys waiting for?" Nemu yelled "Kill Aizen!"

"Got it." A Senna yelled, leading a pack of Senna's at Grimmjow. Grimmjow raised a hand and fired off a cero, vaporising four Senna's and crippling another. And so it began. The Captains moved first, Soi Fon and Kenpachi leading the charge towards the main badguys.

"One order of ass kicking coming up." Nnoitra smirked, charging up and firing a cero. Kenpachi just caught it and threw it aside like a baseball.

"Oh, fuck me." Nnoitra murmured, suddenly less confident as Kenpachi ploughed into him and sent him flying. When he landed he looked up and saw a certain female looking at him.

"Nelliel!" He said startled, jumping to his feet.

"Hey Nnoitra." Nelliel said smiling.

"I... err how are you?" He asked awkwardly.

"Oh, good, good." Nelliel nodded blushing slightly.

"Ah that's... good." Nnoitra said uncomfortably. "Soooo."

"yeah." Nelliel agreed.

"So we're still on for Friday?" Nnoitra asked hopefully.

"yep! Completely. 100%" Nelliel said, latching onto the topic with relief.

"They're like this every damn time they talk." Telsa muttered.

"it's nauseating bon'tcha Know!" Dondochakka agreed.

"BWAAA!" Bawabwa bwaaed.

"The giant worm razes an excellent point. GET A ROOM YOU TWO!" Telsa yelled. The two looked at each other and went bright red.

"O.k." Nelliel said suddenly, grabbing Nnoritia's hand and walked off with him in the direction of the 5ths bedroom.

"To be honest I really didn't expect that." Telsa said slowly. Meanwhile Grimmjow and Tatsuki were battling it out.

"So wait, you're not a CN? Really?" Tatsuki asked surprised.

"Oh yeah that's right. Me? I'm really just Ichigo with a slightly bigger enjoyment of fighting, and deep down I'm a sweet, misunderstood person and all I really need is someone to love me to make me a good guy." Grimmjow said nodding.

"Really?" Tatsuki asked slowly.

"Oh yeah! And Ulquiorra is actually really emotional and deep, his personality from cannon? Actually just a way for him to stop his really deep emotion from being hurt, but the love of an orange haired human shall… DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A SHIPPING FIC?" Grimmjow finally yelled.

"This must be the first fan-fic where I'm actually a bad guy; every damn story has me as misunderstood and falling for Ichigo or emo boy, or sometimes both at once! I'm sick of it! So no I'm not on the good guys side, I still want to kill all of you." Grimmjow continued to rant before scratching his finger nails along his sword. "Grind! Pantera!"

=]CN[=

"See what I don't get is that Aizen is amazingly great, and yet you all still fight him. It makes no sense!" Momo said as she fired kido at Kira.

"That's just, like, your opinion man." Kira insisted. "I mean his Bankai sucks. Hanataro has a better Bankai then that."

"How do you know Hanataro well enough to know that?" Momo asked slowly.

"I used to be in squad 4 for a while remember?" Kira said.

"Wait," Ukitake said as he passed, "I thought Aizen made sure to keep you and Momo under the command of his traitor captains?"

"Yeah he did say that. Weird. So the only way that me having spent time in the forth agrees with Aizens plans would be if..." Kira paused, "Oh no."

"Huh? I don't get it." Ukitake said right before a massive blast of kido blew his head off and killed him.

"The only way for it to make sense is if I was also on Aizen's side." Retsu Unohana said calmly. "And I am. Apparently."

"My life sucks so much!" Kira yelled as he ran for his life.

"All life sucks." Ulquiorra agreed as he fired ceros at Soul reapers.

"I know; it's like what's the point in life?" Kira said slowly nodding.

"There is none."

"And what's the point in love?"

"Love is the slowest form of suicide." The two emo's said together. Slowly they turned to look at each other and Kira and Ulquiorra kissed.

=]CN[=

Aizen wasn't really winning, but nor was he losing. Both sides had taken a lot of injuries and deaths, but no one was really taking the lead. And then Hanataro stood up to the plate. The short forth squad member smiled.

"Bankai." He said calmly.

"Go for it buddy." Ganju yelled, trying to encourage his friend. A bright red light enveloped Hanatro, and when it faded away everyone was surprised to see his change in appearance. He was now wearing a long white doctors coat and small glasses on his nose, red rubber gloves covered up his hands and forearms, and he was holding what looked like a giant gun.

"Err, not for nothing, but why didn't you use that on the Espada?" Ganju asked, "are you sure this will work?"

"Ha ha! I have no idea." Hanataro grinned, before turning his gun on his allies and shooting them with a red energy that started to heal there wounds.

"What the hell are you?" Aizen asked confused.

"I am ze medic." Hanataro said, now with a German accent for some reason. He turned and fired a few needles into the eye socket of Loly, which caused her to run around screaming until she was crushed by one of the still rampaging Cthulus.

"Whoops! Zat vus not medicine!" Hanataro groaned, changing the ammunition embarrassed. Starrk started shooting at Hanataro, who quickly dodged and pulled out a bone saw, choosing to tape it to his wrist stump.

"Here's what I have, that you don't." He bragged, swinging out and slicing through Menolys neck. "Did dat sting? Saw-rry!" Starrk quickly grabbed Hanataro by the throat and placed his gun next to his head.

"I require assistance!" Hanataro yelled, swinging out and lightly scratching Starrks arm.

"No one even plays TF2 anymore." Starrk said, "Your reference is outdated."

"Go to hell! And take your cheep suit with you!" Hanataro ordered, stabbing Starrk with a sedative and using the chance to run away from him. However Starrk quickly recovered and punched Hanataro in the face, knocking him out.

"That was weird." Aizen commented, smacking Renji and Harribel flying with one hit. "And I am still the greatest thing ever!"

"That's debatable." Ichigo said, swinging at Aizen, who blocked and kicked him in the chest.

"Train for a decade and you will still be no match for me!" Aizen boasted.

"Good idea." Ichigo grinned. "Mom? Dad? Yachiru? Come with me!"

They got together (Yachiru having beaten her younger self by distracting her with sweets) and after a brief explanation of the plan, went back in time after Yachiru remembered that she had a time machine.

Ten years ago, the four reappeared.

"O.k. Mom, explain how you're still alive." Ichigo asked.

"Remember back in chapter 4? I said that I went back in time to do stuff?" Yachiru asked, "Well I went to soul society, found your mother after Isshin had purified the Grand Fisher, and went back in time a decade to train her to be a soul reaper."

"Why?" Ichigo asked smiling in spite of himself.

"Oh I thought it would make you happy." Yachiru said cheerfully. There was a pause before Ichigo lent over and kissed her.

"Thanks." He said quietly.

"I'm glad to see you two together." Masaki said smiling at the two of them.

"Err, yeah, thanks Ma." Ichigo said embarrassed as he kicked Isshin in the face to stop what Isshin called the: _My-son-is-finally-a-man-dance_.

"So why are we here?" Isshin asked.

"I'm going to go through the ultimate in deus ex machina called the 'Saigo no Getsuga Tenshō' I just needed you guys around for the explanation. Then we go back to the exact same second and kick ass!" Ichigo said confidently.

What followed was exactly the same as in the manga. No really, exact same fight, dialog, everything. There is no point in me writing it all out. I can't think of a joke for this sentence, so I invite you to quickly think about Yamamoto in a pink tutu.

The four quickly returned to the present, 5 minutes after they left.

"How are things going?" Ichigo asked, his hair now slightly longer and his bankai's chain now wrapped around his arm.

"Soi Fon's dead." Rukia answered.

"Mom's dead?" Yachiru asked horrified.

"Oh yeah. I forgot. Maybe I should have been more tactful." Rukia cringed.

"Shut up Rukia." Ichigo barked, "What happened?"

"Well:" Rukia began.

FIVE MINUTES AGO.

"So does anyone have a plan on how to kill Aizen?" Soi Fon asked.

"No idea." Hisagi replied shaking his head.

"Wait. I just got an idea. Thanks Hisagi" Soi Fon smiled.

"You are welcome… I guess." Hisagi said confused as to how he helped.

"Sting all enemies to death, Suzumebachi!" Soi Fon yelled. "Kenpachi, distract him!"

"I can do that." Kenpachi grinned, slamming into Aizen and starting to duel him.

The distraction was just enough to let Soi Fon stab Aizen in the back.

"What are you doing?" Aizen asked with interest, "you can't kill me with that."

"Wasn't planning on it. Bankai." Soi grinned, and just like Hisagi against Tosen, the small blade became a massive meta tube that was shoved through Aizens gut.

"You don't really believe that is enough to kill me do you?" Aizen asked as he raised his sword above his head.

"Believe it or not, you piece of shit, you're still gonna burn!" Soi Fon replied before detonating the missile.

When the flames finally died down, Soi Fon's blackened body fell to the ground. Aizen however, had been pushed into his first form of evolution, a white….. sock puppet….. ghost… thing. I don't know what the hell he was supposed to be.

"Fascinating. If I didn't have the Hōgyoku, she would have killed me." Aizen commented idly.

FLASH BACK ENDS

"So is that why Kenpachi has gone mental and is ripping most of the hollows apart with his bare hands?" Isshin asked.

"That would be why." Rukia agreed before her eyes lit up. "Future Yachiru! You're from the future!" She said excitedly.

"Yes. Well done on that observation." Yachiru said, feeling slightly confused.

"No, I mean, you have a time machine!" Rukia said. "Quick! Orihime, Uryu, Chad, Yachiru,… where's Nelliel?" Rukia asked.

"Sexing with Nnoitra." Kon answered with a perverted grin.

"Riiiiight. Any way we don't need her that much. Everyone else, come here." Rukia ordered, with some grumbling and complaints they did so and looked at her expectedly.

"Right, what happens when Ichigo does something awesome?" Rukia asked.

"The plot gets advanced?" Chad suggested.

"My willing suspension of disbelief is stretched even further?" Uryu asked.

"A lot of buildings are destroyed?" Orihime guesses.

"no. well yes. But that wasn't the answer I wanted. No the answer is Number one plays. And why? Because Rock music gives Ichigo super strength." Rukia smiled. "Yachiru? Take us back in time! We have a song to write!"

Silence.

"yeah. O.k." Yachiru agreed, and in a flash of light they were gone.

And in a flash of light they were back, however now they all looked a few months older, and had instruments and costumes on, as well as having a large amount of amps set up around the battlefield.

Orihime was dressed in black leather and silver spiked shoulder pads, with giant black boots and the make up of Gene Simmons from Kiss and was seated behind a massive drum kit, the kick drum painted with the petals of her hair pins.

Uryu was standing at a long electronic keyboard, the keys made from Quincy energy, dressed in the stereotype image of a rapper, with a sideways flat-cap, excessive amounts of shiny rings and necklaces, and with dark sunglasses. He could clearly be heard repeating the words 'don't think about how stupid this is' over and over to himself.

Chad was holding a base guitar and was dressed in the silvery spandex and cape of Elvis Presley.

Yachiru was the lead guitarist and was dressed in the leather clothes of a punk rocker, her hair jelled into a pink Mohawk.

Rukia was the singer. Destiny came one step closer to the end as the only way to describe her new appearance, would be to call her:

Afro Rukia.

"Ladies and gentlemen. We are the band: **"The Ryoka invasion!" **I hope you enjoy the show." Rukia said smiling, "Guys? Let's rock their socks off! One! Two! Three! Four!"

END CHAPTER 15

AN: see? I have actually planned all this out. I'm not just writing whatever pops into my head.

Well I don't do that much anyway.

Can I just mention how much fun killing everyone off is?

And yes, Hanataro now has the highest body count of named characters in the story. That alone tells you everything you need to know about if you go down to the 11th today doesn't it?

(For those who don't know, his Bankai turned him into the medic from team fortress two.)


	18. Did i just write a songfic?

Chapter 16: did I just write a Song-fic?

READ THIS AUTHORS NOTE! Did I get your attention? Good. Right, I need you to go find the song "hard rock hallelujah" by Lordi and play it while reading this.

Why? Because I've written a song parody! Or rather, Rukia wrote a song parody.

Oh don't look at me like that, it was this or the trooper by Iron Maiden. I don't even like heavy metal, but it's all that fits.

(I was going to record myself singing but 1: I'm a guy and Rukia's a girl. And 2: My singing voice has made people try and drown themselves. So never mind that.)

Right then. Soooo review answer time.

Vampire13princess: I have a good reason for killing off your … Juu-chan. I'll explain it later, because it'll only make sense later. (And at my best guess, you should be seeing Transvestite Kenpachi's origins in about 6 or 7 chapters.)

Emoemu-san: Aww thank you. Your kind words mean a lot to me.

Seliphra: err Soi Fon is Yachirus mother because… err… OOH I know! She never was really her mother; Yachiru only called her that out of love! (Ha no one will guess I'm just frantically filling in plot holes of my own creation. For a change)

Wheezerteebs: XD Kira was actually quoting The Dude from the Movie "the big Lebowski" and he is indeed a stoner loser hippie. If you haven't seen it I recommend it, it's one of the best films of all time.

Once again I'd like to thank Seliphra for making this look somewhat less like a weird guys juvenile ramblings and more like an actual story. She does a good job, last chapter just looked so much better.

Story starts! Don't play the music yet!

Kon screamed. And then screamed some more.

"Af-afro Rukia!" He yelled pointing, his hand shaking in fear.  
"Oh yeah. So?" Ichigo asked confused.  
"This is the concert I was warned about!" Kon said in horror. "It's soon."

"What's soon?" Ichigo demanded, starting to feel worried.

"Death," Kon sighed.  
"What do you mean death?" Renji asked slowly.  
"I'm about to die," Kon replied, "but if this is it, then I might as well die like a badass!" He grinned, "Where's the biggest target?"

Meanwhile, up on stage, the band started playing and Rukia started singing. (HIT PLAY NOW PLEASE)

"_Bankai! Hallelujah!  
Bankai! Hallelujah!"_

"Oh for the love of crap." Nemu moaned.  
"Actually it's working." Ichigo said cheerfully. "I feel more powerful already, and it isn't even the chorus! We'll be able to kill Aizen and Yamamoto easily."  
"Excuse me? Did you say you wanted to kill me?" Yamamoto said slowly.  
"Ichigo, you moron." Nemu sighed. "Chaotic Neutrals! Start stabbing soul reapers too!" __

Seireitei is crippled  
On this hollows night  
Lost are the wholes with no guiding light

The four gates come down like thunder  
Were drawing _Zanpakutō__  
It's the bleachocalypse  
Now empower your soul (reaper)_

"You killed the captain! You Bitch!" Kiyone yelled, as the two Third seats led a mob of squad 13 members to try and kill Unohana. The traitorous captain sighed and sent a giant green manta ray with one eye after them, and it head butted them all to death. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

"Well that was unfair of you." Kukaku commented idly, "Are you sure you wouldn't have a better time fighting me?"  
"No." Unohana sighed, charging up a beam of kido and firing it at the Shiba. Kukaku created a kido shield and blocked it, before pointing at Unohana and yelling

"Stupefy!" causing a blast of red light to hit Unohana and send her flying.

"That's not the name of the spell." Unohana muttered.  
"Close enough."__

All we need is Kido  
firing lightning and light  
breaking through illusions of false  
the black moon fang's rising  
to Give us the sign  
that we can rise up in awe

anime_angels bring thy Bankai Hallelujah  
Hollow and reaper all in one has arrived  
Anime angels bring thy bankai Hallelujah  
In Kubo's creation, Aizen shall die  
_

Ichigo charged Aizen, but didn't notice a somewhat disgruntled Yamamoto about to attack him. Kon however did, and leapt forwards to kick the old man in the side of the head.

"I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU!" Kon screamed defiantly.  
"What? I have no idea who you are. Nor do I care." Yamamoto said confused.  
"Aww. My ship got sunk." Orihime sighed, thinking she would just start shipping Komamura with Shinji instead. Ichigo used the distraction Kon caused to turn around and slash Yamamoto across the chest… cutting off his beard.

"Nooooooo!" Yamamoto screamed. "Do you have any idea how long that took to grow? DO YOU?"  
"Nope. Don't care either," Ichigo grinned, "hey Kon, which one do you want to fight?" he asked, gesturing between Aizen and Yamamoto.

"I'll take the crazy one." Kon said.  
"Which one is that?"  
"Fine. YOU take the crazy one." Kon shrugged, before kicking Aizen in the chest.

"Hrrm. A Mod soul." Aizen said surprised. "Hey look what I have." He said, before pulling out a skull glove and smiling as he slapped Kon with it, causing his pill to exit Ichigo's body.  
"Kon!" Ichigo yelled horrified as Aizen slashed the last mod soul in half. Those three bount arc assholes don't count.

"You killed my friend." Ichigo growled.

"Oh I've killed hundreds of people, and they had many friends. You're being a baby about it." Aizen laughed.

_The true reaper,  
Thou shall be saved,  
Chaotic neutrals, keep strong in the faith._

On the day of winter war,  
It's whose strong, wins,  
And we see the true joker is the Spirit king.

"Hello daddy." Nemu said sarcastically as she walked up to Mayuri.  
"Nemu? What the hell do you think you are doing?" Mayuri snarled at her.  
"I'm going to kill you." Nemu said calmly, right before her Father punched her in the face.  
"I'm sorry? Did you just say you are going to try to kill me? ME?" Mayuri yelled.

"Yes." Nemu said as she easily got to her feet.  
"That didn't even hurt at all." She pointed out before Mayuri stabbed her in the stomach. Nemu didn't so much as blink.

"Oh yeah by the way, I surgically removed the pain centre of my brain a few moths after my creation, all those times you hit me? I was acting hurt so as to not hurt your feelings." Nemu laughed.

"Fine! You are my creation, and I can destroy you just as easily as I made you!" Mayuri yelled, puling out a remote control.  
"Oh yes. The destroy Nemu button you built, detonates the explosive inside my brain, just under the left ventricle correct?" Nemu said calmly.

"How did you know about that?" Mayuri demanded.  
"Well I was experimenting on my own brain remember?" Nemu said idly, before reaching out and pressing the button.

"Hey remember that time you ordered me to over see your penis enlargement surgery?" Nemu asked, right before Mayuri's crotch burst into flames.

"Nemu you son of a bitch!" Mayuri yelled in agony.  
"Daughter of a bitch actually." Nemu smiled, "this is even more satisfying then I thought it would be." She said before turning to child Yachiru.  
"If you make Cthulu eat him I'll buy you candy." She offered smiling. Five seconds later, Mayuri was being eaten alive by an abomination from beyond the stars.

"Bye Daddy. I'll always hate you." Nemu said cheerfully.

_All we need is Kido  
firing lightning and light  
breaking through illusions of false  
the black moon fang's rising  
to Give us the sign  
that we can rise up in awe_

anime angels bring thy Bankai Hallelujah  
Hollow and reaper all in one has arrived  
Anime angels bring thy bankai Hallelujah  
In Kubo's creation, Aizen shall die

Ichigo, Aizen and Yamamoto were dulling in a three way fight. Aizen had already gone from sock puppet Aizen, to Mullet Aizen. This was somewhat an improvement.

"Die you freaking traitors!" Yamamoto yelled, swinging at Ichigo who only just managed to dodge, having learned the hard way that blocking was very painful against the old man.

"Die you freaking dictators!" Ichigo yelled.

"Die you freaking misguided fools standing in the way of God." Aizen said calmly. And then suddenly a really long blade erupted out of Aizen's stomach.

"Gin's Bankai?" Aizen asked in shock, "but he's nowhere near me! I can't sense him."  
"And _that_ is why my sword needed to be 13 kilometre's." Gin said cheerfully, "no one ever expects to be stabbed from someone they had just thrown miles away."

"Whoa. That was actually pretty cool." Ichigo admitted grudgingly.  
"Oh I'm so glad you approve." Gin smiled, "Anyway, poison special ability, bye-bye Aizen."  
"LOL I am immortal!" Aizen shouted, now with four giant wings coming out of his back. "I am Aizen. I stab you up!" He shouted, before grabbing Gin by his shoulders and started to pull.

"My only regret is I did not hate you more." Gin said, spitting in Aizen's face just before he was torn in half.

"Huh." Ichigo said surprised, "I stab you up? Really?"

"I think Aizen has gone stupid with power." Yamamoto commented, right before stabbing Ichigo in the back, "and you are easily distracted."  
"Nope." A strange warbled voice replied. Yamamoto realised that he had actually stabbed through a massive hole in Ichigo's chest.

"He just swapped out." Hollow Ichigo grinned, now fully in control of the horned monster that was Ichigo's super hollow form. "Now let's try this again."

__

Mask on his face  
he got horns on his head

_His fangs are sharp  
And his eyes are red  
Not quite a reaper  
But a human as well.  
Now choose to join us or go straight to Hell_

Bankai Hallelujah!  
Bankai Hallelujah!  
Bankai Hallelujah!  
Bankai Yeah!

The Hollow laughed hysterically as he attacked Aizen, every blow he landed causing another small crack in Aizen's transformation that quickly healed over.

"Wait." Hollow Ichigo said, before looking at Aizen. "Heh. Heheheh. Ha. HAHAHAHA YOU'RE A BUTTERFLY!"  
"No I'm the ultimate perfect life form." Aizen insisted.  
"Actually you really do look like a Butterfly." Yamamoto agreed chuckling.  
"Shut up! You guys are jerks," Aizen muttered, "look, this is how tough I am." He claimed before he turned around and stabbed Sasakibe.

"See? You see that?" Aizen laughed.  
"Who did he just kill?" Hollow Ichigo asked confused.  
"I have no idea. I don't remember ever seeing that guy in my life." Yamamoto shrugged.  
"You guys are dicks." Sasakibe mumbled before bleeding out and dying.  
"Well if he's going to be like that I'm glad he's dead." Yamamoto shrugged, "anyway, back to killing you guys."__

Anime angels bring thy Bankai Hallelujah  
hollow and reaper all in one has arrived  
anime angels bring thy bankai Hallelujah  
In Kubo's creation Aizen shall die

_Bankai Hallelujah!_

The song finished, which caused Ichigo to suddenly be a lot less powerful. This meant that Yamamoto was able to stab Ichigo and break his hollow form.

"Oh dear." Ichigo said, facing the two most powerful people in the show without convenient power ups.  
"What? No silly jokes? No questions about the forth wall? No ridiculous rants?" Aizen asked surprised. Ichigo took a deep breath.

"How many Aizen's does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds it in place and makes the world revolve around him." Ichigo joked, before he shot at Aizen with a Getsuga Tensho.

"Have you ever noticed that the song "number one" is more about dancing in the city then anything that happens in Bleach?" he questioned, flash stepping behind Yamamoto and slashing him across the back.

"And now for a rant." Ichigo said calmly. "You know who my favourite super hero is? Super girl." Ichigo jumped right over Aizen's head and tried to stab down at him.  
"The original one, Kara Kent. Not all the annoying ones that came after her. Although Power Girl is cool I guess." He explained as Aizen blocked and punched him through a wall. Ichigo groaned in pain and shakily got to his feet.

"Mostly because of how she died. You see there was this guy called the Anti-Monitor. He was kind of like Aizen, unstoppable, evil, smacked down every good guy that tried to stop him and for a while it looks like he's going to win, achieve ultimate power and destroy the universe."

"That does sound like me." Aizen agreed.  
"I know right?" Ichigo grinned, he jumped forwards and slashed at Aizen, who just ducked, grabbed Ichigo by the hair and slammed him into the ground.

"So then Super Girl attacks him." Ichigo mumbled, shakily getting up as he spat blood and a couple of teeth out of his mouth with a grimace, "and she hit's the evil monster over and over." Ichigo swung at Aizen again, who easily dodged and slashed Ichigo deeply across the chest.

"And she keeps attacking, even when he shoots her and crushes her under the rocks of entire planets that he had made explode." Ichigo continued, stubbornly stabbing at Aizen, even as he desperately tried to continue breathing.

"You are going to die." Aizen commented, kneeing Ichigo in the gut, winding him.  
"Probably yeah. But the point is I find Super Girl cool because she took on someone she could never beat, and hurt him so badly that it gave her friends the chance to regroup and eventually save the universe and in my opinion, there is nothing that can be done that is more awesome then sacrificing yourself for your friends." Ichigo muttered. "Not that you have ever understood friendship of cause."

"Final Getsuga Tensho." Ichigo started to glow with black energy, his hair grew long and black and white bandages started to cover the lower portion of his face. 

"As long as you die first. Then it's all worth it." Ichigo said, firing off the blast that enveloped Aizen with almost unstoppable power, filling the entire battle field with energy. When the dust cleared, Aizen was reduced to a mess of body parts that made up his various forms. He was still alive, and slowly healing, but he wouldn't be moving for a long time. However very few people were paying attention to Aizen. What they were really looking at was the body next to Aizen.

Ichigo Kurosaki was dead.

END CHAPTER 16

AN: I am going to get so much crap for this I can tell.

This is the most badass death I could think of. Mostly because the whole "Defiant to the end" thing is something I've always loved.

You know what? You guys can bring the hate. I know what's going to happen next. It's all part of the plan. Trust me.


	19. The fall of chaos

Chapter 17: Fall of Chaos.

Just occurred to me, does anyone else think that Bleach and Claymore are almost the exact same show? (Note to self, write some KenpachiXOphelia.)

Review answer Time! This week your reviews are answered by Rukia! No wait. That would be stupid.

hopscot nli: Yeah I was so close to not killing Gin just because of how awesome he is. Plus I meant for him to dress as Michel Jackson and moon walk across Soul Society at some point and I forgot to. D: (ah the joys of having a time machine)

CrossoverxToxThexDarkxSide: lol, it is, isn't it? And yes Ichigo. Because otherwise this chapter would have made no sense at all.

Wheezerteebs: thank you, and yes all shall become clear eventually. Maybe. I'm reliable right? *cricket noises* ….damn it

Emoemu-san: You hate Ichigo? Really? I didn't know that was possible, ah well I'm glad I made you happy.

Seliphra: I never actually thought of using time travel to bring people back. (other then Masaki, who I brought back with time travel.) I'll explain that in chapter.

Yuki-onna: and here is my explanation. Here is most of my explanation at any rate.

Vampire13Princess: Yes Nemu is almost unstoppable. Surprisingly I am not going to take that as a challenge and kill her for giggles. And Whatever doesn't kill Ichigo only makes him stronger. What DOES kill Ichigo also makes him stronger. Except in this. Because I'm evil.

kashif1: Ooh a new reader. Yay! Really glad you're enjoying it and don't worry, we have a long way to go yet.

Massive thanks as always to my Batareader, the amazing Seliphra!

Story starts now.

"Ichigo?" Orihime asked in shock.

Ichigo didn't move.

"Ichigo! Get up!" Yachiru yelled in desperation.

Ichigo bled a little.

"It's fine." Rukia said quickly. "His hollow will bring him back. Or Urahara will do it. Or something else. Ichigo isn't dead." She insisted.

Ichigo's totally dead body did nothing.

"Oh no. no, no, no! This isn't happening." Rukia said quietly as it hit her.

"Well. We're screwed." Nemu sighed, looking more disappointed then upset.

"ARREST THE TRATORS!" Yamamoto yelled.

"And that would be why." Nemu shook her head. "I was really counting on Ichigo to kill the old man. Hey Kenpachi! You think you can do it?"

"Well seeing as I would have no other way but to walk through fire to stab at him. I don't feel that confident." Kenpachi replied. "So we go down fighting?"

"Yep!" Nemu agreed, pulling out her sword and charging Toshiro.

"Awesome!" Kenpachi grinned, jumping at Unohana. "So why did you join Aizen?" He asked as he swung at her.

"Truthfully? Because I hate my job." Unohana replied dodging. "I can't stand the sight of blood and part of the deal I made with Aizen was when he had the power to do anything, he would make people not bleed as much when cut."

"Not bleed much? In Bleach? You're mad!" Kenpachi yelled horrified.

"Mad am I?" Unohana yelled in defiance, "Would a mad person join a homicidal mad man for the most petty reasons?"

"Yes."

"Oh yeah, I think they would. But I'm not mad." She insisted.

"Whatever bitch, I an't gonna judge." Kenpachi grinned. " Well mot out loud. While you're around. That much." Kenpachi paused. "You are an idiot."

Meanwhile Nemu laughed at Toshiro. "I killed a captain in five seconds flat! You are no match for me."

"A captain you only beat because you knew of a weapon placed within his genitals." Toshiro replied curtly.

"Well yes. So maybe I'm only the strength of a lieutenant. And maybe I only killed my father because I spent hundreds of years planning it. And maybe you are about to beat the hell out of me and I should have thought this through." Nemu replied sheepishly.

"Maybe?" Toshiro repeated smirking.

"Yep! We won't know until it happens." Nemu said, right before she was frozen in a massive block of ice.

"That's what I thought." Toshiro sniggered, he had taken the rebellions leader captive, and that was a pretty good start. So he decided his next move would be to move on arresting Unohana and Kenpachi.

That didn't turn out so well.

Kenpachi punched Toshiro in the face at the same moment Unohana picked him up by the throat.

"Any last words Toshiro?" Unohana asked politely.

"Tell my fangirls….. I love them." The young white haired pretty boy said at the same time Yoruichi and Urahara arrived, far too casual for what was going on.

"Ah a Yugioh abridged reference. Final proof this story is completely stupid." Yoruichi sighed. "I quit. I am not associating myself with this ridiculousness." And with that, she turned around and left the story in protest. Urahara just sighed.

"Good enough." Unohana said and smiled. A smile of such horror and fear that the more that Toshiro looked at her, the more sweetness and comfort he felt until with a loud shattering sound his head exploded.

"Anyway. Aizen is still alive. But I know how to kill him." Urahara said, walking over to Team Ichigo and breaking them out of there grieving (which is far too depressing to show in this story) "we use this!" He said and pulled out the second inner-world-enter-spike-thingy. "I built this one so that whoever stabbed Aizen with it will trap his immortal soul inside them, meaning he won't really die, but he'll be reduced to a voice in the persons head."

"Done." Rukia said, grabbing the spike, "If the last thing Ichigo did was try to end that monster, then I'll finish the job." She said resolutely before walking over to the mess that is now Aizens body and stabbed it.

There was a blinding flash of light.

"_Well this sucks."_ Aizens voice could be heard by Rukia and Rukia alone.

"It worked!" Rukia said cheerfully, "Aizen is inside me forever!"

"Lucky bitch." Momo yelled, before she was grabbed by Kira and handcuffed.

And in another flash of light, Transvestite Kenpachi and Afro Rukia appeared.

"DON'T KILL TOSHIRO! SOMETHING REALLY BAD HAPPENS!" Transvestite Kenpachi yelled.

There was a pause before a loud rumbling sound filled the air.

"What is that?" Unohana just managed to ask before a garganta opened to divulge a horde of unknown numbers of pissed off Toshiro fangirls, every one of which charged at Unohana and started screaming with the voice of a legion:

"YOU KILLED OUR SHIRO-CHAN!"

"Damn it we showed up too late. You said you were going to set it to BEFORE Toshiro died." Afro Rukia yelled angrily.

"You're usually the person who uses this thing!" Transvestite Kenpachi snapped and threw the time machine at her head. "You drive!" He ordered.

_Found you_

"Oh dear." Afro Rukia gullped and started pressing buttons that made the two vanish just before the shadow of a humanoid figure started to materialise in front of the time travelling pair, but faded away when they vanished again.

"What the hell was that." Kenpachi stated, it wasn't a question, because there was never going to be an appropriate answer to explain what he had just seen.

"Can we focus? Toshiro-Fan-Girls? Remember?" Unohana demanded, shooting kido franticly into the ever growing army of T-F-Gs "Hey Toshiro had a message for you." She yelled.

"What was it? Tell us!"

"Toshiro said that he loves you all." Unohana said dryly before being submerged in the crowd and disappeared, crushed under the hate and rage of the fans.

"Oh crap." Kenpachi muttered "fangirls! The ultimate horror!" in the face of the only thing he truly feared, he franticly tried to think of what to do. "Run and fight!" Kenpachi yelled, picking up the ice block that was Nemu, and legged it, followed quickly by the rest of the surviving cast. (Ganju being the one to carry the still unconscious Hanataro

"Oh god. I don't want to die!" was the general thought of the moment, as the T-F-Gs, driven insane by the death of their beloved, had decided to end Bleach, and were tearing apart everything they could reach, now you may think that even a Menos could take a few human teen girls, but have you ever seen an angry fangirl? Yeah they're kinda like the rage infected from 28 days later that can think and squeal instead of yell.

Thousands of hollows and soul reapers were dead within seconds, within minutes, seeing as Rukia and Nemu were now traitors, there were now only eleven divisions.

A fangirl leapt for Kepachi's throat, instead of slowing, he swung his Nemu-sickle and reduced her to a smear on the sand.

"We can't kill all of them!" Grimmjow yelled, firing ceros over his shoulder as he ran.

"Then you're not trying hard enough!" Kenpachi snapped. "Hold my friend." He ordered, tossing the ice block to a disgruntled Grimmjow and pulling out his sword.

"No Dad." Yachiru said and had Cthulu pick up the Eye-patched captain and carry him like a really scary baby.

"Can't…. *gasp* run…. Anymore…" Omaeda wheezed before falling over from exhaustion, the horde descended on him and, deciding that he wasn't cute, tore him apart.

"They killed Omaeda!" Hissagi yelled.

"Good!" Everyone else replied.

"I wish Mom was here." Yachiru muttered under her breath.

"Yeah her Bankai would help." Chad agreed.

"No I just want her to kiss Dad and distract him from wanting to charge the Fan girls." Yachiru replied. "Mini-me! Send your Cthulu after them!" She ordered.

"You don't tell me what to do!" The other Yachiru replied annoyed. "But I'm doing this because I want to. Not for you. Understand?" She barked.

"Whatever I don't care. Just Cthulu there ass damn it!" Larger Yachiru yelled.

"Rude." Mini-Yachiru muttered before directing her Cthulu (the one called Kitty so as to distinguish between them) at the Fan Girls chasing them.

"So what? Cthulu is a verb now?" Nanao asked sceptically.

"This sucks!" Rukia yelled suddenly.

"Oh you think so?" Renji said sarcastically, "Everyone else is enjoying themselves."

"No not that. Idiot. Aizen won't shut up!" Rukia said in annoyance.

"_If you hadn't killed me, I would have been able to hypnotise all the fan girls to leave you alone. It's all your fault we're about to die."_ Aizen said smugly.

"I'm not crazy but the voice in my head really is very loud." Rukia commented amused.

Yamamoto created a massive wall of fire and blocked the Fan Girls approach.

Or rather, he bought everyone about five minutes because after the fan girls discovered that "Flaming fan girl" should be reserved for the character bashing stories, decided to just walk around.

"I am starting to lose my patience." Harribel commented. "Right! Everyone? We're leaving!" She declared, before she opened up a garganta and waved at everyone. "Hello? A very smart and beautiful person is trying to save your lives over here. Move your asses!"

And with that everyone finally left Huaco Mundo.

Everyone but Yamamoto, who after making sure no one but him and the T-F-G army was in the area, said a single word. "Bankai!"

Yamamoto's bankai was basically just a "kill all life" attack; because the fire that was produced was so hot it ignited the world of Hollows atmosphere and killed everyone there instantaneously.

Except Yamamoto of cause, a bankai that killed the user would be just stupid.

(Soi-Fon would roll in her grave. if the black ash that she was reduced to was buried by anyone. And if her body hadn't been vaporised by the head captain.)

Everyone came out of the portal panting for breath, tired out of there minds.

"how… how long was that freaking battle?" Grimmjow wheezed.

"Too freaking long." Senna muttered. "But at least it's over."

"So. Who won?" Starrk asked.

Silence.

"God damn it." Rukia groaned.

"The Vizard chose not to turn up right? I think they won." Orihime imputed tiredly.

"God damn it!" Rukia groaned louder. "Why did they skive off anyway?"

"Mashiro pointed out that the less they appeared, the less they could be killed off. So they decided that they wouldn't appear at all. Just to be safe." Senna imputed.

"Oh. You know that means that Mashiro is smarter then all of us right?" Rukia said despairingly.

"Yeah. Let's…. pretend that isn't true though." Nnoitra suggested.

"Agreed!" everyone said at once.

"So now what?" Renji questioned.

"We try to take over soul society. Just as soon as we're not to tired to stand up." Urahara suggested. "And after someone gets round to defrosting Nemu."

"Hey wait a minute. Where has Byakuya been this entire time? He never showed up once the entire battle." Renji asked looking around.

"he's." Rukia hesitated. "with his new best friend."

"Would you like more cucumber and mango drink Mr. Fluffy?" Byakuaya asked happily, as he mimed giving imaginary tea to his tea-party's guest.

"Guah?" Wonderweiss replied smiling, it was an enthusiastic guah.

"I'm so glad! There's a world outside! Full of grass and sky!" Byakuya started to sing.

"Guah dwaah naaagh. Goo taa bwaaaah!" Wonderweiss tried to sing along.

"Well they're happy I guess. That's the main thing." Rukia shrugged.

"Hey Rukia? Next time I want to know something. Remind me I don't want to know anything." Renji said shuddering. "Ever."

"I wouldn't worry about it. You don't know anything at the moment." Rukia grinned.

"Shut up Rukia." Yamamoto ordered as he walked into soul society.

"Err yeah o.k." Rukia said. Very wisely, thinking that annoying the man who had just killed an entire world was not a good plan.

"so. You are all really tierd huh?" Yamamoto asked casually.

"yeah." Orihime agreed.

"Good." Yamamoto smiled. "that makes this so much easier."

Five minutes later.

The cell door slammed shut, locking up everyone who was not currently on the side of Soul Sociaty.

Except Wonderweiss that is. Because Byakuya started crying when they tried to take away Mr. Fluffy. Besides, they found Wonderweiss had such a small understanding of what was going on, it was far easier to just give him Renjis position and be done with it.

"You shall all be tried for treason!" Yamamoto yelled.

"But I was never part of soul society. So how can I be a trator?" Grimmjow asked.

"Me too." Uryu demanded.

"And me." Came the shouts of a lot of others.

"Fine. During your trials we shall figure out what we can and can't charge you with. However I expect all of you will be executed." Yamamoto said before leaving.

"Well this sucks." All of the Sennas said at once.

At that moment Nemu woke up and looked around. "What did I miss? Last thing I saw was Toshiro beating me."

"Long story." Kenpachi sighed.

END CHAPTER 17

AN: this was probably the strangest chapter yet. That's an accomplishment.


	20. NANANANANA KENPACHI!

Chapter 18: NANANANANA KENPACHI!

And here we go for the eighteenth time! Hand grenade pins in every line! Etc etc.

That's no moon. That's a review answering section!

Wheezerteebs: Thank you, I take that as a massive complement. It might make sense eventually. I promise nothing though! 

Vampire13Princess: you were one of the fan girls? But…. That means… Yamamoto killed V13P! NOOOOO! *Cries* and as for Transvestite Kenny and Afro Rukia, oh you'll find out. Bwahahaha! *goes back to crying*

Emoemu-san: Wow I'm really surprised you guessed exactly what this chapter was going to contain! Please enjoy.

Seliphra: Well that's what time travels for! Changing the time stream (and cheap tricks.)

Jim: I'm not on drugs. The Drugs are on me! I kid I kid. It's just that I'm a weird kind of guy.

Nightkill: Why thank you XD

Once again everyone please remember that Seliphra is the awesome beta reader of this story, and you should all send her a little present to say how much you appreciate her.

"No really. How did this happen?" Nemu demanded, looking not even slightly amused. Everyone that wasn't on Soul Societies side was locked in the same VERY large cell in the basement of the Maggots Nest. The walls were made of sekkiseki rock and everyones: swords, bows, guns, fireworks, mallets, hair pins, staffs, and who the hell knows what else, had been confiscated.

"I'll show you." Ulquiorra offered, before reaching up to grab his left eye.  
"Err, I wouldn't do that." Nemu warned.  
"I do it all the time, its fine." Ulquiorra said dismissingly before he pulled out his eye and crushed it. There was a pause.

"AAAAAGGHHHHH!" The Forth Espada screamed in pain, he ran around franticly before slamming into a wall and knocked himself out next to Grimmjow who was laughing hysterically.  
"Yeah. Our powers aren't working remember? So why'd you think pulling your eye out was a good idea? That was stupid," Nemu sighed, "Right! How do we get out of here?"

"We could... I mean you should... Err…" Urahara said slowly, "Excellent question that."  
"I can't rely on anyone can I?" Nemu muttered darkly.  
"Aizen won't shut the damn hell up! It's a nightmare!" Rukia yelled at the top of her voice suddenly. "I'm gonna go tell him to shut it." She decided, before entering her inner world.

Rukia's soul looked like a village covered in snow and Ice. With rows of small thatch roofed buildings stretching off into the distance. They were small, yet inviting while rough around the edges. (Like Rukia. Just in case you didn't get it.) Footsteps echoed behind her, Rukia turned to see a beautiful white rabbit the size of a lion walking up to her.

"Hello Sode no Shirayuki." Rukia smiled at the rabbit.  
"Hello Rukia." The Rabbit replied calmly.  
"Err weren't you supposed to be a white haired chick?" Rukia asked raising an eyebrow. 

"Well yes. But then we remembered that the zanpakuto rebellion arc was bullshit and added nothing to Bleach." The spirit explained, "We saw Renji's baboon snake tail spirit and had the opportunity to show lots of interesting ideas for spirits not limited to human shapes for a change. Something that could have been really artistic and an interesting look into the cast and there true personalities. But no, people with swords, like they always bloody are." She sighed.

"Fuck the Filler. Seriously. And then we have the entire Gotei 13 Invading Army arc and once again the anime writers are lazy and can't think for themselves so they just say 'let's make identical evil clones of the good guys so we can do less work and don't have to come up with a group of bad guys for our crappy filler. That means we can focus more on our unlikeable, overpowered Mary Sue! YAY!' they're all useless. At least the bount were unique!"

"Wow. You got kind of worked up there. You o.k.?" Rukia asked nervously.  
"I'm just pissed off that the bount arc delayed you using me on screen for even longer." Sode no Shirayuki admitted sheepishly.  
"Yeah I was generally useless for that wasn't I?" Rukia agreed. "Hey whatever happened to Go Koga and the three mod souls anyway?"

MEANWHILE

"You see? My plan worked perfectly. Using Ririn as bait, I was able to teleport Go Koga and Kurodo over the ghost meaning they could drop the net in order to trip him up and trap him in the lions cage," Noba said calmly.

"Now we get to find out who he really is!" Dalk laughed, Ririn reached out and pulled the mask off the captured 'ghost' and everyone gasped in shock.

"**Ryūken Ishida?****" **Kurodo gasped, "But why?"

"I believe I can answer that," Dalk smiled, "You see our first clue was that the elephants wounded leg had been stabbed, and yet there was a burn not a stab. And that suggested energy weapons."

"Secondly while the fake chain of fate was well designed, the problem was that when he tried to kidnap Noba, it almost came off when snagged on his shirt, and THAT told us he wasn't a ghost at all." Go Koga nodded.

"O.k. I admit it!" Ryuken growled, "I wanted the expensive jewellery that the bearded lady wears! I was gonna scare her out of her trailer and then take them for myself! And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling filler characters!"

"Well I guess that the Quincy's plans, took an arrow to the knee!" Kurodo joked, and everyone laughed.

"I'm sure he's fine" Rukia shrugged. "Anyway, where is Aizen at?" The Sword led Rukia over to where Aizen was sitting looking extremely frustrated.

"Haha! You lost Aizen!" Rukia taunted grinning. "Trapped in my head forever."  
"I had a plan. I don't understand how it failed." Aizen said quietly.  
"Really? You planned this?" Rukia asked sceptically.  
"Oh no! hell no. you think anyone was planning these last few days? The entire world went from one crazy improbable even to another." Aizen shook his head, "not even I could keep up with it."

"Yeah can't argue with that. I mean how do fangirls use hollow powers to travel between worlds anyway?" Rukia couldn't help but agree. "So your plan was the Mangas storyline right?"  
"Yeah." Aizen nodded, "It was such a great plan."

"Let me see if I understand what your plan was." Sode no Shirayuki spoke up. "Put the hogyoku in your chest. Then make Ichigo get stronger and stronger to push you into the form of ultimate power so you can kill the soul king and become god like. Is that it?"

"Err, that's a very simple version yes." Aizen nodded. "I made sure that Ichigo had steadily increasingly tough fights so that-"  
"No. No you didn't." Rukia interrupted.  
"I did! I totally did." Aizen said insulted.  
"No you didn't. The Hollows he fought back in season one. You had no way to know Ichigo was going to fight them when two quinces, Urahara's crew, Shinji's gang. Etc etc were living close by. And Ichigo had absolutely no swordsmanship training, it was more likely he died then what really happened. ESPECIALLY with the Menos." Sode no Shirayuki pointed out smirking. You ever seen a Rabbit smirk? It looks really creepy.

"And then you used your central 46 fake orders to send my brother and Renji. And once again, you didn't know that they were definitely going to fight. AND you were giving them orders to kill him. So if they did what you wanted, your entire plan wouldn't have got past that point." Rukia continued.

"Ah but I knew that Kuchiki and Abbari would-" Aizen tried but was interrupted again.

"No you didn't! And then the soul society invasion. You had no control over his fight with Jidanbo. You stationed Gin there, but he was against you all along so who knows what he might have decided to do on a whim. Renji, you tried to manipulate. But you can't claim that really vague conversation was the reason he attacked Ichigo. Nor can you or anyone else claim to be able to control Kenpachi." Rukia smiled happily. "So basically, for all your crap about manipulating everyone, all you really did was cause Ichigo to go to rescue me. And that's it. You are so full of it."

"Ah but when you consider my shiki. You may realise I was in more control then you thought." Aizen said smugly. Sode no Shirayuki sighed.  
"Let's face it here. For the entirety of Bleach you were just saying the words 'I totally meant for that to happen' no matter what happened. And then you used your hypnosis so you could stab people in the back when the thought they had killed you. You are a boring invincible villain, and you were only beaten because Tite Kubo pulled the final getsuga tensho out of his ass. Now SHUT UP!"

And with that Rukia went back into the real world.

"So we tell the guard that Nemu is feeling ill because she was frozen for so long. Meanwhile Kenpachi hangs from the ceiling Batman style and drops the guard when he walks in!" Orihime suggested, this being the thirtieth escape plan that they had come up with in the time Rukia was talking to Aizen. The sad thing was this was the best idea yet.

"Who's Batman?" Kenpachi asked, having never spent any major time in the human world. Orihime sighed.  
"Never mind."  
"Huh." Chad said after a moment. "Someone who focuses entirely on hand to hand fighting in a world full of people with special powers." He pointed out calmly.

"Spiky black things on his head that get mocked by people." Orihime continued giggling.  
"A young sidekick who proves that there is both good and kindness in him." Uryu sniggered.  
"And he's a totally unstoppable badass that the entire fanbase agrees could beat anything and everything in existence!" Rukia gasped. "Oh. My! GOD! Kenpachi is Batman!"

"What are you idiots going on about?" Kenpachi muttered scowling.  
"NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-KEN-CHAN!" The two Yachirus started singing loudly. Kenpachi experienced his 'Am I the only sane person in the world?' moment as Orihime started writing a fanfiction where Bruce Wayne died and went to soul society.

"So if Aizen is called Superman. Kenpachi is Batman. And Ichigo is SuperGirl…. Apparently. You know what that means?" Urahara asked. "It means the Author needs to remember that not everyone likes comic books as much as he does!" and with that the shop keeper reached out of the screen and pimp slapped the author until he promised to stop being such a geek. Anyway there was a plot around here somewhere.

"So seeing as Aizens gone. Do you hollows want to join up with us?" Nemu asked looking around.

"Sure what ever." Grimmjow muttered, while the others just nodded. "You can't be worse right?"  
"Err she's less evil, more crazy." Harribel pointed out.  
"Thanks. Thank you so much for that." Nemu muttered angrily.

"Who's guarding us anyway? All I can see is Hisagi." Ganju asked looking out the cell bars.  
"Actually it's just me." Hisagi said shrugging, "we're kinda low on people. There are only four captains left and Kenpachi is a traitor." He paused. "and Byakuya is crazy. So yeah we have two captains left." He paused again. "And Kyōraku is a useless drunk ever since Ukitake died. So we have the head captain and a few lieutenants. Crap."

"Want to join our side?" Nemu offered hopefully.  
"No. there's a lot of you, but you're all locked up so I think soul society is still wining." Hisagi shook his head. "You know I thought about it and you know the exact moment things started going wrong? The moment some dumb ass gave a human soul reaper powers."

"Heh. Yeah my bad guys." Rukia said sheepishly. The door opened and the head captain walked in, behind him was a large amount of people carrying spiritual pressure binding hand cuffs.  
"All of you have to put these on! It's time for your trials!" Yamamoto ordered loudly.

"Evil spirit! I will not obey your foul demands!" Don Kanonji cried defiantly.  
"All of creation turns-" Yamamoto began.  
"Did I say evil spirit? I meant very reasonable spirit." The TV star corrected nervously.  
"Dude. You have like, the lamest secret society ever." Rukia told Nemu smirking.  
"Shut up Rukia. I am in NO mood." Nemu snapped as they were all lead out in chains towards Central 46.

What will happen next?

Will the chaotic Neturals escape?  
Will Kira and Ulquiorra being on opposite sides effect there relationships?  
Will Rukia ever shut up?  
Will I write a chapter that's actually good next time?

Yes, no, no, hopefully.

END CHAPTER 18

AN: WORST. CHAPTER. EVER. Oh how I hate it.


	21. OBJECTION!

Chapter 19: OBJECTION!

This is. My! **Bankai**! Oh no wait. It's my next fanfic chapter, sorry. I'm ever so embarrassed.

Review answering time! Engage!

Nightkill: Thank you, your comments make me laugh.

La dark flower: yeah it is weird. Awesome right! (and how could you not love Batman? Batman is awesome! :D )

Mage of hope: (love the name BTW) well thank you. Very kind.

Wheezerteebs: true it has been a while. I think I'll shove a plot summery in this chapter somewhere. (or you could reread it all, that could be fun right?) And z is an ugly letter. S is much more beautiful. (I think a certain 11th squad member possessed me when I said that.)

Emoemu-san: You think so? I'm touched. And your wait is over my friend.

Whatmesage: Really glad you're liking this. It's a labour of love, honestly.

Oh and **can everyone tell me if they would be interested in a sequel to this story. One that could be best described as "the cast of Bleach invade other universes in a massive crossover story"? Because I'm thinking about it.**

Chapter begins!

The night was dark over soul society.

The wind blew strong and the rain pored heavily through the streets.

On a rooftop over the twelfth division, a figure perched. Dark and masked in shadows, the wind blew his cape making it swirl around him.

His name was the Kenman.

His sidekick Robchiru sat at his feet, the two waiting for the dastardly Mime to make a move towards robbing the-

"ORIHIME INOUE! YOU ARE ON TRIAL! STOP READING YOUR FANFICTION TO US!" One of the judges of central 46 yelled angrily.

"Fine." Orihime pouted. "But Urahara was going to be commissioner Gordon."

"we. Don't. care." The judge growled. "You are accused of plotting to overthrow Soul Society, how do you plead?"

"I open my mouth and produce sounds that attempt to convince you to do what I want."

"What." The judge said flatly.

"It's how I plead." Orihime explained cheerfully. "But I did do it. Mostly because Ichigo wanted to do it."

"So Ichigo was the ring leader?"

"No. He was working for Nemu." Orihime replied cheerfully.

"Right. Sentenced to death for rebellion. NEXT." The judge shouted.

[CN]

"You are accused of rebellion. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty." Rukia said in a bored tone.

"How do you figure that out?" The judge demanded.

"Your laws are stupid and evil. So I'm ignoring them. And you. Because you smell." Rukia explained, smiling cheerfully at the court.

"Silence! We shall have order!"

"Order? You're out of order! This whole damn courtrooms out of order!" Rukia shouted, actually enjoying herself considerably.

"You will be charged with contempt of court." The judge shouted back.

"I have nothing BUT contempt for this court!" Rukia rolled her eyes and flashed the judges the finger. "You're gonna kill us anyway, what the hell reason do I have to be respectful? Seriously."

"She has a point. More or less." The judge commented. "Execution."

"But I don't want to have a Fullbring!" Rukia protested as she was pulled out the room. "Objection! I'm being framed! You gotta believe me! It's a conspiracy. Yamamoto has been trying to overthrow himself all along! Tell me I'm not the only one who sees it? You are all sheep! Sheep I say!"

"What an idiot. Next!"

[CN]

Chad stared silently at the judges.

The judges stared at Chad.

This went on for several minutes.

"Next!" The judge said finally.

[CN]

"I'm a Quincy! Therefore I am so great you guys have no right to arrest me!" Uryu insisted loudly.

The judge paused. "You're a Quincy?"

"Yep!" Uryu said smugly.

"Being a Quincy means you automatically get the death penalty. Next!"

"err, I'm next. And a quincy." Tatsuki called from the line outside the courtroom.

"Oh. Then you die too. Next!"

"Mother Fucker." Both Uryu and Tatsuki complained.

[CN]

"hi." Urahara said cheerfully.

"DEATH PENALTY! KILL HIM! OH GOD THE DEATH PENALTY!" Every member of central 46 yelled in horror.

"aww. I'm touched." Urahara smiled. "Can I get my hat back before you kill me? Pleeeease?"

"Whatever. Next!"

[CN]

"I thought you were dead?"

"I'm a soul reaper. 'cause I'm dead."

"Oh. Yeah. I thought you were deader then dead."

"Nope. Just hanging out in the human world." Isshin grinned.

"Oh. Well congratulations. Death! Next!"

[CN]

After three minutes, Kenpachi had to be sedated and dragged out of the room.

It turned out even without his spiritual pressure, he could still rip a mans arm off and beat people to death with it.

So after cleaning up all the blood a second judge was brought in and they carried on the trials.

[CN]

"name?" The judge asked.

"Senna."

"what? You have no last name?" He asked surprised.

"No." Senna replied. "I plead guilty."

"well that saves time for once, thank you. death. Next!"

[CN]

"Name?" The judge asked.

"Senna."

"No last name?" He asked surprised. "Wait a minute….. Have you gone twice? Or are you twins or something?"

"Neither." Senna replied. "I plead guilty."

"Well alright then….. I guess. Death. Next!" The judge said unsurely.

[CN]

"name?" The judge asked.

"Senna."

"… how many of you are there?" he asked slowly.

"19,999." Senna said cheerfully. "The line is REALLY long."

"All sentenced to death. Next!"

[CN]

"You are accused of being a hollow. How do you plead?"

"What?" Grimmjow said slowly. "I'm on trial for my species? Doesn't that seem racist to you?"

"Of cause not. Hollows aren't people."

Once again they had to restrain a prisoner after he killed the judge. This time using his prisoner robe. A toothbrush. Three different peoples left sock. And a unique use of his own hollow hole.

To this day we're still trying to figure out where he got the toothbrush.

[CN]

"You a hollow?" the third Judge asked.

"Yes. I am hollow inside. Emotionless and alone I sit in darkness and wish that all the pain would stop." Ulquiorra said.

"Err. You could have just said yes. Next!"

[CN]

"Wait. Hollows are sentenced to death?" Harribel said slowly.

"Yes." The judge said.

"So you are going to kill my fraction?" She asked glaring at them.

"If they are hollows then- ACK!" the judge was cut off as Harribel ran up to his seat, grabbed his pen, and shoved it through his eye and into the back of his skull.

"I am not pleased by that. Not happy at all." Harribel said as she was dragged out in chains.

[CN]

"Hey, you saw that Green haired chick?" Nnoitra said grinning.

"Not yet." The fourth replacement judge asked, at this point quite scared for his life.

"Well I totally hit that." Nnoitra bragged smugly.

"that's…. that's great. Next!"

[CN]

"well first, Yachiru (the small one. Not the time traveller.) released Cthulu and squad 11, Toshiro (may he rest in peace.) Soi Fon (may she rest in peace.) And Ichigo (may he rest in peace) stopped her.

Then Afro Rukia and Transvestite Kenpachi kidnapped a stuffed toy (may he rest in peace) and brought him back with time travel in a position of shock. Aizen (may he not rest in peace.) killed Yammy (also not peaceful resting). A Yachiru from the future came back to stop Aizen winning, and it turned out that she married Ichigo.

Then the Chaotic neutrals got team Ichigo on their side. The badguys attacked two places at once. People died, I got kidnapped. Momo turned to Aizens side. And a massive war happened where loads of the cast died. then the fangirls attacked after Toshiro (may he rest in peace) died. Then we got arrested and you brought me here and asked me to explain everything. The end." Renji said shrugging.

"I didn't understand any of that." The judge said slowly. "Next!"

[CN]

Nell walked in.

"Okay. Now I understand why Nnoitra was bragging." The judge said, his eyes widening.

"All men are perverted." Nell sighed.

[CN]

"BWAHAHAHA! How you doing tonight my babies!"

"…."

"Obviously his plee for insanity is accepted. Next!"

[CN]

"Nemu Kurotsuchi." The judge began. "You are the leader of this madness. What do you have to say in your defence?"

"Well mostly? I did all this because I wanted to murder you guys in the face. You are all evil psychopaths." Nemu said calmly. "Anything different is wrong. Anything that questions you is wrong. Everything wrong is locked up at the very least and usually killed on mass, you do realise you have the mentality of the Darleks right?"

"How dare you! Everything we did was to preserve the balance. To prevent all life dying!" The member of Central 46 said outraged. "The nerve of you!"

"Really? Soooooo. The mod souls were threats to reality huh?" Nemu asked smugly.

"I… that is to say….. shut up. You are not allowed to look down on us." The judge said frowning.

"Yeah no one is correct?" Nemu said sighing in frustration. "And this is why there are so few good dictators. As soon as you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself, you do whatever you want. As the greatest robot of all time, Optimus Prime, once said: "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings." And that is my entire argument summed up right there." Nemu smiled.

"A Transformers reference inspired you? A Transformers Reference is the reason this entire story happened?" The Judge said slowly.

"yep!" Nemu grinned.

"I'm going to enjoy sentencing you to death. Execution!" He banged his hammer on the table. "Yes. Yes I did enjoy that."

"I'm going to enjoy watching Ichigo kill you." Nemu replied smiling.

"Ichigo? I don't know how to tell you this, but he's dead." The judge said confused.

"Or is he?" Nemu replied in a mysterious tone. "Is he really?"

"yes."

"Or IS HE?" Nemu insisted.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Someone get her out of here." The judge sighed.

THE NEXT DAY.

"So." Rukia commented. "Remember when you said "join the chaotic neutrals!" and we were all like: "that sounds fun!" and stuff?"

"Yeah." Nemu agreed grudgingly from in front of her.

"Well good. That means you understand why it is I blame you for this." Rukia smiled as she stood second in line to be executed in a very long line of prisoners on the Sōkyoku Hill. "So here I am. A prisoner again. About to be executed. Again. And the only captians watching are Yamamoto, my Brother and Kyōraku. If Unohana was here, and you hadn't caused so many good people to be put to death. It'd be exactly the same! Funny that isn't it Nemu?"

"Are you done pointing out this is my fault?" Nemu asked, turning to glare at Rukia.

"Not even close." Rukia grinned.

"Does anyone else think that executing the child me is kind of messed up?" Adult Yachiru asked suddenly.

"I do! I'm not in favour of it at all!" Child Yachiru chimed in. "Hey, if you're me when I'm older. And I'm about to die, what's gonna happen to you?"

"I don't know! Let's find out!" Yamamoto declared. "Well seeing as a certain pair destroyed the Sōkyoku…."

"Yeah. Sorry about that." Kyōraku said sheepishly.

"Yes fine. Seeing as a certain pair destroyed our-"

"Over the top, barbaric, giant ass spear that is so Freudian, in it's being a giant long thin thing that can be set on fire, I really wonder what kind of relationship you had with your father." Rukia suggested helpfully.

"Err. Yes. Anyway, I'm going to be doing the killing." Yamamoto said starting to feel uncomfortable.

"Why am I second?" Rukia asked out of interest.

"Because Aizen is in your head and we want to kill him? Duh." Yamamoto pointed out. "as annoying as you are. You are not very important at all."

"_Crap."_ Aizen said. _"I thought they had forgotten about me."_

"No one is capable of forgetting you." Rukia promised. "You're far too big an asshole."

There was silence as Nemu was led forwards as the first to be executed.

"Any last words, Nemu Kurotsuchi?" Yamamoto asked, drawing his sword.

"okay, last words: I thought it was a good idea at the time?" She offered shrugging. "Either that or the brave heart thing of shouting "freedom" at the top of my lungs. But that wasn't very cool when Mel Gibson did it. Haha! go a-freaking-head. My death is only the beginning." Nemu grinned at the exact moment the head captain sliced her head off.

"Well this sucks." Nemu's head commented from its place on the ground a few moments later.

"What the hell?" was the general thing said by those watching.

"Made of gloop like my Father remember?" Nemu said cheerfully. "I'm invincible!"

"you're a loony." Yamamoto muttered. And with a short amount of fire from his sword, reduced Nemu to ash, killing her.

"Well. That was anticlimactic." Orihime commented.

"Forced to agree." Urahara said paling. "Naturally the plan called for them to execute me first. And naturally I'm third." He whispered to Orihime.

"What?" Rukia yelled. "They're gonna kill me JUST before you are able to try and save everyone?"

"Absolutely. We planed for the possibility of capture. We just assumed they would kill me first." The shop keeper sighed. "So I'm gonna do this!"

Running forwards, Urahara jumped out of line and leapt onto the end of Yamamoto's sword, the point stabbing him straight through the chest.

"Hey Aizen? I just saved your life." Urahara grinned weakly before dying. As he did, his body started to glow with a bright white light that shot off into the sky.

"_NO! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE I OWE URAHARA MY LIFE!"_ Aizen yelled in horror. _"This can't be happening!"_

"I hate my life." Rukia groaned as her sword started arguing with Aizen. Again.

"Well good. Because now you're gonna die. It's nice to see you being such a good sport about this." Yamamoto said. "You got last words?"

Rukia thought about it and nodded. "Remember all the insults I shot at Ichigo? I didn't mean any of them. I'm sorry. I regret that I should have told him that he was my best friend and didn't." She said quietly.

"Good enough." Yamamoto shrugged and swung at her neck.

Inches before it reached her, the blade was stopped by a thin black sword.

"Get the hell. Away. From. My best friend." Ichigo Kurosaki ordered coldly, glaring daggers at a shocked Yamamoto. "Rukia? Is everyone okay?" He asked, turning to look at her.

"Nemu and Urahara are dead." Rukia said, far too in shock to ask anything intelligent like: 'how are you not dead.' OR 'why is your bankai coat pale white instead of black?'

Ichigo scowled. "Right. Yamamoto? You are so dead." He stated growling as he pulled his hollow mask back on.

Behind him, Team Ichigo all started humming "number one" as loudly as possible causing Ichigo to smile.

"Daddies home children. Hoo-hah!"

END CHAPTER 19

AN. :)


	22. AN

Authors note: a deceleration of intent.

So there is good news and bad news.

The bad news is this:

this isn't the next chapter.

If you go down to the 11th today is gonna be a lot shorter then I first intended.

And I'm changing the stories name three days after this goes up.

The good news makes up for it.

I have changed my plans for the ending 5 times now. The one I've decided on made my best friend laugh his head off and he doesn't read this story!

It's gonna be shorter because I need it to stop at a point where I can lead into the next part of the tale.

Oh yes. That's right. Here is the REALLY good part. This story is now called:

Kurosaki VS the multi-verse: book 1. If you go down to the 11th today. It's not gonna be a squeal. It's gonna be a massive series of stories in which the cast of Bleach travels through a different fandom in each part. And while this IS going to be crossover after crossover with the same continuity, I swear that the Bleach characters are going to remain the focus throughout.

Before the summer I intend to be writing:

"Kurosaki VS the multi-verse: book 2. a MASSIVE disturbance in the force."

sound good?


	23. The begining of the end of the begining

Chapter 20: the beginning of the end of the beginning.

What we need. Right now. Is a review answering session. And by Yamamoto's beard we shall have it!

**CrossoverxToxThexDarkxSide:** I'll just post an extra chapter on here to announce it starting. Pleased as punch you like my announcement but the chapters won't be shorter, there will just be less of them.

**Wheezerteebs:** … I concede to your very strange point.

**La Dark Flower:** Err no one did, I just phrased my reply poorly. Silly me, I feel stupid. Glad you liked the chapter.

**emoemu-san:** yes I'm sorry for killing Nemu and Urahara. I do love them both and I did it for a reason! As unlikely as that seems it's true. (Never said it's a good reason. Just that I have one.) I think a lot of Doctor who villains are all "order. Control. Do not resist." It's mainly because the Doctor is the definition of "fun, freedom, and life." So to be effective they are all opposites of that. I don't know where Nemus line came from. And I might have come up with it but probably not. Steal away my friend! (Also you are welcome. The story was funny.) About your suggestion for part of the series: HAHAHA awesome. I really do like Doctor Who so it is likely.

Lady-KathrynIII: Thank you very much for the kind words. I'll consider killing Orihime. (Yes I'm going to keep killing people off.)

Nindjo: welcome to the story! Glad you like it. :D

La Dark Flower: glad to hear it :D

Sara: YAY w00t! *Parties* 100 REVIEWS! And yeah Mayuri is a creepy creepy person.

Nightkill: why thank you.

SuperYuuki: *deep breath here* I call the ship Ichichiru. I don't know what Kuroshitsuji is. I don't like Hisana. You are partly right. Yes. Half right. You should doubt it. Number one. I'm impressed. *Collapses*

Sooo this has been a long time coming. Sorry about that. But my A levels are all done after freaking months! Haha!

Right then. Let's get this going shall we?

Ichigo was surrounded.

Like really. REALLY. Surrounded.

Like: fighting Yamamoto, Byakuya, Wonderwiss and Kyōraku at once kind of surrounded.

So you are probably as confused as everyone else to hear Ichigo was actually holding his own against the four of them.

"That SO wasn't the plan." Senna said watching the fight.

"I know." Said another Senna.

"Of cau-"

"Look. Don't get into those conversations with yourself again. They're not funny." Ikkaku snapped. "Just explain what the plan was and how this happened, okay?"

"Fine. Grouch." The Sennas complained before one of them started talking. "So Basically, Urahara had looted the hogyoku off Aizens body."

"What! Tell him to keep the hell off my stuff!" Aizen yelled.

"He's dead." Rukia pointed out.

"Oh yeah. Good." Aizen said relived.

"You guys done interrupting? Good! Well anyway the plan was Urahara would hold onto it and when he got executed it would turn him into that butterfly form Aizen had when Gin killed Aizen in the anime. But somehow it brought Ichigo back instead. I guess his hearts desire was to win the fight and so the hogyoku decided the best way to do that was to power Ichigo up further." Senna shrugged. "Because Ichigo can't go five minutes without a power up."

"That's a really cheep ass justification." Rukia muttered.

"Err guys?" Ichigo called over. "Can you stop talking over the epic battle? The readers missed me killing Wonderwiss and Nanao. You are ruining the awesome with your exposition."

"Oh sorry. We'll shut up." The Senna horde promised.

"Well good." Ichigo flash stepped so as to be standing in front of Kenpachi; completely ignoring the fact that Byakuya was about to stab him in the back. "Even the odds?" Ichigo offered before cutting through Kenpachis power restraints.

A pillar of yellow light burst into the sky as Kenpachi laughed hysterically, he moved and grabbed a hold of Byakuyas sword, stopping it inches from Ichigos neck.

"Where is my sword?" Kenpachi growled.

"Fish radishes actualise chair foot nightly." Byakuya replied.

"Well then." Kenpachi shrugged and punched the mad captain in the face.

Meanwhile Ichigo had managed to free the rest of the prisoners who were able to immediately detect exactly where their weapons were.

Kenpachi is many things, but on good terms with his sword is not one of them.

As Ichigo prevented the captains from following them, the Chaotic Neutrals all started heading in the direction of the warehouse that their belongings had been stored in.

"Stop." Hisagi ordered as he flash steeped into their path, sword drawn.

Rukia stopped, turned around and looked at the group she was with.

Then she looked back at Hisagi. "seriously dude? We could turn you inside out with kido alone. And that's if Kenpachi decides not to just beat you to death with one of the Sennas."

"What!" the Sennas yellped.

"Take it from us. You want to run away." Ikkaku agreed.

"Oh yeah? Well then, REAP Kazeshini!" Hisagi yelled, his sword transforming into a long deadly looking shiki.

"Woah!" Orihime said impressed. "awesome!"

"No. no it's not." Hisagi said gravely "Look at it. Isn't it something designed to take lives?"

silence

"Rukia?" Kenpachi asked sighing. "You wanna take this one?"

"Sure." Rukia nodded. "Something to take lives? You keep Kazeshini as a SWORD because you don't want it to look like something designed to take lives? You realise that you're shiki is a freaking duel sythe! Sythes were invented as a farming tool! You. Dense. Moron. It's like driving a tank because you don't want to drive your oh so deadly tractor."

"Err. Wait. What?" Hisagi said confused.

"You know what? Never mind. It's unimportant. Shut up and die." She ordered, right before Kenpachi pulled the tattoed mans head off.

"Does anyone else think we've become the villains at this point?" Orihime asked. "we've killed Nanao and Hisagi. Neither of which really deserved it."

The group considered this.

"Oh you didn't know? I thought you were all aware of that." Grimmjow asked surprised.

"And you didn't say anything?" Rukia said.

"I'm a badguy remember? I'm tottaly cool with it." Grimmjow shrugged.

"So. We're evil now." Orihime groaned. "feels less… well I don't feel any different."

"Nah. You're not evil. You're all just idiots." Nnoitra imputted.

"BWAHAHAHA!" Don Kanonji said. For no real reason.

"especially him." Nnoitra shruddered.

The Chaotic neutrals ran down a road and reached the wherehouses that held there belongings.

"hey!" The guard shouted as they approached. "you're supposed to be executed."

"Err." Isshin muttered. "I'll handle this!"

"we're doomed." Most of the people there said. If they didn't say it, then they were thinking it. Oh boy were they thinking it.

Isshin pouted and walked up to the guards. "no no no. you're thinking of….. someone else."

"Someone else?" The Guard asked in disbelief.

"Yeah. It can't be us to be exicuted because no one with power draining thingies could escape the head captain right?" Isshin continued. "I mean how else would we escape?"

"**BAD WRITTING!"** Orihime shouted.

"She has a point. It's not like we haven't got plenty of that to go around." The guard nodded.

"hrrm. That is true. That is true. But have you considered-" Isshin paused, "THIS!" he grinned and Chad punched them both through a wall.

"team work." Isshin said proudly.

"You did nothing dear." Masaki reminded Isshin.

"or did I?" Isshin asked, raising an eyebrow.

"no." Masaki replied immediately.

"OR DID I?"

"no. now shut up and pick your sword up." Masaki sighed.

"Why DID you marry him?" Yachiru asked the woman confused.

"Same reason you married Ichigo in the future." Masaki smiled. "He's an idiot, but he's my idiot."

It took a surprisingly long time to sought all the different weapons out. It wasn't like you could just say "mine is the sword." Because everyone and their pet duck have swords in this world. But eventually everyone was fully armed. Except Kukaku of cause.

Kukaku leaned forwards and punched straight through the forth wall to hit the author in the face for his insensitive and rude coment.

When the Author woke up, the gang were just about to go help Ichigo when Hanatarou showed up.

"Hey. You guys are the only people to show me any respect. So i'm on your side now." The Forth squad member smiled. "And I brought my Girlfriend."

"hi." Isane waved shyly.

"Bah! We don't need no stinking healers!" Ikkaku protested. And was slapped by Orihime.

"I will reject your manhood." Orihime threatened.

"I meant, we don't need no stinking SHINIGAMI healers." Ikkaku backtracked quickly.

"Better." Orihime smiled.

"And why not? You idiots in squad 11 don't know how to tie a bandage! Without us, you would have a single fight and then have crippling injuries for the rest of your lives! We're the only reason you idiots haven't killed yourselves off through pure incompitance!" Isane yelled at Ikkaku.

"Well….. yeah. But. You're squad four. So you suck." Ikkaku insisted.

"... i'm saying nothing to that because there is nothing to say." Isane said slowly. "Anyway. What are we all doing?"

there was a sudden crash as Yamamoto and Ichigo crashed into the ground nearby.

"Helping Ichigo i guess." Rukia shrugged.

Everyone decided that they had nothing better to do and went to see the fight.

"This is awesome!" Ichigo grinned happily, "I am basicly a demi-god at this point!"

Yamamoto responded by stabbing Ichigo through the gut.

"well put." Ichigo winced. "But the "magical plot solving bullshit device" i have will protect me! Haha!"

"that is such boring story telling." Yamamoto groaned. "i mean seriously, who in the world thinks constant reputation of "person tries move. something stops it and then someone gets even more impossibly powerfull" over and over would be fun to watch?"

birds chirrped. Tumbleweed rolled past.

"Dude. This is an action Anime. That's pretty much all it is." Ichigo said shaking his head.

"That's my point. I'm a very old man, do you think i like Anime?" Yamamoto countered.

"err... well... that's actually a damn fine point." Ichigo conceeded. "Could be worse though?"

"Hows that?" Yamamoto demanded.

"this could be Dragon ball Z." Ichigo pointed out, lauging when most of the people present flinched.

"this story? Enough damn powerups and reserections have been pulled from an ass that it might as well damn be." Rukia muttered.

"Shut up Rukia." Ichigo said. The funny part was that she wasn't close enough for him to hear. He just assumed she said something annoying.

"I hate you all." Rukia grumbled.

"Look. All we want. Is to kill you, undo all the things you ever worked for, kill your boss, take all his power for myself, and take control of the universe okay?" Ichigo grinned at the head captian. "Why are you so against this?"

Yamamoto's eye twitched in rage and fury.

"Oh. Right. The all of it." Ichigo shrugged. "I WOULD run Soul Sociaty better then you."

"What! How? How the blood-soaked-hollow-screwing-Aizen-hating-hell would you run things better then me?" Yamamoto yelled at the top of his voice.

"you're going to drive him absolutly insane with rage. I like that." Rukia sniggered.

Ichigo took a deep breath: "off the top of my head? Start a fourteenth devision. Make it for all bount, hollows, vizard, mod souls etc etc that just want to live. If they have to eat souls, like hollows? Or just do anything really bad? You have the twelth figure out a way to fix it. This way you get so many of the big threats like the bad guys for most filler arcs on your side. Offer them a home and a place they can be safe. I'd suggest putting Shinji in charge of it. He seems weird enough to be able to deal with freaks all day."

Yamamoto was about to reply when Ichigo kept talking.

"Plus i'd take about a hundered soul reapers, they don't even have to be seated officers, and put them in charge of fixing the Rukongai. there will be a LOT of valuntiers because all the ones who came from the bad parts will want it to be fixed. then you send them to recrut civilians because if they only have to deal with powerless souls, then you can use as many powerless souls to fight the thugs, rapists and bandits. Seriously, you are SO evil for forcing ghosts to go there and then leaving them in a slum. I'd rather be a hollow then live there." Ichigo growled. "And then i'd make everyone take bi-monthly psycoanalisis tests so that you make sure the sociopaths, the nut jobs and the emotionally vaunrable, get the help they need. So you don't get anymore Aizens, Mayuris, or Momos, causing problems. THAT! Is how you fix this univerce. You self obsessed, aragant, violent, genocidal old fart."

Yamamoto stared at Ichigo for a good ten minutes. Then he sighed. "Fuck it." he said simply.

"What." Ichigo questioned weakly.

"Fuck it. You win. I'm too old for this crap. You're in charge now, i'm retiring somewhere pleasent with a golf corce and lots of tea. Bye." And with that Yamamoto wandered off out of the story and out of their lives.

"wow. That was a worse anticlimax then Aizens defeat in canon huh?" Rukia offered before raising her hands "yes yes, i know. You want me to shut up."

"So... what do we do now exactly?" Yachiru asked the little Yachiru.

"Everything i just suggested." Ichigo grinned as he walked up to his friends. "Rukia? You want to lead the Rukongai fixing operation? And someone get Shinji on the phone! Who the hell is the luitenent of squad 1?" He demanded, looking around.

"Squad 1 had a luitenent?" Kenpachi asked shrugging. "I thought they had none."

"No that was squad 13." Ikkaku interupted. "I think Aizen killed him."

"I don't remember that." Aizen muttered to Rukia, who shrugged.

"Well whatever. Chad? You're the new luitenent?" Ichigo offered.

"Sure why not." Chad agreed.

A MONTH LATER.

All in all: Seven devisions no longer had their original Captain and Luienent and of the rest, only two hadn't lost one or the other (the sixth and eleventh). There were now 14 squads. Most of the hollows in existance had been killed by Yamamoto's bankai. And things were pretty much going okay.

Squad 1 was working as you'd expect with a captian like Ichigo and a lutenent like Chad. Everyone was pretty laid back and did less then they used too.

Squad two was now run by Ururu and Jinta of all people. They were still arguing over who was the captain, but beyond that things went well. They were very sneaky when they wanted to be.

Every emo and depressed person in Soul sociaty had moved to squad 3. seeing as it was led by Ulquiorra and Kira. Nothing ever got done because everyone just sat around listening to the Cure albems all day.

Squad four addapted to Hanataro being in charge and pretty much continued as it ever did.

Renji had been given squad 5 and the job of keeping Momo as sane as possible. He was not good at his job and Momo spent most days muttering about Aizen.

Byakua never really got better. Everyone kinda just left him too it and put Kukaku and Ganju there to stop him doing anything dangerous.

Squad seven was given over to Uryu and Orihime. A sucsessful sitcom was developed from the antics that ensued.

Squad eight fell apart after the only sensible person (Nanao) died. The new Luitent being the adult Yachiru only made things worse.

Squad nine was taken over by Isshin and Masaki. They canceled the newspaper in favour of doing something more usefull on the grounds that ANYTHING was more usefull then a frigging newspaper.

Squad ten had been made up mostly of Toshiro fan girls and therefore was now two unseated soul reapers that everyone just called "Tim and Bob" despite the two's protests. Bob was the girl, Tim was the male.

Squad eleven continued beating each other up day in and day out. They were simple beings with simple joys.

Squad twelve was given the job of burrying the dead. So they should be done right around 2014.

squad 14 was now led by Rukia and had the job of unslumming the slum. It was slow work, but going well. They had more members then any other squad.

Squad 14 was where most of the people who had not been a member of the soul sociaty before Ichigo took over had ben put. And the only person insane eough to willingly have to try and keep them under control was the new Captain Don Kanonji. He was actually a very good leader and motivator when you could understand what he was on about.

The named characters had gavered together on Sokyoku hill at Ichigo's sumoning. It was crowded, but everyone could see him holding the Oken with a massive grin on his face.

"So. It turns out that being captain of squad one means getting to know where this things hidden." Ichigo shouted. "Let's go complete the plan and kill the Soul King! Who's with me?"

"Meh. Alright." "kay." "might as well." "oh alright."

"Try and be somewhat enthusiastic why don't you?" Ichigo groaned before activating the Oken.

"Vwoop. Vwoop vwoopp" the Oken went as they all faded away to reapear outside a massive golden gate.

"Did the key just make the TARDIS noise?" Orihime questioned slowly. "it's so nice to know NOTHING makes sense isn't it?"

THUD.

"What the hell?" Kenpachi growled. "The gates opening guys! Get ready to fight!"

the gates of the royal relm slowly opened for the first time, mist swept across the room and chilled them to the bone.

A dark figure slowly approached.

"That's the spirit king?" Isshin asked, "He looks thinner then i immagined."

The Spirit King eventually reached them, and stood before the group.

"Oh God no." Ichigo muttered, suddenly looking terrified. "please say this is a dream."

"Guys. Guys! We have to get out of here!" Orihime yelled, already backing away.

"What? What the hell is it?" Ikkaku demanded. "he's weird looking, but not that scary!"

"You don't... you don't know what he is?" Chad asked, with wide eyes. "He's not a bleach character. He's worse. Worse then anything you can imagine."

Ichigo gulped. "I think we're all going to die." He said quietly.

And then the Soul King attacked.

END CHAPTER 20

AN: and that's all we have time for.

try and guess what's scared the hell out of the gang! Here's your clues: he is a fictional character. He isn't from Bleach. He's weird looking.

See you next time!


	24. Omake: Hail to the King Baby

Omake: Hail to the King Baby.

Couldn't resist doing this. I'm sorry in advance.

Emoemu-san: aww thanks. Love you too I guess. You see the soul king is- *Shields face with arm at the sudden explosion* eww! That'll take forever to clean up. Oh well, guess I can't tell an exploded person.

SuperYuuki: alright: that would have been awesome but no. I don't know who that is. Afraid not. Hahahahahahaha oh wow that's brilliant. No i am not putting anything Harry Potter related in this! Don't know. Would have been if I'd thought of it. Don't know. Don't know.

Whatmesage:…. No.

Wheezerteebs: yeah, and I'm sorry for that. But thanks for the compliments. The thing is this story isn't witting so much as a stream of conciseness, I just start rambling to myself and typing whatever pops into my head. If I tried rewriting it then I would lose everything I like about it.

Arktemis: yes I know. My spelling is horrific. Your lungs? Oh crap! Is there a doctor in the audience!?

Possibility one.

The doors swung open and a voice carried across the room.

"Hello! Messa called Jar Jar Binks! Messa so so happy to meets you all." A strange dinosaur pony humanoid said as he goofily grinned at the invaders.

"KILL IT!" Ichigo screamed.

"Bankai!" Renji yelled, bringing his bone snake down, Jar Jar screamed in horrific pain as the weapon tore off his right leg in a shower of blood.

"Whatsa you people doin? Don't'cha be knowin I needs that to walks?" Jar Jar yelled horrified.

"Die!" Chad yelled, running up he started punching the alien until it was nothing but a blood stain on the carpet.

"we're free. We're finally free of Jar Jar!" Darth Vader said happily.

And the star was cast came out and threw a feast in Chads honour. And there was much rejoicing.

Possibility 2

The door opened. There was no one there.

"What the hell?" Ichigo questioned. "where on earth is the Soul King?"

A large amount of evil laughter erupted from behind them as Hanataro started to float off the ground. "FOOLS!" he yelled, his voice deep and evil, his eyes glowing red. "I AM THE SOUL KING. AND RETURNING HERE HAS GIOVEN ME MY TRUE POWER!" with that he started shooting hellfire at the people he pretended were his friends

"SO BEGINS A THOUSAND YEARS OF THE HELLISH REIGN OF HANATARO YAMADA! I AM THE KING OF BLOOD AND PAIN! I SHALL BURN YOUR SOULS TO ASH! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Possibility 3

The door opened. There was no one there.

"What the hell?" Ichigo questioned. "where on earth is… Hanataro? Are you going to flip out on us?"

They looked around.

"Hanataro?" Ichigo blinked. "where are you buddy?"

there was a sudden rush of black and Orihime disappeared.

"Wha-" Grimmjow started to question before being dragged away into the shadows by a figure in black.

Three minutes later and Ichigo was the only one left, he still had no idea what he was up against.

Trembling, he desperately looked for the attacker.

"What the hell are you?!" Ichigo yelled before being punched out in one hit by a gloved fist.

"I'm Batman." Said Batman.

Possibility 4.

The door opened and music started to play:

In the eyes of a ranger, the unsuspected stranger Had better know the truth of wrong from right, 'cause the eyes of a ranger are upon you….

"Oh crap. I know that music." Isshin muttered.

"Hi." Chuck Norris grinned.

"RUN LIKE A BITCH!" Grimmjow screamed as they tried to flee.

But, when it comes to Chuck Norris, you can't run, you can't hide, you can't become non-existent... he'll find you. And he did.

Possibility 5

Barney the Dinosaur walked out. "I love you, you love me!"

Ichigo paused. "no. no I don't love you." And then he stabbed the soul king.

"Next!"

Possibility 6

Jules Winnfield stared at Ichigo.

Ichigo stared at Jules Winnfield.

"what?" Ichigo muttered in disbelief.

"What country you from?" Jules growled.

"Japan." Ichigo replied.

"they speak English in Japan?" Jules demanded.

"No."

"Then you know what I'm saying?"

"Well yeah." Ichigo shrugged. "I guess"

"ENGLISH mother Fucker do you speak it?" Jules yelled, pulling a gun out and aiming it at Ichigo.

"Yes! For some reason in dubs the Japanese speak perfect English!" Ichigo cried, quite alarmed.

"Describe what I look like!" Jules swore.

"Err." Ichigo held up a mirror.

"Do I look like a bitch?"

"yeah." Ichigo grinned.

BANG

"oh man. You just shot Ichigo in the face." Rukia said alarmed. "I have seen some crazy ass shit in my time! But I have never-"

BANG

"Don't steal my lines." Jules growled.

Possibility 7

"Tite Kubo!?" everyone yelled.

"Who did you think ran the universe?" Kubo shrugged.

Possibility 8

A teen with long brown hair, glasses and week old stubble grinned. "hi. I'm Deadpoolhulk. Who did you THINK ran everything?"

There was a crack as Ikkaku slammed him against the wall. "you keep insisting there was a reason for killing off all our friends! TELL US!" he demanded, putting a sword to Deadpoolhulks throat.

"Oh that's simple. I did it because I thought it'd be funny." Deadpoolhulk shrugged. He took in everyone's faces and sighed. "I'm gonna get my head cut off again aren't I?"

"Yep." Ikkaku agreed. "BANKAI!"

Possibility 9

"Wow this is some heavy fog." Ichigo complained.

There was a loud scraping noise as if metal was being dragged across metal.

"Oh goodness." Orihime said as she saw the Soul King approach "Look at the time!"

"IT'S RAPE O'CLOCK!" Pyramid head yelled as he attacked.

Kenpachi blocked. "oh hell yes." he grinned psychoticly.

And thus the third most epic smackdown of all time: "Kenpachi VS Pyramid" head did begin. Kenpachi won and decded to keep the great knife.

Possibility 10

The gate opened.

Ichigo walked through it and immedietly fell over dead.

Rukia ran to Ichigos side and fell over dead.

"what the flying fuckbirds?" Chad questioned.

A black haired, skiny teenage girl with a sword and an axe walked towards them. "I'm River Tam. And I killed them with my brain."

Kenpachi smirked.

And thus did the second most epic fight of all time take place: "Kenpachi vs River."

River won.

"Call me if anyone interesting shows up." River told Chad before turning around and shutting the door in the groups face.

Possibility 11

"WE are the knights who say: ni!" the Knights who say Ni declared.

"Let's just go home." Ichigo decided. No amount of power was worth it.

Possibility 12

the gate opened.

Oposite gender copies of the entire group walked out.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" The heroes ran away quickly to soak there brains in acid.

"and it's that easy to win." Loki said to himself, turning his illusions off with a smirk.

Possibility13

A magnificent and golden coated lion stepped forth.

"Aslan!" Ichigo grinned like a small child and ran to hug the Soul King.

Aslan chuckled and hugged Ichigo back with his front paws.

"Dwaaaaw" Orihime said.

"Best black mail ever!" Rukia grinned, camra in hand.

"He always did like those books." Isshin smiled, pleased to see his son happy.

Possibility14

"So it turns out that we're in the wrong place. Turns out we took a wrong turn and ended up in the Mortal Kombat universe." Ichigo said, as confused as anyone else. "I think we should just leave and... where's Kenpachi going? Why is he taking all of them on at once? WHY IS HE KILLING EVERYONE?"

Possibility 15

"Sup." Alucard asked calmly.

"hey." Kenpachi replied.

Alucard released restraints levels 3, 2 and 1 at the same moment Kenpachi pulled off his eyepatch. It was the most epic fight of all time and destroyed all of the universe.

They both won.


End file.
